After a few "anxiety free" months....its back. I had a small attack in Church this past Sunday. I was able to overcome it. I realize that when I am in an anxious state that I am irratible and short with people. I was able to bite my tongue.

This attack I am having right this minute is about my desire to "act out" my addiction. I get like this when I am most tempted. Why am I tempted? This morning I gave in. I didn't feel anxious then but as I rehash it in my mind over and over the pain and guilt mount, its like scaling a sheer cliff. 

I saw my grief counselor last night. I opened up a few things that I am dealing with. Afterwards I realized that I am doing double counseling. I talked to Margaret about dropping one of them. She said which one do you feel most comfortable with? I said the one I just saw. Not ony do I feel good with her, it will be cheaper than the other guy. Money is not a major issue, but if I can save money I will.

Last nights' session I spilled my guts. Much like the other yet I felt she understood better. I am dealing with major issues and she gave me compassion and caring. She had me do an excerise.

Here is what she had me do....

My name is_________

I sound like________

I look like__________

I feel like__________

I am______________

This is what I wrote..

My name is Saddness. I sound like a train whistle howling through the night. My look is drab and dreary, like a long, cold winters' night...cold and unforgiving. When my name (Saddness) becomes a feeling it is fear, fear of the whistle and cold like the night. I am invisible. None can see me. None are around me. Saddness rules me, yet a face tells me otherwise..it says I'm okay. I chose Saddness, for my eyes can only see, the man I am & what I hold inside.

"Today is the beginning of the rest of our lives."

David