Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Up Close and Personal

By Merely Me Saturday, October 22, 2011

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In a previous post I wrote about some of ways I have attempted to deal with my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For anyone who is battling this disorder, it is no easy feat. Not only is it difficult to deal with, it is also hard to explain to others including friends, family, and even to one’s therapist. This disorder makes me feel-for lack of a better term-“crazy.” PTSD makes me feel things I don’t want to feel and drags me to places in my past that I don’t want to go. It blurs that line between the past and present so that you feel lost with no emotional anchor. Yet how does one explain this so that others will understand? This post is my attempt to describe what this experience is like for me when I have a PTSD episode. I would encourage those of you who also have post-traumatic stress disorder to share your stories. The more we talk about this openly, the more we can bring awareness to the general public. We can do this together.

It is some coincidence that I was just writing about PTSD last week and this week I experienced a full blown episode. PTSD usually begins with some sort of trigger. The thing about PTSD triggers is that they can take you by surprise. Some experts advise to write down all your triggers. The thing is…you cannot possibly know what some of these triggers will be until they happen. This is one of the horrible aspects of PTSD is that a trigger can seemingly come out of the blue without warning. Just when you think you have control and a handle on things, a trigger will remind you that these traumatic memories are still right under the surface.

My recent PTSD trigger was a news story about an owner of exotic animals who killed himself after setting more than fifty of these animals free to roam the community. Bears, lions, tigers, and assorted wild cats were hunted down and killed by the local sheriff and his deputies in order to protect the people who lived near the animal compound. Some news reports showed graphic images of the dead animals lying side by side. As an animal lover, I was horrified by this tragedy. But it was the visuals that did me in emotionally. The pleading of the owner’s wife to not to take her “babies” was also heartbreaking. It was a situation that could have been avoided had authorities stepped in years earlier to prevent this man from hoarding wild animals.

At first I felt upset but it was the sort of upset anyone feels when they hear about a tragic news story. You feel badly but from a distance. But then I heard a response on the news that somehow “it was for the best” for these animals to be killed. Those words triggered a memory I had forgotten and I could feel the episode coming. When I was eleven years old my mother, who suffers from schizophrenia, had a major breakdown. The breakdown didn’t happen over-night. It was brewing for months. She was having both visual and auditory hallucinations. She was so paranoid that she had a knife under her pillow. My mother was neglecting any self-care or care for me. We had very little food in the house and no heat except for a couple of electric heaters. It was winter and it was becoming very cold. We would wear coats to bed and I could see my breath. My mother had stopped cleaning. Mostly she would sleep, talk to herself, and smoke. She was down to smoking butts. It was near Christmas and I put up our artificial tree in our bedroom and decorated it to have some vestige of normalcy.

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Comments (14) | Add comment

Ricovring

10/22/11 9:58pm

Hi MM and all,

I am sad to hear that you still suffer from your childhood trauma. Trauma is a word I rarely encounter, though I'm sure it is a common event for millions every day. The surge of emotions during an episode of substance abuse becomes traumatic for many. The number of ER visits is used to extrapolate the quantity of drugs ingested during a period of time. Those numbers showed the use of more LSD in 1999 than during the 1960's. I am fortunate to have weathered much of the effects of hallucinogens, but there are no doubt triggers that pull at the blurred memories. I never thought of calling the pain that lingers PTSD, but I suppose it applies. A counselor helped me get over some depressive thoughts with Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR). When I read up on EMDR, I found that it is very successful in treating PTSD, and is used widely in the armed services. I definitely recommend EMDR for anyone suffering with PTSD.
Ric

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/24/11 4:47pm

Hello there

I had not known that you had some bad experiences with drugs. I am sure others would be interested in hearing your story.

Judy has talked about EMDR here on our anxiety site...you may be interested in reading the inteview I did with her on this type of therapy.

Thanks so much for your comment!

Ricovring

10/22/11 10:02pm

Hi MM and all,

I am sad to hear that you still suffer from your childhood trauma. Trauma is a word I rarely encounter, though I'm sure it is a common event for millions every day. The surge of emotions during an episode of substance abuse becomes traumatic for many. The number of ER visits is used to extrapolate the quantity of drugs ingested during a period of time. Those numbers showed the use of more LSD in 1999 than during the 1960's. I am fortunate to have weathered much of the effects of hallucinogens, but there are no doubt triggers that pull at the blurred memories. I never thought of calling the pain that lingers PTSD, but I suppose it applies. A counselor helped me get over some depressive thoughts with Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR). When I read up on EMDR, I found that it is very successful in treating PTSD, and used widely in the armed services. I definitely recommend EMDR for anyone suffering with PTSD.
Ric

Judy

10/23/11 1:11pm

Merely Me, I am so sorry you had to go through that experience (and many others) when you were 11 - it brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad you got to clear out some of the grief of that. I totally understand how much that can still affect you today.

During my last decade or so of working, I got triggered almost every day by my boss, who was a control freak and got crazy-angry any time someone did something that she thought was an attempt to cross her. Both of my parents were like that, making me afraid to ever let down my guard. Throw that in with my mother's narcissism and both of their judgmentalism, religious rigidity and hair-trigger rage and I can understand why, to this day, I just about can't tolerate displays of anger by anyone. It's one of the things I'm still working on with EMDR. You are right - it's very hard. One good thing, though, is that at least today so much more is known about this and how to treat it. Back when my dad was a WWII vet, there wasn't even a name for it, except maybe "shell shock." That doesn't even begin to describe it.

I feel so badly about your pets, too. I'm sure there is a heaven for them, maybe it's even a part of ours and you'll get to see them again. Thank you for sharing this, it must have been hard to re-live that again.

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/24/11 4:55pm

That must have been horrible for you Judy. So glad you got away from that job and that boss. Angry people...I can't stand being around them. It frightens me.

I have had many pets over the years and have witnessed death many times. But with those pets...I had no closure. It is the worst kind of grief. It was sort of like with my father...one day there...the next day...gone. No goodbyes...nothing. I believe that when you don't get that proper closure and grieving period...you can get stuck. I feel like a record (remember those? :>)) that gets caught in a particular groove when triggered.

Thank you for your thoughts and care Judy. I know you understand this topic very well.

patsyg

10/23/11 2:18pm

Merely Me,

I'm so sorry that the news reports about the animals being killed caused you to have a severe flashback. Had I known, I would have been more sensitive in my comments. I am truly sorry. I don't watch or read much of the news because it adversely affects my depression and anxiety, so I did not see the pictures of the dead animals or the woman crying about losing her "babies." Both of my grown daughters are serious animal lovers who became vegetarians in their teens because they care so much about animals. My older daughter's pets are "rescue" animals she has taken in and gives the best of care to.

My therapist, who is a psychologist, diagnosed me as having PTSD. Being able to have him as a therapist for a number of years has helped me with my PTSD symptoms a great deal. I am currently reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman, a psychiatrist. The entire book is about PTSD. "The core experiences of psychological trauma are disempowerment and disconnection from others. Recovery, therefore, is based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections. Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation. In her renewed connections with other people, the survivor re-creates the psychological faculties that were damaged or deformed by the traumatic experience. These faculties include the basic capacities for trust, autonomy, initiative, competence, identity, and intimacy. Just as these capabilities are originally formed in relationships with other people, they must be reformed in such relationships."

It is a very informative book, and I recommend it to anyone interested in PTSD and recovery from it.

patsy

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/24/11 5:01pm

Hey Patsy!

First I want to reassure you that you said nothing in your comments to trigger me. As a matter of fact I greatly appreciated your fact finding as it made me feel better. My mind simply hooked onto that news story and the feelings stewed for a day. It was inevitable that those emotions needed to be released.

I used to be a news junkie but now...I have to be careful. So many horrible things going on in the world. I can't isolate myself from all information but at times I do need to be selective. It is very hard in our instant informational world and especially with all the visuals.

Thank you for telling me about this book...I will look for it.

And thank you for your comments and for participating on the sites. I always look forward to anything you write.

patsyg

10/24/11 5:26pm

Thank you, MM! I find your posts and replies helpful and thought-provoking. You come across as real and accessible. You're my favorite expert poster on Health Connections. (No suck up intended.)

patsy

jpw2008

10/23/11 7:35pm

I have chest pains right now

I dont like to tell people whats wrong

They would tell me go to the doctors

I have anxiety attacks going to the dentist

I have chosen to suffer

It is very backwards thinking

I have several bad experiences with dentists

Jon

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/24/11 5:05pm

Hi Jon

Will you be visiting the dentist soon? I don't care for going to the dentist either. But putting it off sometimes leads to trouble. Once I had not gone for two years due to no money or insurance and by the time I did...I was having some problems by then that could have been prevented.

There are dentists who treat patients who have a fear of dental work. Is your dentist now sensitive to your needs?

I will have to do a search...I think we may have some posts on this site (the anxiety site) on dealing with dental fears and phobias.

You are not alone in this.

Thanks for your comment Jon.

Lene Andersen, Health Guide

10/23/11 10:12pm

Sending you a big hug. No one should have to live through what you've experienced.

I spent a lot of time at a rehab hospital when I was a child. Much of what happened there and how the staff acted towards us kids would now be called abuse. Every time I get within 10km of the place, I feel physically sick. Luckily, it's in Denmark and I haven't been back for almost 20 years, but thinking about the place can still throw me for a loop. Reading your experience, I wouldn't call it PTSD, but it definitely has cast a long shadow.

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/24/11 5:08pm

Hey thanks Lene

I am feeling much better now. I appreciate the hug.

You will have to share about the rehab hospital sometime. Well only if it doesn't trigger you. I do wonder how they treated you and other children. It would be interesting to see a "history" of RA and how people were treated years ago vs. now.

I really appreciate you stopping by to comment.

LyraStorm

10/24/11 7:23am

Hi MerelyMe,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that - thank you for sharing a story that must have been hard to reveal, and emotional to relive through in just writing it, I'm sure (despite having vented in crying recently).

What really hit out to me were these sentences.

I felt that I had let them down. I feel responsible. I could not save them or my mother.

Did you mean to write that you feel responsible, rather than felt? I know in PTSD you're taken back to what you went through - but on a day to day basis do you still feel it now? You wrote that you felt you had let them down, you see, which implies a sense of moving on... the contrast just screamed out to me a little, that's all. I hope you have managed to put that feeling of being responsible behind you. Like you said an 11yr old cannot be held accountable for such things - hell, I doubt an adult could be either.

I'm glad the moment has passed, and I hope you feel a lot better now. Fingers crossed you won't be triggered again (or at least not for a long time - heaven knows we all need time to recoup after an episode).

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/24/11 5:24pm

You are quite astute Miss Lyra

Actually I was having difficulty with those sentences and the use of present and past tense. Logically...the event is long over. But the feelings are still there. When I wrote that I felt that I let my pets down I was picturing me as a girl but then today...I still feel responsible...I still feel the weight of it. During an episode I move in and out of time. Sometimes I hold a comfort object like a stuffed animal or something to keep me grounded in the now.

It was somewhat of a risk to write this. But I know that there are people out there who go through this and they might think that they are "crazy" or a freak or simply not understand that...when you experience trauma (and this can be defined in many ways) it can have a strong effect on your psyche. I always thought...this is just me and nobody else reacts this way. But I think there are many people who do...but they just don't know the fancy term for it.

Despite saying all this I do think PTSD is overly diagnosed. It is more than just a bad memory...it is having flashbacks....feeling as though you are there and as though you cannot stop this film in your head. It causes panic and for those who have a ton of frequent triggers...it can be downright disabling. Fortunately I have mostly overcome this...it is rare for me to have an episode and when I do it is short-lived. Quite frankly I was surprised to react this way. I felt...blindsided.

Thanks so much for your observations and compassion Lyra. Have you considered becoming a counselor? You know a lot from your own experiences. I bet you would be good at it.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Up Close and Personal

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