Yeah, my picture could go with this one, too. I think I had no dating or relationship issues to speak of when I dated in high school and college, and then when I married. The real problems developed with an ultra-controlling husband. I was 24 and not allowed to do or own anything on my own. Everything had to be done with his permission and usually with his scorn and disapproval afterwards. I was devastated mentally, physically and emotionally. It was so draining to be in a controlling relationship. Now, when any man wants my attention or when I feel attracted to someone, I feel this horrible revulsion at the idea of possibly being controlled again. Like something I cannot stand.
Funny how I let other women control me, though -- my mother, my sister, my girlfriends. I am an approval-seeker and am only now, at this stage of recovery, learning how to rein in my fears and be more self-assertive.
So great to see this kind of information available online. It took 15 years to disocover why I would suffer from extreme sexual dysfuctions near the beginning of every romantic relationship I ever entered into. 2-6 sexual encounters without difficulties and then once my intimacy fear tipping point was reached with any given woman my body would shut down sexually. I later discovered that the intimacy anxiety was subconcious which is why I never felt any conscious anxiety before this would happen. At this "tipping point" the anxiety would cause my body to be flooded by the hormone cortisol and I would immediately lose my erection, ability to orgasm and all sexual desire for the person I was with.
As I said I never knew what the problem was. In fact, when I was single I thought I was simply very easily bored sexually and when the problems would crop up I would just move on to a new partner and it went on this way for almost two decades until I finally got married. When that happened the severity of the problem became a huge burden on my wife as I was unable to sexually perform with her. We tried many types of therapy with many different therapists over the years, all with no result. It wasn't until my marriage had been sexless for over 12 years that I finally disovered the cause of this. By then it was too late to fix my marriage but at least at long last I had a reason for a life without love, intimacy or close relationships.
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Slap a picture of me right next to this one! I do all of it, serial date, sabotage when things seem to get good... Years ago I live with somebody I loved and I would feel panic, for no reason, that he wouldn't return home from work. I ended the relationship because I couldn't handle the fear. Broke both our hearts.
My intimacy fears are no mysterious puzzle. I was abruptly taken from my mother when I was 4 1/2. Then subsequently every person I began to forge a bond with throught out my childhood disappeared. This is why I've been so devastated by my therapist of 2 years abruptly dumping me. I had opened up with her more than I had with anybody else in my life. Ever.
But the good news is that having found this site, I feel less alone. I feel less like a freak. I feel relieved to know that these thoughts and phobias are not solely mine. Many people have them. Blast it all - I'm not even special! ;-)
Hey there!
I am glad you found these sites too. You are definitely not alone. That sort of early trauma can definitely affect things well into your adult years. You don't want to feel pain and hurt and re-live that childhood trauma. And it is very hard to trust anyone because...they might leave. So you leave first.
This is a scenario being played out...all over the world.
Please do keep writing and sharing. We would love to hear more of your story.