Today a trauma clinic in Vancouver is discussing "my case" to see whether a reassessment would be to my benefit. I have agreed to this with my Veteran's Affairs Case Manager but I am still quite unnerved by the whole process. It's one of those catch-22 situations: it will be good to talk (detox) about my experiences yet it will be hard. I cry, I feel so sad, I feel so angry and helpless to change the terrible past, the people I couldn't help, the people who died under my watch, the mistakes. Seeing my client in a coffin. Very clearly, it was 13 years ago. Any successes I had are overshadowed, immersed, erased by the mistakes. All of these thoughts and feelings are jockeying for position and strangling my throat so I can barely breathe. I am so scared of being discovered to be just a genetic mistake. That any normal person could have dealt with what I did and come out of it still able to have friends, still able to engage in intimate relations, still able to focus, able to remember, able to work. I have just been declared unable to work in any meaningful capacity, it's not a validation or victory - it is a humiliation. It is difficult to assess this in a compassionate way for myself. I have such high expectations of what I can handle. So I generally fall far short. I judge me so harshly, there is rarely forgiveness, rarely compassion. My personal hygiene suffers, I don't always shower everyday, I do not eat well and I haven't brushed my teeth in weeks. Makeup? Hair style? Forget it. I did go for a walk today with the puppy (he has been my sole motivation) but I managed to do so still in my pajamas. Points for walking I guess. I prefer to be in a cave. Hiding reduces the chance of being hurt, and while I hide I protest against the world by not participating in it, I know though that this only hurts me. My husband feels helpless too, wants to help, loves me. The trouble is, I don't really love myself. I find so little to love. My medication numbs my capacity for joy, yet reduces my "risk of self harm", my thoughts of suicide still compel, still beckon me closer to the edge. Yet for now I am dismally safe. Writing helps, it does. And maybe this clinic can help too. I'll see.
Kelly
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time but glad that you are reaching out for help. It sounds like you have had a very rough experience and I doubt that others would be able to come through without having emotional scars. Don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself time to heal. Hopefully, this new center will be able to offer you some help.
The American Family Physician lists the three parts of treatment for PTSD as education, therapy and medication. It also suggests that family members receive education as well, to help learn what you are going through and how to help you. Possibly the new center has some support programs for both you and your husband.
It is important to stop blaming yourself for the past events. I am sure, if you did make mistakes, they were unintentional and you are not responsible for all that happened. From how much you are suffering, you must be an extremely caring person and you believe you have let other people down. By your own words, you are very hard on yourself. Maybe your therapist can work with you on managing the guilt you feel over this incident.
Please continue to let us know how you are doing. I do care and will be thinking of you.
Eileen
Dear Eileen
You are very kind. Thank you for taking the time to read AND respond. I can hear your compassion and empathy, it feels very nice.
It was very hard work, big caseload, dominated by crises, suicide intervention, trauma work. and one day I just froze. I was in denial for so long about being in trouble. I was co-facilitating a group of people who had lived with so much trauma, and after the session I turned to my colleague and said I can't do it anymore. It was heartbreaking, humiliating. I miss the work so much, I miss the people, their courage, their resilience, people who had no other thought but to help others. And they helped so many, all over the world. I feel like I abandoned them. Upon my return from medical leave I worked in another position, but I still got calls, former clients who asked why can't I talk with them anymore? I felt so much shame, I still do, I feel like an utter failure. While I do appreciate that I can work on my art, and it does help a great deal, it sometimes feels like I'm just bleeding and raw and will never heal. I cannot imagine what peace feels like. But I want to feel it.
All of your suggestions and ideas are all available in Canada as well. My therapist works with me weekly to counter my guilt feelings, my shame, keeping me grounded, challenging my skewed observations. I am just so full of emotional poison. Hundreds of people, all of their stories, their hurts, churning around in my rapidly de-compensating brain. I kinda feel like wreckage.
Then I see the images from Japan, the indescribable devastation. And I feel disgusted for even taking the airspace to write, but I do anyway and I'll keep punishing myself.
This is a good forum, writing is detoxing for me. Take care and thanks again
Kelly
Kelly
Thanks for writing back. It sounds like you had a hard time separating yourself from the problems of others. You cared so very much and took each person's pain yourself in an attempt to relieve them of their pain. What a caring, wonderful person you are! I don't think you have anything to feel guilty or humiliated about. You simply need to find a different outlet to help people without taking on their pain and adding to your own. Art can do that, writing can do that. Think of these as ways to reach out, give people information, love, beauty. This may be the gift you were meant to share with the world. Because it is not the same way you previously did it does not make this way wrong, it makes it different.
Eileen