Preparing for holidays usually runs along the lines of shopping, cooking, cleaning, and making sure any fancy outfits do not need ironing. For me, prepping for the holidays means being very clear on where I am standing emotionally.
I am still not a big fan of holidays due to the "prep" required by me, but I no longer dislike them intensely. And interestingly, it is the day before the holiday that catches me up the most now, not the actual holiday itself. Lastly, I am actually beginning to enjoy holidays. Never thought I would ever say that!
Growing up, the major holidays (major meaning a family gathering/marked on the calendar) were approximately seven days out of the year: Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I was excessively uncomfortable with any amount of attention either directed toward me or anywhere in my near vicinity. I tried very hard not to be noticed, and attempted to blend into the wall. I did not enjoy being social with family. I did not enjoy being social with friends. I just did what I thought I was supposed to do: shut up, hold my breath, look casual, and then relax on the drive home.
As I got older, I began to notice how my mom got through these social occasions when entertaining in her own home: she would be the hostess who never sat down. Most of the day for her was in the kitchen. "Oh, I'm all set in here-go enjoy the time in the living room" she would say cheerfully with a wave of her hand. HA! She was hiding, and she was hoarding the only reasonable excuse not to participate.
Following my mom's example, I then began to take on the task of serving the beverages and went around the room refilling drinks and taking orders; when all glasses were full and this option was gone, I began to refill the appetizer trays placed on the coffee table. "What a helper," I would hear. HA! I was trying to get in on what my mom was doing. Walking out of the crowd and into the quiet kitchen with only my mom was a breath of relief compared to the hotbed of conversation out there in the living room.
I simply did not know what it meant to relax and enjoy the company of another. I was cautious, on-guard, ready to run, ready to crawl out of my skin and under my covers.
As a teen and into my twenties, I continued on in my mode of "helping and assisting" to get out of "socializing." By all appearances, I may have looked just fine. Inside, I was a wreck.
My anxiety around the holidays may be different from others' experiences. My general anxiety was always in play year round; it was only on the major holidays that I would tune out and disassociate completely. I do not have many memories of holidays, never mind happy ones.
Today, for example, with the next holiday less than 8 hours away, I can feel that I am more jumpy than usual. I need to talk myself through such feelings, give them their due, and then focus on the reality in front of me before it escapes my full grasp.
