I was a caregiver for 26 years to my ex-husband. He has a seizure disorder and over the past 7 years has developed a psychological disorder in which he is convinced he is suffering from a multitude of conditions- heart attack, broken sternum, broken jaw, or paralysis from the waist down. These events would usually play out late at night and result in an ambulance ride to the e.r.

In addition to physical issues, I also dealt with his continual lack of responsibility to manage the things he could do to take care of himself- hygiene, eating right, taking his daily medication. He is a chronic liar, emotionally and mentally abusive, and a world class manipulator.

I  chose to end the marriage in 2007. My guilt and sense of responsibility for his wellbeing kept me in it a lot longer than I should have been. That first year a part from him was tremendously stressful. He played on that stress and guilt until I remarried. We recently moved to another community, but my husband who is a bus driver, sees him on occasion. The man has survived without me, but he has settled into a life of drugs and alcohol. Our children are ashamed of him, are tired of being used by him (asking for money), and have cut him off.

At age 19, when we met, I already had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and slid right into my role of caregiver. When our children came (3 of them), I took responsibility for our family and with the help of every resource we were qualified for, I kept a rough over our heads and food in the cupboards

My mother (85) tore her rotator cuff a couple of years ago and asked me to drive her until it healed.  Well, I didn't realize at the time that rotator cuffs don't heal on their own, and by the time I figured out that, the shoulder muscles had atrophied to the point where surgery could no longer be done.  So, I steeled myself to start driving her.  I live about 8 miles away and it takes about 20 min to get to her house...and a lot of gas to take her everywhere.  I could deal with that okay.  But she had already broken her hip once.  During that next few months she broke the hip again, fell and broke her back, developed atrial fibrilation and fell causing serious injury several other times.  She must use a walker now and I feel a wheelchair is just around the corner.  So to my driving duties were added housekeeping, taking over her checking account and all her banking, helping her get her estate in order, some aspects of personal care, doing her laundry, listening to her complain about loneliness.  She was lonely for MY company no matter how many other people had come to visit.  She says she will "shrivel up and die" if she doesn't have me around on a regular basis.

July 8 I totally fell apart.  I had stopped taking some of my MI meds, which didn't help.  I was paranoid and wanted nothing more than to lie in bed or watch TV, certainly I could not continue meeting all my mother's expectations.  I probably responded in the wrong way but I was not thinking clearly.  I told her I never wanted to see her or hear from her again. (We've always been friends.)  No gifts, card, letters, holiday partys, or visits.  And I made it clear I was detaching from my entire extended family.

Things ended up with a fight with my sister, who could not resist calling and telling me how selfish I was.  (Selfish?  Where was she when mother needed help?)  I went back to Mother and asked her forgiveness.  She said all she wanted was for me to each lunch with her once a week.  That was all.  No driving, no grocery shopping, no banking, etc.  I agreed that I would "try" it.  Well, you can guess how long that lasted.  I'm pretty much back to full time care but I still feel I need to hibernate in my cave for a while, with no contact.

Even the time I have "off" is not enjoyable because I am reminding myself of what doctor appt is next, whether she can get a ride to church, and so on, plus the fact she is having cognitive problems now.  She can't remember what we have discussed or agreed to.  She just expects me to be there.

I went back to my therapist and she assured me that "everyone has problems, everyone has mommy-issues, you just need to keep telling her over and over what your boundaries are."  Hello?  She can't hear, she can't remember, and expects to keep living the life to which she has become accustomed.  My brother and sister agree they need to do more.  We'll see how that goes.

I am about to explode (or more likely implode) with depression, anger, guilt, exhaustion and don't know what to do.  I used to enjoy being with her, but not anymore.  It used to be satisfying to meet her needs.  Not anymore.

I really feel resigned to this horrible life and don't know what else to do.  Do I just totally detach again till I can recover to a degree where I'm available again?

Jerry Kennard, Health Pro

7/31/12 12:43pm

>> Do I just totally detach again till I can recover to a degree where I'm available again?<<

 

I think you may have to for a while, Donna. These events have reached a point where you feel exhausted, guilty, angry and impotent. Effectively you feel painted into a corner and that's something nobody likes.

 

Clearly, none of us know the ins and outs of your relationship with your mother so the issue as to whether you should totally detach for a time may simply be your frustration coming through. It does however sound as though you've taken on the caregiver role to such an extent there's no longer room for you in the midst of everything.

 

So, when a person like me says yes, go ahead and detach for a while, how does that make you feel? Is it a relief or are you thinking 'yeah right, as if?' Unpicking the emotional from the purely practical is a tricky thing but I wonder if this might be a strategy you'll need to employ? If the upshot of no change is that your own health suffers then so, of course, will the level of care and support you can offer.

Donna-1

7/31/12 5:37pm

I felt really disappointed and even more depressed when my first effort to totally detach was foiled by own reaction to criticism.  It is difficult either way, though.