Pain of knowledge

Sometimes the pain of knowledge gets in the way of moving foward .. in knowing yourself , your capabilities and limitations ..

Knowing too much sometimes holds you back from being able to progress in that you think too much about you .. you become aware of all your movements, thoughts and it is a pain in a way like no other ..

I am to go to an outdoor function , alone, by myself .. and walk around , at night , amidst a group of people and it is going to be my first attempt of doing something I have always enjoyed .. it is a Classics Car cruise-in ..

This is where the cars of generations gone by join together to hang out, talk about , show off and take delight in their "rides" .. having been a longtime enthuiast , it is something I most enjoyed ..

This is my pain, I start to become aware of my "aloneness" , if that is a word .. so my therapist and I discussed this .. it isn't like going to the drug store or food store .. where you have your list and go in and shop and go .. as that becomes routine , you become more comforatable with your surroundings .. the people and faces .. and ou smile ..

No, this is a step I have not yet taken .. alone .. either in the company of friends , spouse or family , which tends to ease that painstaking task .. no, this is different .. last time I got a panic attack and did not go ..

This time I am determined to make it .. so I am going to just be me .. smile , look directly into the eyes of all I meet and be me .. my knowledge of these vehicles is good , and once I get to talking about these cars I loosen up .. well, that is the hope ..

The pain of knowledge is part knowing that I know I can, part being afraid of feeling rejected , or something .. but if I am going to get past having this pain .. I have to do this and what better way than by doing it in an environmennt that I am familiar with ..

Is this making any sense .. I enjoy writing these thoughts out , so I can read them myself , and remind me of just how far I have come and how little I have to really be afraid of ..

Anyway, a huge step , and I will be back to write about it , as I am set to meet people , for real , with whom I share an ineterst .. fingers crossed .. agserra