As sad as funerals usually are, I think they're necessary for most people so that they have a way to offer condolences to the family, honor the memories the person gave them and to have a way to mark this passage, to say good-bye.
My grandfather was the first person I knew who died, when I was 8. He had been ill for nearly all of my life, but I don't think I was able to comprehend that it was going to end up with him leaving forever. I still miss him a lot, he felt like the only safe male in my life. My parents took me to the visitation the night before the funeral, but I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral itself, which I still regret. I always felt that it was because my mother was too upset to want to deal with anyone else's grief. I was told he would look like he was sleeping and I remember vividly the blue of his suit and watching him closely to see if he was maybe still breathing. Years later, I started having nightmares about dead people sitting up and talking, but I could never understand what they were saying.
I've been to a lot of funerals, not unusual for someone my age, and one thing I've noticed is that when it's been someone in my or my husband's family, how much we've appreciated the people who took the time to show up. I never realized that before, but the support of your friends and other family members means a lot. I regret a few that I should have gone to and didn't and later felt that I had let my friends down.
I think we should respect the wishes of the dying person as to what they want, unless it's something unreasonable. To me, it's been particularly touching when the music has been chosen by the deceased and I've known it - it's made it very personal. Yes, it's sad, but to be able to cry and feel the loss ends up being a little cathartic. Even when the person who died isn't a family member of mine, I still feel grief for that family because I know how it will affect them.
That is something that...between the three of us...it was our grandfather we saw first as someone who has passed away. Maybe that was a thing back then...not to have children at the funeral. I don't know. I am sorry you lost your grandfather Judy...I can see where having a safe man is so important in your life.
Time does go on doesn't it?
Whew...this topic is hitting me today. I think I need a break from it. :>)
Thanks as always for sharing so much of yourself here.
I am 44 years old and am terrified of funerals. The thought of caskets, corpses, funereal flowers and music make me break out in sweats. I shake like a leaf and just want to hide in a corner or throw up. I was not able to approach the casket of my paternal grandmother at her funeral and 10 years later with the help of 2 Xanax, I was able to approach my maternal grandmother's casket but the anxiety was still there. The thought of planning a loved one's funeral fills me with such dread and fear that some times I wish that something would happen to me first so I don't have to deal with all that. That of course is not possible. I guess I am looking to see if there is any kind of help to reduce or get rid of this fear. Maybe some sort of hypnosis?
Thank you so much for sharing...I am 21 and cannot go to a funeral that is tonight. I looked up phobias because when I was about 12 my grandmother passed and i was inside the door but had to turn around and stay outside during the whole thing. Till this day I cannot go. I dont want to remember someone like that......
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I am in solid agreement and have been since my youth, that the person's wishes should take precedence over any others. It is the final show of respect, other than lonely trips to their grave or, the photo album.
Of course, if they wanted a gold lined casket or a parade, then perhaps, not so practical or likely. My wishes had better be followed or I will haunt my children, and I've told them so. :)
I think the first funeral I attended was also a grandparent's but I was so young, there was no concept, no curiosity of the waxen figure lying there. Just a lot of noise from people crowded in several rooms. He was the holder of the never seen barber's strap that my mother said I would be meeting if I didn't behave. My father's at 13, was more somber, more regretful, from the suddenness; and the finality sank in.
After that, where by the way, a grade school friend showed up with her friend along too, probably for the same reason as you, I avoided funerals when I could. What to say, where to stand, who are all of these people? Uncles, aunts, cousins forgotten, and strangers. Unable to decipher who was who without an accompanying older sister or brother. What small talk to make?
It is, for me, just anxiety spilled over from life.
I rationalized not going by thinking that, the time to show respect for someone was when they were living. My oldest sister always said it was for closure, the whole process, all the way through a communal meal at someone's house after the funeral. I had one older brother die at 54. All I remember of the funeral was how much his only daughter loved him.
Of him, I have a huge number of still living memories.
I don't fear going, though there is anxiety about all those people.
I question the rituals.
Hi Paul!
Thanks for sharing so much here. That was an especially young age for you to lose your father. I am so sorry. You were at such a tender age.
I can relate to the anxiety over all the people at a funeral...everything is so public...and your feelings are on display for all to see. I think it is good that there are rituals to guide us...maybe they give us something to do and also that closure you talk about.
I do appreciate you stopping by to comment. I am always glad to see you.