Dismissing Anger, Dismissing Myself

I had become adamant that expressing any type of anger (abuser, family, friends or otherwise) meant I would lose my sense of safety.  All expressions of anger got lumped into one category.  This was why I dismissed anger and rejected it so intensely.  When it popped up into my world anyway, I fought even harder to maintain my sense of safety by trying to pretend it wasn't really there.

Such a strident take on anger prevented any true feelings or emotions to come forth.  By radically dismissing anger, I dismissed myself in the process: I put my sense of self on the sidelines in deference to safety.  With what I know now, if I push away anger or relegate it to the back seat of importance, then I am relegating myself to the back seat of importance as well. 

Changing up deeply held beliefs takes time.  It can be a winding process to untangle it all, but when the ah-ha moments arrive, it is so worth it.  I am still not entirely comfortable with anger, and the desire is still there to push it away.  But the longer I go without addressing it, the longer I go without addressing my true feelings and what is real for me.