For those of you who may not be familiar with the term “kvetching” it is a Yiddish term meaning “to complain.” And a kvetcher is someone who complains a lot. We all do it, perhaps especially us anxious types. For those of us who are more sensitive to the world and its many annoyances, we may end up either keeping our anxiety and stress inside or we may blow a gasket and vent. Kvetching is so popular that there are even entire websites devoted to the fine art of complaining. Although it can feel momentarily relieving to vent to a friend, neighbor, spouse or co-worker, kvetching doesn’t really do much to improve our mental health. In fact if you do it too much you are in danger of ruminating (repeating the same thoughts over and over in your head).

So what is the answer? Assertiveness. This is a word we have all heard before. But how many of us actually put some backbone behind our words and take action? In this post we are going to talk about how to transform kvetching and complaining into problem solving and assertiveness. To illustrate this transformation towards assertiveness I am going to use a recent incident from my own life.

I am a patient with Multiple Sclerosis. I go to a local neurology hospital for my care. Although I love my doctor and all the medical staff, I can’t say the same for the administrative staff. For the past several years after my diagnosis I have put up with phone calls not being returned (even during an emergency), necessary tests not being set up in a timely manner, difficulty scheduling appointments, problems obtaining prescriptions, and rude and even belligerent customer service. Each time I go to this hospital I find yet another reason to seek treatment elsewhere. I have griped with friends and other patients. I have even spoken with my doctor about the inadequacy of the hospital system. My doctor has apologized but things don’t change.

One of the major problems with kvetching is that we quite often do it with people who can’t help us change what is bothering us.

The last time I had a neurology appointment I had my usual wonderful service and care from my doctor. I was having an MS episode at the time. I was feeling dizzy, weak, and was having difficulty speaking and comprehending speech. As soon as my doctor left me to check out I felt vulnerable. The receptionist glared at me, slapped a clipboard in my hand and proceeded to give me instructions with a rapid-fire cadence. Then she looked at my blank expression and yelled, “DO YOU UNDERSTAND?” What I wanted to say was that I had MS but my hearing was not impaired…yet. When I replied with a single word, “no” I could see the woman’s face contort with disgust. I was given the eye roll. Then she proceeded to point to one of the chairs I was to sit in as I filled out the form and she told me as soon as I heard another receptionist say “Next” I was to give my form to her. At this point I was afraid to not do anything this woman said.