Hi my names Joseph,
I'm 59 years old and i would be grateful for any information or tips etc on aldult separation anxiety.I've had it as long as i can remember and i've never grown out of it.
There does'nt seem to be any information on the web about my problem, it always seems to talk about child separation anxiety.
Hope to hear from someone soon.
Joseph.
I only recently heard about this syndrome. But it explains alot. I'm 30 years old, I live in the US and my boyfriend lives in Norway. I couldn't figure out why when we're apart I lose my mind and he's just fine. I cry all the time. I find myself watching the clock waiting for him to sign into the instant messager program we both use. I count the days till he comes back to the US (which is hard to do since it's months at a time) I'm constantly in fear that he's with someone else. Even though I know his love for me is real and that he's NOT with someone else. My constant worried drive him crazy. And me too. I lose sleep over not being with him, and I'm unable to function at work. This is nearly every day. I have my better days sometimes but most of the time I feel this huge weight crushing my chest. I find myself glued to my computer cause that's my only affordable means of communication with him. And if for whatever reason he's not online when I am, I feel lost, and almost panicky. This happens anytime I'm not in constant communication with him. Then my mind automatically runs to thoughts of infedelity. At first I thought it was just severe trust issues. Now after reading up on this disorder, I'm not so sure. We have a six hour time difference, So when he logs off the computer around 6pm my time to go to bed, the rest of my night is empty and I can barely even complete a thought. I try to keep myself busy by going out with friends, but it doesn't work. All I think about is him and "what is he doing right now." DUH! Sleeping! I go crazy if when I'm online with him it takes him even 3 minutes to respond to something I've said. when I say constant communication...I mean CONSTANT! I know these feelings aren't healthy but I just don't know how to control them. And I'm afraid that they might get so bad at some point they might eventually drive him away.
wow, same here. My spouse lives oversees as well and I am also constantly glued to my computer or cellphone. I email hundreds of times a day and then check my spouses email just to see if they read my messages. I make constant phone calls and send text messages. If they do not reply to a message instantly, I lose my mind. I can't function. I think about racing to the airport to catch the 1st flight out, the only thing preventing me from doing so being that sitting on a plane for 10 hours without the possibility of contacting my spouse or checking my or their email is not survivable. The weight on my chest is there, as is the inability to communicate with others or even perform basic tasks.My fear is not about infidelity. It is worse and more profound. When my spouse doesnt respond to a message or an email or a phone call it is as if my landscape turns grey, the trees are bare and black, the ground is hard and frozen, black clouds hover above me, there is nothing, nobody around and it is cold. The moment I do get a message, an email or when they pick up the phone, the sun breaks through, green leaves grow on branches, grass and flowers grow around me and I feel an intense though disproportionate happiness.
Interestingly I have had the same anxiety towards my parents as a kid...I know that it is absolutely irrational. I am well educated, have a good job, make plenty of money and have lots of friends. I am 28, in top shape, and consider myself to be an ultra rational human being. Still, this anxiety thing is getting worse and worse and I need to find a way to deal with it. Do you guys know of any medication out there that might be able to help, or is this something I need to discuss with a therapist before going on meds?
Thanks,
S.A.
Hi'
There are plenty of drugs out there for anxiety,i've been on two different lots for 16 years,so they don't actually cure you but they sure can help.But your first port of call is the doctor or therapist,you need to find out a way to beat it without drugs if possible.
All the time you're spending back and forth on the computer can't be healthy,you'll be waiting on messages all the time and that will get worse,i'm sure when you speak to someone they'll say the same.
Hope things go well.
You need to break the cycle of desperation, I fully understand how you feel and its not easy, absences makes one feel uneasy, however, in the bright light of the day, you must try and think rationally about your own behaviour, sit there and try and comprehend how you are acting.
Constant communication show signs of (1). Weakness (2) Lack of trust (3) Neediness (4) Desperation, none of the traits that you yourself would find attractive.
I've worked abroad for many years and have suffered from separation anxiety and been the victim of this too, neither of which is nice.
hu
You need a plan, and that is try and stretch the time between communicating with your partner, even if that time is hours, then step by step make it longer, until you can make it one whole day, you will feel stronger and more in control, every notch you make in strengthening your own ''self''.
I guess you suffer from this too, you talk on the phone, when you get off the phone, for some odd reason, you have self doubt on how you came across was I unhappy, resolute about life, dreary, then you want to call and check that all is ok, STOP, because what you're doing here is eroding the very trust that is between the pair of you.
You find yourself re-reading emails and trying to read between the lines, this is no bad thing, and can in a way relieve you of your anxiety, and I would encourage rather than sending another email.
Try and stay calm, in the end of the day, what could be the worse thing? You split up, ok, well you will be ok, you will find someone else.
Also you need to ask yourself, do you really want a life of separation? Are you capable of being an adult and holding a relationship at a distance? If you find yourself struggling to answer this question then the answer is NO. Then you must make a move to be with your partner or split up.
Then you must not repeat the same mistake, being together may be what makes you whole and therefore, perhaps you are not suited to separation and you know yourself if you are strong enough to hold your own in the wind.
GOOD LUCK - remember you can make it change you have the strength to enjoy yourself on your own.....
Do you share these anxieties with your partners? If so, how do they take it? My spouse tries to accomodate as much as possible but because of very busy schedules it is not always possible, and I dont really tell my spouse how bad my anxiety attacks get because on the one hand it is a little embarrassing and on the other hand i don't want to burden my spouse too much...
I would say you have to tell your partner,but make sure he totally loves you because i'm told it could work against you,it could finish up with him using it as a control tool.I'm sure you can imagine all sorts of problems arising from it.But that's not going to happen is it? i'm sure he's loving and understanding.
As for my wife she's brilliant,she is so understanding and supportive and i can tell her anything no matter how silly it sounds.When i say anything that's not strictly true.There are a couple of things i can't mention because it's to do with her and they sound really stupid and irrational but they still trigger off a episode of separation anxiety.
All the best.
My partner travels for work and I find it very hard. The first day is always the worst and I feel unable to function even and cry. As the trip goes on, it gets easier as I know that I will get to see him. I find it hard to see the positive when he is away. I have taken anxiety pills in the past but I want to be off pills right now for a bit. Also the anxiety pills don't really help the situational periods when the problem is happening. I have taken ativan to help calm things but it makes you feel so numb and sleepy that you can't function either. I am trying to find a way to make this better. I am not naive enough to think it will ever go away fully but I need to be able to hide it better on the outside and be able to function. Has anyone tried therapy with any success? Does it get better? Are there things that you do to make it go by differently? Even when I try to make myself busy, I find it so hard to focus and concentrate. I have actually become physically ill because of it. I have even called in sick to work on the first day or gone home because I was having such bad attacks and couldn't deal with it. I feel so lost. I call people to talk all the time when he is gone just so I don't feel so alone but I still do. No-one else really understands either...he doesn't but he does try.
Has anyone tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or other non medicine therapy? Has it worked? Do you have any coping mechanisms that you can recommend?
I am going through this same thing-- so good to know I'm not alone. There are very few resources online about this so I feel a little lost without information. I'm 23 and it recently only started in the past month or two. My husband of a year and a half and I have been having problems. We have a 9 month old daughter who is wonderful and healthy so I'm grateful. My separation anxiety is from my parents though. I can't really talk about it with anyone because it's embarrassing- I feel like I'm my 9 month old daughter! They live only about 20 minutes away and I just want to be there, in the home I grew up in all the time. THe past two weeks have been bad with my husband so my daughter and I stayed with my parents...I didn't want to leave. My parents are supportive, thinking I'm staying there because of marital problems (which is the intial reason). My sister has a PhD in psychology and suggested maybe I also have some separation anxiety from mom & dad and their home. A lot has happened in my life in the past 2 years (met & married my husband & had my first child) and being so young still I think I'm trying to revert back to my days of less responsibility and being taken care of by my parents and just relaxing without having to worry about anything. I obviously love my husband and my baby girl TONS so I feel guilty to want to stay at my parents. I'm seeing a psychologist that I saw years ago for a BDD diagnosis and don't want to do meds at all, I've never been on them for anything like this and want to work through it because I've actually conquered it, not just because I'm numb from medicine. It's helped a bit so far but all I can think about is finding a way to be able to go and spend the night at my parent's house, relax, have dinner & fall asleep there.
I would try all you can before you take any medication....Because anxiety will still be there, all you've done is numb the human response.
As for therapy, that very much depends, and what I might suggest is that you are brave and face your demons head on, in someways this is the best suggestion, what you do and are doing now is looking at how you behave when feeling anxiety. None of this is easy, however looking at the issue with open eyes will make you realise that it is not so bad, hiding away from it will instill you with fear and possible loathing for the situation.
Coping mechanisms, you have first of all to understand that you can manage, you can cope, you can be yourself, you can be brave, then you can devise a strategy to relieve the symptoms.
Bravery, remember this, the bravest person is most frequently the most frightened, if you have no fear you cannot be brave!
To cope one must not allow the feeling to well up to an intolerable level, each person is different, but being positive when behaving normally helps, then when the anxiety starts to creep in do something to distract yourself, even if its looking out the window, go for a short walk, anything and something physical is better, like make the beds. Try to rationalise the feeling, why do I feel this way? If I love the person then when I think about them I want to feel happy, and then you can stand up and say I am in control. Something that you might like to try it just yelling out as loud as you can!! This feels great afterwards, you're releasing yourself to the world.
In the end of the day, you will always have anxiety, it is natural, is is healthy, it is nothing to be worried about, you just have to understand that you can get on and enjoy what and where you are, if you can capture the essence that you will be ok, then you will even surprise yourself and find that the days are good and you can enjoy yourself.....!
Sometime you have to be mean to be kind, parents of married children who allow them to come back and stay are being essentially selfish! If you're stuck like this and find yourself going home then you need to talk to your parents and explain that sometimes they should tell you to go back to your own house, they want you there, and in a way they love having you around, however, its not fair on you, they have to let go and be strong as well.......If you know they are on your side you can visit without the feeling that perhaps they might ask you to stay...Knowing that you'll be going to your own home after a short visit will give you all the strength you need....Try it out and you be shocked, they want you to be happy....Explaining it to them will give them the strength to stop leaning on you....
I am so happy to have found this site. I have suffered on and off with separation anxiety for most of my life. As a child I would completely freak if my parents were late or didnt come home when they were supposed to. I would call where they were at and have them paged, I would sit at home and stare out the window with the most intense pain in my belly - a gut wrenching pain thinking something happened to them - they got in an accident, they died - just crazy crazy thoughts. The funny part is, I have never been abondoned and have no reason to really feel that way I feel. But when those feelings kick in, they are DEFINITELY FOR REAL. Coming to this site I see others experience those same horrible symptoms - lack of concentration, can't sleep, can't work, heart palps, stomach pains, unable to enjoy anything until that person arrives safely home then I can finally breathe.
Fast forward, I am 34 years old. I am great relationship - FINALLY, with a great man. Everything is perfect -until record scratch - he travels for a living. GULP. I try my hardest to accept it but its those thoughts, the worry, the disconnect. He travels the world literally plus he's doing something he loves to do and I am proud of him and respect how much he has accomplished I just wished I could truly be excited for him but even with trying to accept it and not think about it or make him feel guilty those terrible feelings/thoughts creep in and completely take over everything.
This time he leaves Feb 24th for 3 weeks in Canada- he will even be gone for my bday ;-( I am already waking up panicked, going to bed panicked, thinking what am I going to do every morning, every night, every weekend without him? I think when will we speak, will we be able to speak? He is a musician so he is on tour - he works weird late hours and spends evenings at VIP parties and days traveling to the next show so it's tough to keep in constant contact. I already think about that feeling of waiting by the phone, the computer in absolute agony. He tries to be supportive and understand but as we all are seeing its hard for others to TRULY understand what we experience cause honestly we are definitely a little nuts. On the flip side as another lady wrote when you get that call, that text, that email its the best moment of your day! It gives you power to move on and get through the rest of the day....but once that 24 hour mark hits the anxiety kicks in like nothing else.
He has been great though, he sends my his travel itinerary so I know where he is at, where he is staying and where he is going next. I have all hotel #'s etc so that makes me feel better. The odd thing is, it's NOT A TRUST thing, it's a fear/disconnect thing and to this date, it's the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with and it really does boggle my mind as to why I have to deal with this.
Just like everyone else I have a great career - I work in TV, I have tons of friends, family close by, hobbies but when he leaves i cant bring myself to enjoy any of it, I am just waiting to hear from him all day, all night every day - it's terrible. I hate that I am this way and if anyone knew the half of how I felt i would be extremely embarrased because hello, we are grown adults, why can't we cope.
As Valentines day approaches and I have one more week of quality time to enjoy with him I am going to try my hardest to not start worrying now before he leaves...as for when he's gone I just hope i will be able to deal and not make him feel bas as he is doing what he loves, his job and paying bills.....
So you guys may be seeing a lot of me over the next few weeks!
Thanks for sharing and hopefully we can learn something here!!
Jessie - I am 32 and feel exactly as you do....my fiance travels...in fact he is going away in a couple week again and I already feel bad. I feel that I could have written everything you did. I am an adult and I can cook and clean and work and take care of myself but feel horrible and upset and have attacks when he is away. I was on anxiety medication but have stopped that (with a doctor). I was told to try Congnitive Behavioural Therapy but haven't...not sure how the person is suppose to make me face my fears...was told that if you are afraid of a dog they will put you in a room with a dog...yeah you can't send someone away when they would be home. I have tried normal talk therapy and even hypnotherapy...nothing. I do get to text and talk at least once a day and we use the webcam. He trys to be supportive and understand but how can you understand when you don't suffer from the same problems. I could go visit my mom for a while and stay with her but I don't want to leave the home that we share which seems strange so I go and visit but never stay over. It is very situational, my anxiety that is....I have some small anxiety here and there but the majority is situational when my fiance travels.
I hear you, its the same thing for me. Situational. The traveling for long periods of time is the worst. For example he is out of town today for a show in Vermont. I was ok today cause I know I'll see him tomorrow but the thought of 3 weeks gone is TERRIFYING to me.
And just like you - everyone close to me including my therapist days "This will be great thing for you...." 3 weeks fly. Im like are you kidding me?!?!? 3 weeks...1 day and I am on the verge of freaking. I dont know how to attack this either but i guess I have no choice now but to face this fear and dig deep to see where it stem from....
At least we know we are not alone, there's people out there that experience the same pain.....
Jessie - 3 weeks does not fly. Though I will admit the first day is always the worse. 5 days has been the longest for me since I have actually gone to visit him since he has travelled to some ok places. This time I can't and it will be 9 days total...8 sleeps. I do a count down. My fiance tries to understand but he just can't. He does text me and call me daily though. But I will get up early since he is two hours difference in time just to talk to him before work and then will talk to him after work also. I have to or I just break down.
Do you find there is anything that helps you?
I am tired of people telling me to find things to keep me occuped. That doesn't help that much and for some reason I don't like being away from the home too much. Also work productivity decreases bad...I just feel like I get ADHD or something and can't concentrate. I just keep thinking of the next time I will be able to talk to him.
I find that I get into a hard routine when he is gone which helps me a bit. I will watch tv and I talk on the phone to anyone who will talk to me...a lot of my friends try to understand at least and if not they just listen to me.
The first day I cry until I throw up almost though. Psychiatrist has basically told me I am just hyper sensitive and nothing to do.
I don't want to take the drugs anymore since they didn't do much....the ativan helps temporarily but you feel numb and then you feel super hungover the next day and worse.
I wish I could figure out some way for my subconcious to accept it and not be so upset.
My fiance says I become like a half zombie before he goes away and a zombie while he is gone. It hurts him to see me as I am also. I know it bugs him a lot and makes his travelling harder on him also.
- C
I guess if we keep writing about it, trying to search for answers we will eventually get a little better with dealing but I don't know how or when.
I don't take pills, I do sometimes take unisom to sleep if my mind is racing. But same as you as far as keeping busy, I dont even want to because I am always pre-ouccupied -it totally sucks.
I have one week until he is gone and I am DREADING it. I am trying to line up stuff but just like you I sort of rather be home....weird.
If you don't mind me asking....What does your fiance do? And does he travel often?
Hi Jessie. My fiance does computer stuff. He doesn't travel a ton I guess compared to others but it averages about a week a month...sometimes though every couple months.
Do you find that unisom makes you feel groggy the next day? Is it an over the counter pill? I find it hard to sleep and if I take stuff sometimes you feel almost hungover the next day.
I have one week also and then my fiance will be gone for a bit over a week...9 days I guess. But I am holding on to a faint hope that he will be able to come home a few days sooner. I just feel sick even thinking about it though.
I will try and make some plans for while he is away. I have a friend whose boyfriend is gone for part of the same time so maybe we will get together. It is hard on weeknights because after working all day and taking the bus, you don't really want to go out normally either. Also he will be 2 hours away time zone wise so I will end up talking to him for a bit but then he will go to sleep and it will only be around 9 pm for me...too early to sleep but getting on too late to call anyone to talk also.
I feel like such a pain to friends as I am calling them all the time to talk about nothing just to talk cause I feel so alone.
I shouldn't feel alone or abandoned but I do...it is so irrationale that it annoys me. I shouldn't feel sick in the upcoming week since he is still here also.
I only found this site by google. I don't know much about it but it seemed to be the only spot that really had much information on separation anxiety.
Do you do anything to relax or find that anything helps you at all?
Sometimes I will take a bath right before bed just to make me calmer...and have some hot milk....and even put a hot pack in the microwave to lay on to help me stay warm and sleep more.
Hi C!
I am doing terrible too. He left this morning at 4am. 22 days he will be gone. I tried to make plans for most of the time and sometimes I am like "Ok, I can do this, I will be fine!" then two seconds later I am like 22 DAYS!!! Omg, I can't deal when I really think about the time and the distance apart.
At least for the next 10 days we can keep in contact and help eachother as much as we can.
I made a big calendar and am gonna check off the days...there's lots of them thats for sure. I dont know. We are supposed to text and message as much as we can but yea no, I am not doing well either. Anxious and crying and can't focus at work.
The only good thing is maybe I will lose some weight cause when I worry, I can't eat ;-) Always try to look on the bright side.
Where are you located? East Coast, West Coast? North, South?
Hi Jessie...my name is Cindy.
I am not doing well at all....left work cause sick. I tried to get into a walk-in clinic to see a normal dr and couldn't today but booked an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. He leaves tomorrow morning and it is snowing so bad here that I won't be able to drive him. He will be gone 9 days but that is the longest for me and I am freaking out hard core. I haven't told anyone at work cause I don't want them to know. People look down and judge too much because of anxiety and panic attacks.
I work in an office...what type of work do you do? There isn't really even a cubicle for me...it is pretty open.
I know he will text me when he lands and is safe and we will talk everyday at least once but that helps but it doesn't help tons. I know that I am frustrating him tons and he is super supportive but there isn't much he can do and I don't really know if anyone can do anything.
I called my employee program about seeing a therapist...I don't want to go back on pills though...my other anxiety is ok just this...and I want my body to be clean right now cause I would like to get pregnant in a couple months.
Adivan helps but it makes me feel so groggy that I won't be able to concentrate at work...and then will feel like I am hung over the next day.
I drink milk a lot when he is gone...try to at least keep my stomach coated. I feel like I am going to puke right now and he is still home.
I live in Canada...in Alberta.
Hi Cindy (nice to officially meet you)
Alberta wow! Maybe you can see my BF, he will be performing in Alberta! He's in Canada for 22 days. He will be in Edmonton, Banff, Calgary, Lethbridge, Fort McMurray....early March. They are making their way across the whole Country ending up in Toronto on March 15th.
I feel your pain so much, cause I have the SAME EXACT thing. I want to take off of work, I cant do much of anything. can't eat. Mind is racing. Heart pounding. I work in NYC, Im a TV Producer. I do have my own office so thats cool -I can cry, call mom, freak out...lol. But my commute to work is 1.5 hours so it's like if I even want to get home I can't cause it takes 2 hours door to door - so that makes it worse. Feels like I am trapped.
I too am prob driving my BF crazy too. Im like please call when you land, text, skype. I just need constant communication, thats the only way I can breathe but unfortunately i can't and that Sucks. He has been great and we've been in contact a bunch since he landed but I got 21 more days of this crappy feeling. UGGH!!
As for pills I only do unisom- I do like a half of a half and I am still GROGGY as hell the next day. I am trying to keep all my days filled or just go home watch tv, drink tea and take a unisom.
Just think you are 10 days - it could be 22. Just say to yourself at least I am not Jessica...lol...I know it doesnt make it easier....again just trying to find the humor.
And also like I said maybe we can lose some weight since we will be consistently nasesous.
Seriously though, I dont know how I am going to cope - this is bad. I mean I have a therapist, I see her 2x a month and she guides me through it but I need like a 24 hour person with me cause thats how vunerable I feel. It's crazyness.
Jessie....you said your BF plays music?
I take the bus to work so about an hour (though today was 1.5 hours) from door to door.
I have been to New York once...actually when my fiance was travelling..went and saw him cause cheap flight ($200 total)...flights right now for me to see him would be about $1400-1600....so can't do that.
My mom and my friends here from my all the time...I feel bad for them.
My fiance is super supportive but what else can he do? I feel like I should be institutionalized. My fiance will text me whenever he lands even at connecting places. But he can't call or talk to me much during the day cause we are both working.
I tried one of the unisom gels last night...seemed to help me sleep a bit. Didn't feel gross today. I drink sleepytime tea from celestial seasonings.
Concentrating at work is the worse...does your boss or co-workers know about your problems? My old boss did but only cause I broke down in January. I work for a different person now but same company. I don't know if I should tell him or not cause I don't want to be treated differently. I wish I could sleep for the whole time.
I can't imagine 22 days...I am sorry but I can't...I wouldn't be able to do it. I am already having a breakdown right now.
Do you have email? I have a hotmail account that we could talk through if you would rather...though this does work also cause I get the notifications when you reply at least. Not sure I would want to publically put my email address down here anyhow so I guess that is a silly idea.
I have a psychiatrist who thinks that I am hyper sensitive and that he can't do anything for me. I tried hypnotherapy once but it did nothing. I don't know how I am going to do this either. I feel a huge breakdown coming. I can't even drive him to the airport cause he won't let me cause it is snowing so bad and he would worry too much about me getting home safe.
Temporary things work as distractions. I know the first day will be the worse. But last time he was gone 10 days...though I knew I got to see him after 5...and I still cried everyday.
I do have personal email or Facebook too. Which ever works for you.
I have not told anyone at work. Just trying to keep a low profile. But same here , I just want to go home and crawl into bed. And it's annoying for me cause whenever I tell people they are like - oh this is a good thing, you will be fine, time flies, this will be great! and im like WTF are you talking about. Day 1 - I feel like an nervous wreck how the hell can I do 21 more days like this w/o being in a coma!! I am really scared I wont make it through without losing it or lots of unisom. Neither good.
But im gonna try and stay positive...I know we can do this!! We have no choice right?We can just be in constant communication while they are away. Lol.
I wish that I could tell people at work....I wish that I could tell my boss....just so he would know why I feel so sick and stressed.
I do dislike the people who say that you are fine and that get over it basically approach.
I am super scared also yet what do I have to be scared about? That is just silly. I can take care of myself and survive on my own yet I am freakin scared right now. I feel like I am going to have a complete breakdown at any moment.
I don't think that I would want to post an e-mail address in a public location where others can see it but talking privately would be nicer...though I understand if you don't want to post your e-mail address either.
I am guessing it is almost home time for you since around 5 pm where you are.
Yeah if I knew how to delete on here I would post. I have facebook also. Do you know how to search on facebook? Search for the group "Anxiety Today" and you will see a thread I started on this issue....maybe that will work...just hit reply to me and then I would get a notification that way and we could talk.
Good luck with night #1.
I just booked a phone therapy session but it is for next wednesday when he gets back. I just talked to a crisis therapist on the phone for 30 minutes and it is all the distraction and self-talk stuff. They want a naturopathic person to contact me at some point also in a couple days.
I just was crying so much that I threw up a bit.
Jessie,
reading these stories make me laugh...because they're so recognizable. I am a guy, late 20's, own a successful consulting business, have many friends, doing well, etc. I recognize what you say about childhood...same thing with my parents. They'd leave and I'd automatically assume that I would never see them again..a tragic accident, kidnapping, murder, etc. The feeling...well, you described it best. Pain in stomach, utter desperation, pure panic, no apparent way out, it's a paralyzing fear.
Now, same as you guys, a successful spouse, she travels and lives abroad for months at a time. It's gotten worse for me. Childhood symptoms returning with a vengeance!
I need constant confirmation that she's alive or else I assume the worst. It's not as if I fear that she is cheating or otherwise breaking my trust. We have a great relationship and we trust eachother wholeheartedly. But it's a deeper fear, the fear of something aweful-God forbid- rape, an accident, murder, or just simply a mysterious disappearance. The fear got so when she recently left on a 3 months (yes 3 MONTHS) trip that I wasn't able to sleep, had a total nervous breakdown and wasn't able to face family, friends, clients, employees, etc. My personal life is suffering (my health is deterioating, I don't eat ,I don't sleep, I leave the house in the middle of the night for long, unnecessary walks just to calm down...) my business is suffering, as I am no longer able (physically and mentally) to even show up at the office or even open my laptop at home. I live and die by her emails or text messages but even after a short relief of a few seconds or minutes or max maybe an hour or two...the feeling of dread, of impending doom (something horrible MUST have happened) reappears and it starts all over again.
I try to behave and keep it to myself. Afterall, I am a guy and am expected to remain tough at all times. But two weeks into her being gone I went to see a shrink who put me on a heavy dose of anti anxiety meds...they didn't work. Cognitive therapy..didn't work. Friends...fam...don't want to see them or talk about it with them which is hard because they see me deteriorate fast.
She's far away, there's an 8 hour time difference between us and she's very busy so we don't get to talk a lot. It actually feels as if I am not getting any oxygen at these times, only a text or an email or any other confirmation that she's living provides a brief load of oxygen for me to get by on.
I stay rational. I understand that the fear is irrational and unnecessary. When we're together, everything's fine and normal. When we're not...well...
As for me, I finally caved in, took a long vacation to be by her side and try to do as much work as I can to stay productive. It's hard because I need to be at home, I need to meet with clients there and have a business (including 18 employees) to run...but now I just can't. In the long run, however, I need to find a solution because I don't feel I can handle another separation (longer than 24-48 hrs).
Guess I will read up on the subject a little more and try to find a better therapist...I am interested in finding out what causes this, especially in relatively young, healthy and successful people who have never actually lost anyone in their lives or were ever abandoned...I will be back here to check on updates and wish you all the best for now.
Steve
Steve - I wouldn't give up on the anxiety meds just yet...it takes many different ones to try and they all have different side effects. Firstly you can take long term ones or just take some when you need them. I have taken sleeping pills also. You do what you have to do. I get into a routine when my partner is gone and I am always on the phone with friends just to keep myself busy. It is hard to make plans but it does work...but it is so hard to actually make the plans since I just want to be at home. It is hard to fake being happy at work also. The text msesages are so helpful...they really do keep me going. I arrange times so that I can talk to him in the morning...have even gotten up super early just to talk to him for 5 minutes...and then we talk every night. And sometimes we use a webcam so you can actually see the person...that helps at times. But I take it a few hours at a time...I go from one phone call to a text to another phone call. I do a lot of relaxation stuff at night to help me sleep...I even listen to our song right before bed sometimes. I think therapy can help some people but I haven't felt it has helped me either. I try to avoid caffeine or drink very little when I feel anxiety coming on. I try to make sure to drink milk when my stomach is so upset that I can't eat.
Hi, thanks for your reply.
Yeah I know the meds should not be put away, but still, we have to wonder about what causes this in us...one of the first posts mentions someone who lost his wife to cancer and he recovered from it relatively fast. So what is it that scares us? The worst thing that can happen, I suppose, is someone dying. But isn't the fear of that worse than the actual event itself? I don't know. But I do know that it can't be the case that all of us need our partners like we need oxygen or food, and that we die, get physically ill, if they are not around. What drives us to the point that we derive our own well being by having another person around? Why are we not able to rationalize and see things in proportion? These are questions I will discuss with my (new) therapist next week but I wonder what you guys think of this...if we analyze our fears, really look deep down inside ourselves...how would we best describe it? Anyone wants to attempt a guess at its possible cause? Is it really connected to the partners, or is it connected somehow with something thats rooted deeply in ourselves? Love to hear your thoughts.
Steve
just so that you all know, this is universal ...I write from India. I am 37 single lady...living with my mother...no guesses why.
I'm tired of self - analysing, being preached to....
. Bottom line: I want to get married but.......so glad to have found this site. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!...WHO...feels like 3 years old.
Hi Steve and everyone else on this site:
It is such a relief to hear other people talking about something that I never discussed with anyone! I just thought I was silly and kept it to myself until now, 27 years later. I had the same irrational fear that felt so REAL when I was young, living with my parents. They would go out grocery shopping, it would start getting dark, and I would start freaking out in my head, thinking they got in a car crash and died. When they did get home I would be relieved, but also a little angry that they stayed out so late, and didn't come home sooner. And now, it still exists with my boyfriend. He is a musician and out-going type, and even when he goes out to promote a party late at night I wish he didn't have to go, and would just stay at home. I thought I was a just a homebody and he was not, and that idealy maybe I should be dating/living with a homebody type person, and not a party-outgoing guy. Now, after being in therapy for many years, I have a lot of anger that is surfacing. I cry a lot less, but get angry that he goes out. I try and talk to people on the phone and hang out with my girl friends, but sometimes I feel fake, like I'm only doing it because he is not around...and I am not treating these people like real people, and only using them to fill up the spaces when he is gone/busy. That makes me feel bad. I just watch TV all the time, and I feel like it is rotting my brain. I also had a time in my life where I ran from guy to guy, and felt like I was falling apart when they didn't call me back, so it helped having more than one...so I would have a higher chance of getting a response...but that didn't work so well...because I picked the type of people who don't call for for days anyways. It was such a mess---I was such a mess. Sometimes I still think of having another guy to fill up the spaces where I miss my boyfriend's love and attention...does anyone else get this? I am not proud of this, very ashamed, but i reach this state of compulsion out of desperate need of love and attention.
OMG.. I cant believe that there are people out there that feel the same way that I do. I have had this feeling since my first relationship, its like I cant ever get enough of the person and when they are away from me I dont want to do anything but count down until they return. My boyfriend is a paramedic and works 24 hour shifts. This is the hardest for me to deal with and when I call him and he doesnt respond I have panic attacks and feel that he doesnt love me anymore and wants someone else. When he gets up to go to work, I feel like he is abandoning me and that there is a chance that he might not come back. It is hard for me to do anything that doesnt involve him. I try, but I only feel comforted when he is around. I do anything I can for him not be to get mad at me because the thought of us not be together is more than i can handle. He tells me all of the time that i worry too much but I know its more than worry and I need to find out how to deal with this weight thats on my shoulder.
I'm so glad I found this site. I thought I was going crazy.. I do not recall feeling separation anxiety as a child, nor any triggers that would cause these feelings as an adult. I have a great job, friends and family. I only seem to feel the anxiety with my significant others. I've felt the anxiety in every relationship I've had. Currently, my relationship of 4 years is ending. Neither one of us have been happy for the last 3 of those. I have pushed for this relationship to end, and now that it is, I am freaking out! Several times in the past, I have tried to end the relationship, but always changed my mind. The big difference this time is that he wants to end it as well. So...we both agree it's the best thing. Why am I freaking out?? Because it's actually going to happen this time? I can't stop crying and can't function. I have been clinging to him, sending text msgs constantly and having panicky anxiety attacks if he doesn't respond immediately. He doesn't understand why I'm acting this way. What can I do in the moment to get past this? I am going on anti-anxiety medicine, but it takes 4 weeks or so. I need to function and this is all I can think about. I know reaching out to him is not the answer, but I keep doing it and getting rejected, which makes me feel worse. What makes it harder, is that he's still living with me through the end of the month. How do I stop crying and get a grip???
When I was a child I had severe separation anxiety from my mother.... all through prescool i would cry and cry when she left as I got older I was better able to cope with going to school... but was not able to spend the night at a friends house until I was 14 years old and the only place I was able to stay until then with out my mother was at my grandparents house... Slowly over time I began to expeirence more things and hang out with more friends I went through a period of anxiety over being away from friends, and I met my Fiance when I was 18 and we have been together since then I have anxiety over being away from him now... I first realized this when I made a trip with 2 of my best friends to Florida to see our other best friend and I left 10 hours after arriveing because I was having a panic attack over being away from my Fiance and not my mother... I have been transferring my separation anxiety onto others instead of being able to get over it... how do I get over it>?
I'm 44, the woman that I'm seeing is 38. We're deeply in love with each other, had this sort of instant connection as soon as we met 3 years ago, but for some reason I have this separation anxiety. I've always thought of myself as a pretty independant guy, but when we're apart it just drives me insane. We stay in almost constant contact through phone and messaging.
She travels occasionally for business, and that's when it's the worst. It's never more than a few days at a time, maybe 8 or 10 times a year. This is not your average business woman here, she is sophisticated and strikingly beautiful. She is also a powerful lady in a male dominated industry, and on business trips, it's not unusual for her to be out until 2am having drinks with other men. This is a part of her job, and I know she's not doing anything inappropriate, although it sure does feel like it when I'm in bed worried sick about her and she's out having fun without a care in the world. That's the worst part, but I obsess over her plane crashing, taxi crashing, guys hitting on her, getting sick, getting hurt, everything you can imagine. I can't sleep until I know she's safely in bed, even if that has me up until 5am when she's on the west coast.
Right now she has a 1 night trip next week, and I'm already getting sick to my stomach over it. The sense of impending doom is suffocating, and I struggle to control myself and appear normal. I'd much rather be kicked in the groin every 15 minutes.
The travel thing is so bad, I've come to associate very negative feelings with anything that even reminds me of her travels. Cities, airlines, you name it. Even seeing an airplane in the sky brings up a negative feeling.
She knows the travel thing bothers me, and she tries to be understanding, but this is my problem. I just don't know where the switch is to turn this anxiety off.
Well, this is interesting.
I am 57.
I stayed with a husband for 28 years because basically I knew he would never leave me. I mean I loved him for the early parts of our marriage, but then things got bad between us, I chose companionship and physical presence over making a change that would allow us both to find real love.
So now I am remarried to a man who I love and who loves me. And I see clearly my own separation anxiety. I am an artist and it's crucial I get over this, as I need to spend time alone. He travels for work and to spend a month in anxiety mode is a complete waste of my life.
So what is my solution? Meditation helps: understanding that my fears are only stories made up in my mind, and that the only thing anxiety does is make me feel bad—it has no pragmatice usefulness.
And also getting to work: marching myself to the painting studio and beginning to focus, calling friends who are interested in the same work, having some respect for myself, and talking to myself.
The thing is this: the mind is active, so some activity has to replace all those fears and needy thoughts. Something active like another conversation or useful work or self-disciplined mental excercise like meditation.
At 32 I thought this would just go away. At 57 I tell myself time to grow up, no matter what anxiety my (alcoholic) mother left me with, time to be an adult,
and spending time with myself has actually become a wonderful thing: I used to be debilitated with anxiety, now I think of a month living alone as a gift, where I can work in peace and visit with my women friends. Like having two wonderful lives, one of silence and space and another with a husband I love.
I also had to make this change because I love him, and I know its so unfair to act like a child around him. He has very little idea of my struggles with anxiety. This is my problem and he is so generous and present when he is at home, I want both of us to enjoy that connection, instead of asking him to be the mother to my needy inner three year old.
thanks for all the posts,
Life really is incredible when you are at peace within yourself
And it really is possible with a bit of work and self discipline.
And I say this as someone who knows how much work it takes
and how also worth it it is.
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Hi Joseph.
I don't know what to say to comfort you but I am going through the same thing. I am 36, just got married and my separtion anxiety from my mother has just recently intensified. I have always had it but I suppose it has recently gained strength because my father recently passed away and things seem totally upside down. I need to be a strong husband but I feel as if I'm struggling with these issues. Again, I don't know how to console you but just hope that you feel comfort that you are not alone. I will let you know if I can come up with any good ideas. Best of luck and God Bless.
Thanks for that Scott,
What i found out when i got married,although i did'nt realise straight away,that my separation anxiety changed from my mother to my wife.Although my mother is still alive,i just know i can handel it when the time comes for her to go.As i say,it all revolves around my wife and there seems to be so many different triggers that can start an episode of anxiety, usually lasting for days at a time.I don't think my anxiety is as bad as it use to be but it's certainly bad enough to stop me functioning proprerly,you probably know,can't eat,can't work etc.
I will say one thing about this anxiety,although mine's more or less as bad as always,that's because i'm with my wife,but she' my second wife. I was married the first time for 32 years and my anxiety with her was as bad as ever.Then 5 years ago she developed cancer,well i'm sure you can imagine how i was.i coud'nt work,i was in the middle of building a house for the two of us.I had to sell as it was.Any way when she eventually died my anxiety lifted and i was back at work two days later much to my amazement.All i can think that happened was, anxiety is the fear of something that might happen so when it does there's nothing to be anxious about.Maybe that's what'll happen to you.
Hope everything turns out ok for you.
All the best.Joseph
Hi,
I am a 40 year old woman and mother of three. I have had terrible seperation anxiety every since I got married. The thought of my husband having to travel for work is more then I can bear and if he ever does I am unable to function. It is a very difficult to deal with because most people don't understand.
Christine
Hi Chrisitne,
Sorry to hear that you suffer from the same thing as me,but i'm surprised that you've only had it from when you got married.I can only speak for myself but this sort of thing usually starts from way back when you were a child,normally to do with your mother,that does'nt mean to say she's done anything wrong,not purposely anyway.I wish i could give you some advice or help someway,but if you have'nt already,get yourself to the doc's and he'll probably refer you to a phsycologist or similar.or may even give you some medication to get you through the bads times.
Having said that i'm always on the look out for some help or tips myself,so if you hear of anything let me know.
Nice to hear from you,hope things go well.
Joseph.
I actually did suffer from it as a child but in my teens and early twenties it seemed to go away. I take Lexapro and klonopin for depression and anxiety but it doesn't seem to help with the seperation anxiety.Thanks for getting back to me and hope all goes well for you.
Christine
I suffered from some anxiety as a child but it seems to have worsened as I got older. It is really hard for me to think of my fiance travelling but unfortunetely he does. I am unable to focus on stuff when he is away. People say to be less dependant on him but I don't feel that I am. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breathe. I cry and I feel worried and alone. I know the feelings are irrationale but I can't help them. I wish there was something that I could do. I have been on depression and anxiety meds but have been able to deal with most things. Now the problem is situational and only happens when he travels. I even get sick at times when he is gone. I feel that people don't understand.