I lost my father when I was 12 - 2 days before my 12th birthday actually - after a 10-year long illness. I don't think I ever grieved properly, because I pretty much just tried to pretend it didn't happen and just put it out of my head. I avoided thinking about it because it was too upsetting.
Ever since then I have episodes where the memory of that day come flooding back and I just lose it, can't stop crying, thinking about it etc. In my mid twenties I started to develop a lot of anger, irritability, short temper - and it just seems to be getting worse all the time. I am now married 6 years and have 2 lovely children, and lately I've been living with a whole new set of fears. One, that something terrible is going to happen to my kids, and 2, that I'm going to die and leave them behind without a mother. I can't hear or see anything about loss and I have visions of my children being kidnapped, abused, murdered, or about myself being diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's getting to the point where I'm almost afraid to take my children out in my car for fear that we'll all die in an accident.
On top of it all my relationship with my husband is pretty much non-existent - I just can't be emotionally close to him anymore.
Could all of this be because of losing my father when I was young? I just don't know what to do anymore becuase I feel like my world is so out of control and falling apart. I don't want to think the thoughts I do, but I can't seem to stop them.
I know I should probably seek some help, but I can't bear the thought of talking about all this. It's just too hard. (Typing is easy - I can type and cry at the same time!! Ha ha!)
I've been reading some of the posts from this site, and I find them very comforting for some reason. One thing that has caught my attention is the PTSD - can that REALLY happen following the loss of a loved one?
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I am suffering greatly following the murder of my 17 year old son Christopher. He was killed by a drunk driver on November 8, 2007. Although I did not witness the crash, the ensuing criminal trial exposed me to his death and the injuries he suffered. I have a constant playing scenario going on in my brain of his death. I have taken Zoloft for over a year, as well as Xanax and various other anti anxiety medications, but nothing seems to help my symptoms. I also visit a therapist, which does help. My panic attacks have worsened, and I have trouble concentrating and also have short term memory issues. I have been unable to work since his murder, and the feelings of suicide have increased. I am becoming more and more anxious, and am terrified of what will become of me. Any advice is much appreciated.
Cheryl
Cheryl
I cannot even pretend to know what you are going through but my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
I know that you have said that your anxiety attacks have worsened, and, this is often the case as the more you begin to fear an anxiety attack happening, the more it may develop and then your fear increases. It becomes a cycle of fear.
I don't know if you have joined or tried grief counseling or grief support groups. Possibly this may help you to come to terms with the terrible tragedy. Talking to and being able to express the anger and despair you feel with others that can understand and have suffered a loss such as yours may help you.
I don't think there is a timeline on when you should be able to stop grieving for your son. I don't think there is a time when you should be able to let go or be able to get up each morning without thinking of the accident. I think this will happen in it's own time.
You may want to find out more about the organization Moms Against Drunk Drivers and see if there is something you can do to help. Possibly using your son's death to do good in this world will help you have some peace.
I wish there was more I could do.
Eileen