Understanding and Overcoming Resentment

I was angry at myself for putting myself in a situation that was not at all comfortable to me. I was doing something that was good for another, but not good for me. I let myself get caught in the idea that if I give someone what they want, then somehow I too will get what I want from them (i.e., love, friendship, thinking that I am more cool than I am a dork.)

Ignoring the facts does not change the facts. I am who I am. What matters is what I think of me. If I compromise who I really am, who is the real dork in this scenario?

I allowed myself to do what I did for what I desired to be the truth, not for what was the truth. Anyone else been there? The end result of this "resentment" lesson was to remember to listen to my feelings rising up inside me. If I ignore them, I ignore the real me. And that is what I did for almost thirty years. Although this was a close call, at least I can share that it was a close call, not a complete and full-blown trigger had I acted. I still get a little scared, to be honest, when I feel resentment. It means I haven't been paying attention.

Also, by acknowledging my feelings (even though I really did not want to) I maintained my morality and integrity. I have such a capacity to ignore what I know to be true and this is one of the long tracks rutted in my psyche.

It still frightens me to know how close I can actually come to defaulting. If I can maintain my knowledge of triggers, I can protect myself from what I already know (even though I will still try to work around what I know I already know). Working hard to stay cognizant and honest with friends (by sharing what occurred and receiving a good natured "eye roll" and some straight talk) and my therapist is what enables me to get the support I require to stay well - and not revert.