Tuesday, February 09, 2010
We are starting off a series about social anxiety with a discussion about dating, just in time for Valentine's Day. If you suffer from social anxiety the prospect of dating can seem terrifying. You may focus on what can go wrong such as being rejected, feeling embarrassed or even humiliat...
10 Things You Need to Know About Anxiety Medication 
7 Things Anxiety Sufferers Would Like their Family and Friends to Know 
7 Ways Acupuncture Can Improve Health 
What to Say When Someone is Having an Anxiety Attack 
I really liked your article alot, it has helped me understand a little more about my friend that I would like to date. Last week I told him he would need to make the first move, since I'm a little old fashioned and realizing now that was the worst thing to say to him. Also we pretty much only talk on the phone, I can tell he is not ready to spend time with me in the same room. So do you have any advice on how to date someone with Social Anxiety.
Sincerely,
Someone who cares
Hi Merely Me, What a wonderful article ! I think the awful thing about being a Social phobic is, that many of us are Oscar Nominees when it comes to Acting so nobody knows. Ive read all the self-help books, gone to Group Therapy and Im still intensely self conscious. I really really fear social interaction. I think its ruined my life in alot of ways.Ive left jobs rather than go to parties, such was the anxiety.Crazy? well certainly not logical. The awful thing is, I dont look socially phobic. Years ago,, I did some modelling .Learnt how to dress, look, stand walk. I dont look dreadfully self conscious but I am absolutely whacked after being out on a Date. Its got to the stage now where Ive almost given up on love. Such a waste as I feel ive alot of love to give. I hate being alone. I get dreadful Vertigo blushing, flushing,fainting feelings. I can keep my voice OK. Its in man - Woman situations that Im very very self conscious. So many people say 'Rosemarie how come you dont have a partner?' I have done some internet dating and have been badly slapped. I was visciously raped and left for dead 8 years ago, the run up to the Court case, the whole thing. I had counselling and I know that most men are normal, decent human beings. I'm a sexual animal myself and also not having a decent family or kids, would love a relationship. I feel 'Such a waste ' Its like asking me to jump from a high building. I get frustrated at myself for my awful anxiety around this. Sorry for going on so long. I think its behind my Depression too. The isolation. Thanks again for that wonderful article.I also want others reading this to know that sometimes we social phobics, put on an act in order not to be ridiculed and others would never know we were so so shy. I couldnt even sit in an AA room.
Hi there!
I am so glad this post was helpful to you. If your friend does have social anxiety...then yes...he is probably afraid to make the next move. Asking someone out can be extremely anxiety provoking. I would ease him into it bit by bit. Maybe ask him to meet you for coffee for a set amount of time. You could say..."I will be there if you want to come." This way it is an invitation but he has an out and it is time limited. It is a good sign that he will talk on the phone...sometimes that is even difficult for socially anxious folk.
Please let us know how this evolves. I hope he is able to join you at some point for an outing away from the telephone.
Oh my Rose...I had no idea!
You were raped? I am so sorry this horrible thing happened to you. No wonder you have anxiety and fear. It is just not fair that you have had so much to deal with in your life.
I suffer from social anxiety too. I had it bad at work...and I will be writing about that and other ways it manifests.
I am so glad you are here and to share your experiences. Thank you for all you do on the depression site and now here. I feel happy when I see you have commented. Remember we can't do without you.
Hi Merely Me, thank you so much for your kind words. I type from the heart as you know. I thought after, maybe I shouldnt have shared about my attack as I dont want to upset others. I only share it because, its possible to go on, I bellieve, no matter what has happened. If we have love and support, even this Site. I have no hatred for my attacker. I have pity. I dont view the world as a safe place. I dont think I ever did.
Perhaps thats why I can be fiesty. Its knee-jerk stuff. I lost out on so many great jobs MM from Anxiety. Disabling, as in Vertigo, panic attacks and i literally had to leave the building. there's no point in 'if onlys' 'Iwish' if I had only done this' the fact is, we do the best we can at the time. They hadnt discovered that SSRIs and good Counsellors etc can ease Anxiety and Depression. I think that most Socially phobic people really WANT to connect with other people. I love chatting and I love a good laugh, to have fun, to dance, and yet, these things that I fear, are exactly what I really want, its a weird paradox.
I agree with you Rose...
I always want to connect...I just am a scaredy cat. I find the Internet to be such a blessing...here...finally...most of the time...I can feel more secure. I am the same way...outgoing in some respects but really shy underneath.
It is just horrible that you had to go through that experience. I cannot even imagine. You must feel such anger. You are kind to feel pity.
Thanks Rose...for being here.
Dear Merely Me, I want to say thank you for being there for me and this site for putting up with me. I didnt feel anger towards the man, he was very rich and well connected. He had a very wealthy family and great defense team. He was however, very flawed and damaged. I felt I was going to be killed. It was surreal and very very humiliating which is of course what its all about. I pray for the guy because, he is in denial and has to live with whatever is going on in his head. He didnt put me off men, he didnt make me bitter and nasty [I hope !] and he didnt take my spirit, he couldnt touch that. He still has himself to live with and I leave him to God. Life is too short. I really want to work on this Anxiety. I would love to be vulnerable and put Ego and fear of rejection aside and have the confidence to go out there and meet somebody nice and decent. I dont go on facebook online because I dont want that person to know where I live. I am determined to get a handle on Depression and anxiety. thanks Merely Me for your empathy, it means alot. So many just couldnt talk to me about it, that hurt. My 'family' saw the physical bruises/biting [horrific] inflicted by this person and yet, not a word was said, it was never discussed. The serious crime squad here were appalled by that .
Well I think he's still too far from having a coffee date. I did call him Wednesday night and hadn't talked since Saturday when he canceled movie night at his place. So I thought I had scared him off and realized I was going to have to make the call. So I did and kept it very light and fun. We ended up talking for about an hour and that is the bare minimum our conversation end up as. Last night I wanted to call and wasn't sure if it was going to be too much and he was driving and so I said "why don't I let you go so that you can drive and you can call me later if you want" :) He called me as soon as he got home and that was in 10 min.! So I was feeling better about that since he made the call and really wanted to talk to me. We talked for 2 hours last night. I also the night before asked if he wanted to attend an Ocean acidification talk and before I could get all of that out he said "if it's a social event I will never go" So it seems like the phone lines will have to be it for a while, but I have gone over to his house that he is building and brought my bunny Biscuit and he gets to nibble on what is left in his garden. There are no lights up in his house so I go just before dark so that is the time limit and he's done with what he needs to do for that day and a small window of time to hang out. That seems like that will be it for a bit, I just am getting so attached to him and want more, that seems to be the hardest part for me.
awww this must be so hard on you. Well it seems he is giving you big clues as to what he is capable of and what he is not. You are doing really well with listening to him and not freaking him out with too much. Does he do anything social or public at all? I bet he feels very grateful for your understanding. But I guess in the end...you have to ask yourself...will this relationship meet your needs? He may not be able to change this about himself so...then what?
Let us know what happens.
Hi Merely me,
Well I think the magic has fadded away and I may have seemed too interested too fast and scared him off. I've had a crush on him for 3 years and finally did something about it but now I can go back to having a crush on him and that's fine. That's why they call it a crush, because it crushes you. The only thing I feel like I can tell myself is that I can only do so much here. Maybe he just needs a few weeks off from talking on the phone, but if that is how it's going to be I question if that is all it will ever be or how long do I wait to see.
Thankyou for all your help in this matter,
Michelle