Moving on ...

Haven't been here in a long while .. been doing well with my anxiety .. have restarted the use of lexapro .. and am doing so much better ..

So now that I have straightened out this issue of too much xanax , and have gained some control .. I can think clearer , and feel less stressed ..

In all the time I have been on this forum, I have gone through many issues , and am now in a position that I truly never thought I would be in ..

My therapist is proud , as are my friends and have set boundries with my mom .. my brother , John, has moved himself to California , and I am here in New Mexico .. cold and alone , but not for long ...

John knows I am facing financial difficulties , have been for quite some time .. not unlike the majority of others in this country , my home is too be foreclosed on soon ..

My ex-husband and I had been planning for some time now to move back together .. part of the plan was that I get myself on a better course .. so I did .. and now that the time has come for me to pack and leave , I received a "Dear John" letter .. an email ..

After being down in Arizona for two weeks , finding a new place, discussing details , packing up his belongings , organizong his plans and move .. he has sent an email ... thanks for your help , and all the advice , but ......

So, how do you feel ? Numb , confused , used , betrayed once again ... What do you do ? Stay calm, cry , and pray ...

Where do you go ? Out into the world .. no more isolation, I have worked too long and too hard and have come too far ... so I sent the email to my brother in California .. as he was coming in January to help me move to Arizona ..

Before I could blink , the phone rang .. it was John .. he said , "You are coming here , and you are going to go on, and you are to stay until you feel you are ready to move on."

So, I agreed , that this is what I will do , with the dogs and a truck and my brother , we will trek out to the west coast and I will not hide , I will not go backwards ..

So , I call my mom , and she understood .. and was confused at to my exes actions , but also said , he has done this before .. so in therapy , I talked calmly , and I cried and then the frustration hit .. numb , frustrated and wanting to not go backward ..

My therapist is pleased that I am regaining my "self" .. and that I have a place to go .. with someone who knows me, and loves me .. and while she cannot explain my exes actions , she did say that his remarks as to why , were basically his own true feelings about himself ..

And I am not to own them , nor allow them to demean me , as has been the beahvior of the past .. so out to California I will go ..

My plan is to one day , go home .. home for me is Florida .. and so I spoke o my mother .. and I said that I will find a way home .. it may take me time , but I will .. as cost effective , at this time it is just not feasable ..