Hope springs eternal..

Ahh , hope springs eternal .. while I am still having anxiety/panic isuch ssues , and will more than likely these issues will stay with me , I am finally getting it ..

Learning what sets me off .. and how to express it .. being new at recovery , it has been a long journey ...

Now that I am here in California , attempting to get my "head" together , I find that I get anxiety over such things as reading others issues , and not wishing to sound apathetic , if anything I tend to over empathize ..

so my chest gets tight, my head feels like it is spinning around with worries about my own issues and while i often try to be supportive , my gut gets nauseous .. and I sit back and say , "wow , why am I so upset ?" ..

Why do I get anxious over anothers actions , such as being not heard clearly enough , even as I have been learning to be assertive in telling my needs .. using techniques that my therapist is teaching me .. to speak or write in a calm, clear and timely fashion ..

The people who are in my life I have had to learn to set boundies .. what to discuss , for how long and set limitations on the conversations .. trust of course is an issue for me .. it can raise the anxiety up if I feel betrayed ..

It still happens , and now I am able to recognize it and not get so upset, so in talking with my "Mary" , I am learning now what I can limit the conversations to .. in other words how much with each person do I need to tell what to ..

Often the betrayal is via family members , who as much as they feel they are being helpful, discuss my issues and choices among each other and in a round about way try to sway my decision making ..

How am I to grow and have more confidence in my own judgement , which I know I have but allowed to get convoluted due to all the "stuff" that has happened over several years of allowing others to define me ..

Oh, I take full resposibility , however , now that I can put a name to it, I realized how much lack of confidence I had in me .. I could give advice , I could give support , I could get so wrapped up in aiding others , but all in a vein attempt for recognition , praise , to feel needed .. some pretty dumb stuff ..

As I am learning that I do not need any of these things .. so now it has turned to what I do need for me .. something I rarely did .. obessing over anothers issue was easier than dealing with my own ..

so acceptance of my own issues , both the physical and mental ..

As the cobwebs are clearing, I still find myself getting sucked into anothers "drama" .. and find myself "lost" .. taking a deep breath, following techniques that I have learned , eventually and much more quickly am able to get refocused on me ..

What I need , and while I find I can be supportive , I have also learned that I simply must not fall back into losing sight of my goals and have also learned that most people don't like it ..

As it isn't "me" .. oh yes, it is .. and so trying to break this cycle is proven fatiguing, but worth it .. even if I must sound like a broken record at times , if you are going to say you wis to help, be involved with me , then "hearing" is important ..