Hey MM.  I haven't been here for a while.  Been battling depression and anxiety.  This makes me isolate even more, which makes matters even worse.  It's self sabotage. 

     Thanks for this article.  It is prompting me to get back to getting better and treating myself with respect.

     I am a ruminater.  I did not realize it till now.  I mean, I know I replay the day, an event, the trip or etc. and critique everything I said or did.  Then I beat myself up for saying/doing or not aying/doing.  I make myself feel terrible and then the nose drve into my dark cave of depression begins again.  If I make a mistake I relentlessly beat myself to a pulp.  I would never do this to anyone else.  I am always very caring of other people and their feelings.  I minimize and try to support and help others, if a mistake of any kind is made.  Why don't I allow myself the same compation and caring?

     I have lost tons of time due to isolation from others.  I am very good at blending into the walls.  I hate any attention being on me.  I just want to run and hide.  I'm not sure what I am afraid of.  I don't even like positive attention, like my boss telling me I'm doing a great job.  I hate that!  I usually deflect by saying..."Ok, what do you want?"  I'm going to try the keeping a journal to see if I can figure out what I am afraid of, because I just don't know.  But, I do know that what evere it is, I've been afraid of it for a very long time.

     I do have a phobia issue or two, as well.  I was raised without any religious influence.  It isolated me from everyone else.  Now I am petrified to go to any where near a church or to have any kind of a religous discussion.  Once I gave a young mother and her two children a ride since the father was staying to load up a washer and dryer we had sold them at our garage sale.  The mother and kids had an afernoon party to attend and did not want to miss.  I offered them a ride to the event.  I had no idea that the event was at a church!  I drove to the church and dropped them off in the parking lot without them b being the wiser, ( I can be a very good actress wen I have to be).  But I was sweating, hyperventilating and was sick to my stomach.  I was gripping he steering wheel so tight I was shaking.  It was an awful experience for me.  It sounds silly, but the feelings were very real.