Anxiety and the Workplace

I did not stay long with any one job, but kept moving to different cities and states to change jobs and take on jobs that required only a one year commitment (or less).

Consequences of Denial

This manner of living, of course, was no solution.  All the stress and pressure I placed upon myself to hide my anxiety and depression manifested itself physically.  In addition to the panic attacks (a few minutes of racing heart rate, shaking, nausea and terror where I would hide in the ladies room until it passed) as well as the longer lasting form of anxiety attacks (longer episodes of the same physical manifestations but where I would need to take a walk to calm down to stop crying), I was also diagnosed with a form of paroxysmal tachycardia (rapid heart rate).  This diagnosis was the first to side-line me from work for days as my heart rate would rapidly increase and decrease and I could not stand up without fainting. 

Nevertheless, I kept pushing myself.  Within another year I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I was fortunate the cancer was caught early; however, after the initial surgery, I required several more surgeries for the cancer and the discovery of endometriosis.  This then led to body-wide fibromyalgia. 

The hiding was over and I lost my first "office job."  I was unable to work for several years due to the additional surgeries, medications, chronic pain, and my emotional breakdown regarding my undiagnosed PTSD.  (I am not saying this is what will happen if a person continues to force their bodies to move forward without looking at the underlying emotional and mental health issues; this is just what it looked like for me.)  I do honestly believe the stress I put on myself to "suck it up" and put on a false front took years from my life never mind the havoc it had on my body.

Health and Solutions

Once I got into treatment and understood the mental health issues of anxiety, depression and PTSD, I set to work on wellness (medication, therapy, self-care, etc.).  I was really coming along and I finally felt ready to re-enter the job market.  I took out my resume, looked at the classifieds, and by the time I was writing my first cover letter my anxiety had shot up like a rocket.  I was very disappointed in myself. 

After a rapid slide backward, I began to slowly move forward once again and accept my present circumstances.  I needed to acknowledge that I was still in the beginning stages of recovery.  I may have gained enough ground to get back up on the horse (so to speak); I just was not ready to ride the horse around the racetrack.  With much support, rather than quash my initial victories under "overall failure" I was able to take a practical look at the possibilities in front of me.

There were two main concerns to address: social anxiety and schedule flexibility in the workplace.  I would need to slowly incorporate the social/interaction aspect as well as the amount of time I would need for appointments.  There were no job options available based on my health requirements; I would need to create my own.  Although initially daunting, the idea of not being tied to someone else's desk or time clock was enough to motivate me to go for it.