For the past month, my physical health has been greatly influencing my mental health. I have ovarian cysts that rupture. About every two years, I experience two or three in a row that rupture and this creates an excess of progesterone in my system. Perhaps I could say a flood of progesterone in my system...

Progesterone is a naturally occurring hormone that is released into the body in higher levels during the last two weeks of a woman's menstrual cycle. Too much progesterone is known to cause depression; and, alternatively, too much estrogen is known to cause irritability. For many women, the monthly rise and fall of hormones shows up as PMS.

I happen to be one of those women out there that is very sensitive to hormones (both the naturally occurring kind as well as any type of synthetic hormonal substitute). I have both endometriosis as well as a condition where my ovaries create cysts that rupture. I do not meet the full list of criteria for a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) although my body does create excess ovarian cysts that burst. While initially painful, the more lasting result is the excess of progesterone in my body due to the cysts as well as a feeling of "toxicity." I drink a lot of water in an effort to flush out my system.

For the last month, I have been in a pronounced depressive state. My motivation is low. My moods are all over the place. My patience is leaving, and my need for bottom-line information for what someone wants or needs from me is very high. I do need to give myself extra time for sleep (as I am unable to tolerate painkillers, and sleep means time for healing due to increased pain levels) but I also know the difference between what I call "pain sleep" and "depression sleep." The need for "depression sleep" is calling louder to me than "pain sleep" and this is my red flag. I would really like to just stay in bed rather than struggle so hard.

I have spoken to my therapist about this as well as my ob/oncologist. There may be a blood test next week to check my hormone levels. There is also an ultrasound scheduled as there is a third cyst growing and may need drainage before it can rupture too.

My anxiety is increasing now too because my brain is having trouble focusing, and it takes three times as long to get anything accomplished. I have been canceling out on social activities just to keep pace with life responsibilities. I do not want this to be happening. Such physical issues influencing my mental health issues are maddening.

One aspect of who I am (or was) is starting to show up again, and it is an aspect I do not like: I went through years of being labeled "sick" because of my hormones, the endometriosis, the early stage ovarian cancer and the surgeries I needed at the time. This was the time period of when my complete disability began. I am reminded of how my life used to be--everything about me was sketchy due to health concerns, but the most troublesome issue was my inability to participate in both work and social activities. My regular abilities (or rather, I should say what I have grown accustomed to in recovery) are now on hiatus. It takes a hurricane of energy to clean my dishes or to make it to an appointment on time. I know it is so easy to slide right back to the mindset of where I used to be and what I thought of myself (wasted space/a body riding out its needs/useful to no one).