My husband suffers from severe GAD. I have bipolar disorder. We are codependent but I am sure I have been emotionally abused since we got married - 27 years ago. The symptoms I suffer from have prevented me from recognizing and doing anything about it. I dont think my husband fully knows what he is doing. I believe in his heart he wouldn't do any of these controlling behaviors if he knew how they affected me. But I am now so afraid to say anything that he just keeps on keeping on. He has never physically abused me. He did just recently say that our marriage is a catastrophe. While I go to therapy regularly, he just can't seem to find the time. Oh well. Now I'm going to see my church's assistant pastor for even more guidance. Anxiety is the most horrible thing I have ever experienced. Worse even than my bipolar disorder.
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I am talking about inside my apartment. Everything has to be "just so" before I can relax. The dishes have to be washed, the floors clean, shoes lined up, all the closet doors shut, all the drawers to be fully shut. It really bugs me if they aren't. Causes anxiety, in other words.
When stretching out on the bed to take a nap, or to go to sleep at the end of the day, I often jump up and go write something on my "to do" list that I absolutely must not forget. Even if it is something a couple of weeks in the future. In fact, I keep a notepad and pen in every room so I can write down the things I want to remember. Even if it is a word I want to look up in the dictionary.
I think maybe I fear being negligent in some way; nothing must be left to chance. Everything that needs to be done will be done. I have been trying to ease up on myself and let things go sometimes, but I'm not very good at it. It is hard to leave a dish in the sink or my bed unmade or shoes not returned to their "proper" place.
And I live ALONE! It is not as if someone is spying to see how efficient I am. It is not as if that dust on the coffee table is going to damage my reputation. If it it not all done by the end of the day, it is hard to get to sleep at night and I wake up early the next morning ready to "perform" again.
Maybe I think if I can keep my environment safe and clean and orderly, my mind will stay that way, also.
Donna
You need to come to my house.
We are a bunch of messies here.
Is this something that you are okay with...or do you feel that it causes anxiety if things are not just so in your house? If it is not a problem for you...then maybe this helps you...but if it borders on an obsession or compulsion then maybe it is something to take a look at.
As always...I appreciate you taking the time to come on over here to the anxiety site. if you have any suggestions for future posts...would be glad to hear your ideas.
Donna, you took the works right out of my mouth! I have to do lists everywhere. I even carry them in my pocket so I won't forget things. If I forget, that really annoys me.
I think I am a control freak due to being an adult child of a severe alcoholic. I always try to make everything right so as to not cause any problems and also because I was the oldest child and I was really an adult by age five. I also have a parent who battles severe depression and is very paranoid. Both of my parents are hoarders (for completely different reasons) and I don't want' to every be like either of them.
I over control to the point of exhaustion. It is very, very draining. Not really satisfying to me at all. But if I don't no this, things like the dishes, drawers and etc. will drive me crazy!