"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are." -Don Miguel Ruiz
Who is afraid of death? Raise your hand! Well you would not be alone in this fear. Most of us feel some trepidation, anxiety, and/or fear about death. If the fear is extreme then it is called "Thantophobia" which means the morbid fear of death. We are going to be exploring the topic of death and dying here on Anxiety Connection in the weeks to come and I thought we would start off by discussing fear and anxiety about death.
I remember a nightmare I had when I was in college and learning about psychological theories. We were learning about Freud and his psychoanalytical theory that we have two basic instincts or drives. One is Eros (the sexual drive or creative life force) and the other is Thanatos (the death drive or destructiveness). Freud postulated that we are in a lifelong balancing act between these two drives of growth and destruction. In my dream I saw two doors and one was labeled Eros and the other Thanatos. I chose to open Thanatos and I peered into big black nothingness. That open door fell beneath my feet and I began to fall into the never ending darkness. In terror I startled awake, drenched with sweat. I can still recall the great looming fear that I could not quite shake for hours. I am sure any therapist would have a field day with that dream.
My fear of death began when I was a little girl. My father died when I was four and my mother told me that he fell asleep and could not wake up. I did not get to go to the funeral and so his death was always shrouded in mystery. I remember feeling frightened to go to sleep for fear that I too might not wake up.
The fear of death can begin when we are young due to our lack of experience with death. Death represents the great unknown. It seems incomprehensible. Seeing death represented on television or a video game is very different from experiencing the loss of a loved one. We often fear what we don't know. It was true for me that as a four year old, I had no comprehension of what death meant and my fear was that at any minute one's existence could just go *poof*. As I got older death was a concept I just could not wrap my mind around just like looking into the vast night sky and wondering about "infinity." What does it all mean?
Then too I think the fear of death can result from living in a world where we are removed from death as an essential part of life. It used to be that people died at home surrounded by family and even community. While this sometimes still happens it is more likely that we will die while under the care of a medical professional in a hospital or aide in a nursing home. In some cases we get to see the process of death unfold but in many cases it may be more likely that we get a phone call that someone has died.
Even the death of our pets is shrouded in mystery as when they are "put to sleep" which is an extremely merciful and appropriate action when a pet is suffering. Yet the first time you see an animal die naturally it seems anything but natural and can be quite unsettling. When I witnessed one of my beloved cats die before my eyes I was amazed by the process but frightened too. I still remember her pupils dilating, her body shaking, and her last breaths before becoming still. To see life leave always shakes one's very foundation. Yet it was also a very sacred time I spent with my pet to be with her at that last moment and beyond.
