Fatherhood & anxiety

Morning to all !

What if I would share a bit about what its like for me to be a farther living with anxiety.

My son was born in Dec 1992 and at the time I was quite active in my addiction's (alcool,cocaine,thc,) I had just bought a house in the suburb, my father had recently pass on and I was working on the chain gang (railway).

Now my son was conceive in Venezuela on a ''vacation'' just to put things in perspective, at the time I was hitting the bottle quite hard, me and his mother had never discuss having a child (I would like for you to know her side of the story but thats impossible) so back to me...I will spare you all of what happen between 1992 and 1997 the fact of the matter is that the familly grew apart.

So here is when I assume my fatherhood ''alone'' and to tell you the truth it scared me to the bones, but hey I had made my bed and now was the time to lay in it so for the reader I must put things in context and have to go back to my childhood...easy I had none.

So the beautifull adventure started, he was 4 when me and is mother seperated, as I said I was drinking a lot but new very well that I had a problem, I couldnt go on drinking if I was going to be a responsable father so I was face with that fact, so with the help of my brother (God Bless Him) a few months after the seperation I took a decision wich was to get my ''act'' together'' now understand that for the major part of my adult life till now I was under the influence, wich froze the emotions and much more, emotionally I had stop growing with my addiction.

So there I was a kid in a man's body (now I'm sober) there is no more freezing emotions, Imagine my son was stuck with a father that he himself felt like a kid, talk about anxious I was a wreck emotionnaly but I did my best not to transpire that so my son could feel safe with me.

I had no point of reference for being a father and I grew more and more anxious and Thank God for the professionel's that I was seing, I really needed all the help I could get for the best interest of my dear son.

He is now 15 years old he will be 16 in December today I wouldnt trade my worst day for my best then, me and my son have a most wonderfull relationship...we grew together.

Suffolk