I, too, Kimberly apprecriate you candor and commend your courage in your attempt to recover and progress. My family(s) stories are a bit different in that both my mom and dad (since deceased) and my mother-in-law not only planted the seeds of my mania and anxiety, but my mother in law continues to deny everything to everyone else in the family - remarking that my somewhat unusual behaviors are merely excuses. She will read a newspaper article or watch an Oprah-type program, call me immediately and ask my if "that's what I have?" While my response is generally to the positive she can come from left field on some issues.
I have a Masters of Fine Arts with a concentration in conducting and musicology. In addition to that I am a pretty good amateur golfer and hold a BA in vocal pedagogy. My father insisted that I could be the first opera star who played golf in the off season, which is absolutely impossible, and hence I proved a failure in their eyes. Because conducting and musicology are my loves, I continued to study what I wanted to but was reminded that they really would rather brag about my golf or vocal performance instead of waving my arms in from of an orchestra with my back to an audience. It was actually their gratification that was at the center of the controversy. Because of my husband's job, we were forced to relocate halfway across the country; the telephone kept us in touch but we really had no idea of what was being said about me to others. When my mother died my father locked me out of the house and was told that the family had been informed that I had been institutionalized (hence the move) because of my crazy behavior. This was clearly evident when, at my mother's funeral; the entire family was amazed that they "let me out" to come to the funeral activities. I tried to tell cousins etc. the truth but no one believed me. In actuality I was being seen by a psychiatrist and therapist but certainly had no need to be hospitalized.
Because of financial troubles and my mother in law's age (85 going on 40) we moved back to the Midwest and were invited to live with her until we got back on our feet. I (but not my husband) was thrown out of her house and told not to return. We made amends, although no apology or mention of that activity is ever mentioned because "we are not supposed to upset or contradict her." Later, when my sister-in-law faced identity theft, I was blamed for no reason at all except my married name and her maiden name were the same and she never bothered to change it on any credit or loan accounts three years after her marriage. I was called a thief, felon and everything else in the book and, once again, thrown out of her house, this time with no possibility of reconciliation. She calls me daily for answers to her problems and wants to know what is going on my life. The antitheses of of these actions only contribute to situations that thow me into confusion, anxiety and mistrust that is uncontrollable without medication. We are back on our feet, barely, and this woman continues to stress me in ways that have been diagnosed as frontal lobe seizures and her behavior exacerbates the bipolar condition, not to mention the anxiety at the mere possibility of meeting her face-to-face, even though I am once again allowed in her home. I look at it as having been thrown of of my home three times, and a vacillation of behavior on her part is overwhelming. Just as I was learning to deal with my own trials, my progress is continually undermined by my reaction to her actions. So now it is my husband and I against the world in a community that equates mental illness with crazy whose treatment is nothing but pill popping and sloth. I am sad about this but to function and live a normal live is continually undermined by, now, in-law siblings, their grown children and half the town. Wish me and mom luck. Thank you.
- MK
I continue to take medication (currently citalopram, klonopin, tranxene and lamitcal.
Dear MK,
Thank YOU for sharing. There are many of us who experience what we happen to be experiencing. Having our families undermine what we know to be true is extremely difficult. Keeping our footing well within the reality of wellness requires tremendous commitment and having our efforts judged or "taunted" creates confusion within us, especially when we try to have any type of relations with them. How does one successfully engage in a relationship with there is a wall of denial or a mask of our own truth necessitated in order to create for the other a sense of "comfort" with whom they believe we actually are?
I do wish you continued strength in the face of your family situation. I am glad you have the support of your husband. Not being able to engage with our own families with honesty is heartbreaking. When we as individuals need to disconnect with our families due to denial, I find this choice extremely overwhelming.
Thank you again for expressing the sadness as well as the confusion aspect when faced with this type of situation.
I do wish you well and hope that others may also share their options and choices and how they came to find the best answers for themselves.
Best,
Kimberly Tyler
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Hi Kimberly,
First of all I'd like to say thank you for all of the deeply personal experiences that you have shared on this & the depression connection. I have read all of your posts. I find great comfort in the connection that I have with others on these sights.
This particular post resonated very deeply for me. I was raped shortly before I turned 16. I was living in a small Canadian village in Nova Scotia at the time with my father & my stepmother. Upon telling my father what had happened I got a reaction that to this day I think troubles me more than the attack itself. I guess I had expected anger, maybe sympathy. I'm not sure really. What I got was a direct order to make sure my grandmother (his mother) did not find out. Not another word has been spoken about it since in almost 16 years. I have struggled more with my feelings about my father's reaction than anything.
I don't know how I would feel were I in your shoes with a reaction so long after the fact. The embittered part of me wants to tell you, screw them, you've gotta do what's best for you at this point & to hell with what the feel. A more rational & compassionate part of me rejoices for you & feels you should embrace their new understanding & take them along on your healing journey, but how do you catch them up when they are so far behind you?
I guess in my inexpert opinion I would suggest explaining to them how you have already dealt with the other family members involved & leave them to deal with that path in their own time & way. Perhaps you might also consider family therapy sessions if you are comfortable with that. Do you know what prompted this new desire to be involved & acknowledge your struggle?
I hope that this whole situation turns out to be a positive step in your healing & in your relationship with your parents. Blessings to you & yours. Thank you for being you.
Sincerely,
Danielle
Dear Danielle,
Thank you so very much for responding. And thank you for sharing your own personal experience regarding responses by family and how such responses can impact another--either positively or negatively--as we do our best to discover what a sense of healthy well-being means to each of us personally.
Trying to make sense of a family member's response (if it is either negative or non-supportive) to any type of atrocity committed is extraordinarily difficult to comprehend and take in. I know that for me (like you) I have struggled with the reaction by family. For me, the concept that if such actions do not hit the radar for my family, then either I must be the one who is taking it too seriously, or that I must be too sensitive (their words, not mine). It took a long time for me in therapy to accept their non-acceptance of how such act(s) can impact one's life and health and well-being. And furthermore, that it is serious and matters.
It has taken two days of being back in my own apartment to take in all of what occurred (or rather, what did not occur) while with family for four days in person. I am only now truly admitting to my sadness regarding this situation.
My understanding--at this point anyway--is that whatever created the opening of the new doors to this topic is already closing. No one in my immediate family wants to talk about it, knows what to do, nor make an attempt to be in discovery. I do not believe it was my parents who opened the door--I think they may be reacting to the door that was opened by another family member.
My immediate family is waiting on me to "moderate" a family (and extended family) discussion. I told my parents before I left (I brought up the "new" topic shortly before I left as no one else had prior) and that if they do desire to move forward with all of this, I will be as involved as they want me to be. I do feel they are relying on me to bring all of this to a place of closure. What I do not think they realize is that they too will need to participate in emotions that are difficult to discuss.
I am not in the same state as my family, so family therapy together is not an option (although I thank you for the suggestion). Who is to say though, perhaps this may occur in the future if they are open to it. I would fly up to where they live for this to happen... but at this juncture, I appear to be the only one with ideas or thoughts for "healing" to occur within my own family as well as extended family. I do believe, deep down, that this topic is still too painful for discussion for my family.
I desire to stay open thus far. I do want this to be an opportunity for healing. I also realize I can not be the only one who is willing to go to difficult feelings and emotions. I do not know what time will bring for my own family or extended family. I do feel like I am tearing at the seams of old emotions I thought I was beyond. Given that it was my parents would brought all of this up to me just two weeks ago, I thought my family was ready to discuss it, but I was mistaken. I still need additional time for reflection for fully comprehending where they are really standing on this issue.
I will keep you posted as time moves on. In the meantime, I sincerely thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a lot.
Best,
Kimberly Tyler
You are more than welcome Kimberly. I want you to know that my prayers & thoughts are w/ you.
Best of luck,
Danielle