I just saw replies to a post about a 19 year old son not getting out of his room, and the replies that "he needs to because the longer he stays in, the harder it will become." This is something that you can't FORCE to happen, but I'm at my wits end. I have a kidney stone right now and I couldn't even get him to go get something from the store for me. His father is an alcoholic and possibly drug addicted as well. His father and I divorced when my son was 1, but he lived nearby and still had little to no contact with my son. He saw his father's abusiveness in his new family and will not medicate for fear he will become addicted himself. I've had lots of therapy myself, and understand "enabling." My son is gifted (IQ wise), but avoids reading or learning more about the medications that could possible give him a new lease on life. (I also understand the need for medication as I require an antidepresant and will probably need to remain on them a lifetime. I have no problem with this!)
The onset of this social anxiety reached its pinacle after he finished his AA degree from a local community college (now almost a year ago). He has begun to drive, which was a major accomplishment. This I'm proud of. He's always been a little less than social and the level of thinking he had as a child left him feeling out of place with students his age. (common for gifted children and more so with gifted children with a learning disability.) I'm a public school teacher, have taught students with learning disabilities, emotional handicapped, gifted, and at-risk youth. It's probably more frustating for me because I'm "supposed" to have a good handle on dealing with behavior.
The only socialization with people his own age is done through his on-line environment. We have a therapist and he has been going. He seems to have a good relationship with the therapist and has seen him off and on since he was 8. I've had continual medical issues that has prevented me to have a session or two for myself and with my son. The time I was able to visit, the therapist said his anxiety was almost to the point of being a disability. I asked about getting rid of our internet connection as a motivator to get out and getting a job, or going back to school, but he advised against it for fear of severe reaction.
It's become overwhelming today - could be the battle with the kidney stone with a thyroid disease diagnosis and more beginning to take their toll. ...and of course it's the single mother, "what did I do wrong in my parenting to make this occur"? How do you get a "man" out of his room when he doesn't want to?
thanks for thoughts!
Mom of Frustration
Dear Mom of Frustration,
I agree that nobody can truly "force" another to do anything, even if that person is your own son.
One thing I have come to realize--based solely on my own experience with mental illness as well as an alcoholic father who also abused his anti-depressants and anti-anti-anxieties and then moved on to abusing painkillers--is that when I first began therapy for my PTSD, I absolutely refused medication as I saw what it did to my father, and I too did not want to take a chance to become addicted (and/or lose my ability to think clearly as I saw this occur with my father as well). It is only in hindsight that my father had this reaction because he was not taking the medications properly.
Further to this end, when I was a teen, my family went to counseling for my dad's alcoholism, and such therapy "attendance" was forced on my sister and I as well as to "read this book, that book" on alcoholism to better understand my father's disease. Such "forcing" produced great resistance within both my sister and I. We were not asked, but told. We would go to the counseling sessions and my sister, mom and I would cry ourselves hoarse while my dad sat there. We read books, but my dad did not. My father did not reach sobriety until I was in my twenties (and that is only with the alcohol not prescription meds). On the whole, such forcing not entirely productive.
When my issues of mental illness came to the forefront of my life at age 27, even though I had lost my job, my savings, and had three surgeries and numerous medical procedures for cancer, I continued to be resistant to mental health medication as I wanted desperately to handle my mental health issues only with the help of a therapist and support groups. After a year of doing this, I had yet another rude awakening in that I was not moving forward but spinning my wheels, which only served to increase my anxiety, triggers and depression as I was talking about it more and more in private but nothing was being resolved in how I lived my everyday life.
For me, it took being very honest with a primary care physician that I could no longer function in the capacity that I was (which was minimal at best and holding on through sheer will power). This doctor asked me once again about anti-depressants. I asked him if I could begin to try it, ONLY if I could check-in with him on a weekly basis so he could actually see me in person to tell me if he noticed any differences in my behavior that were negative (spacey or out-of-it, a sense of feeling righteous [as this was my dad's response]). The doctor actually agreed to this because he knew my family history, knew how terrified I was, and knew that I was in desperate need of a solution.
In the end it worked. Finding a compassionate and knowledgeable doctor made the difference in my life. He saw me on a weekly basis, and then bi-weekly, and then monthly until I felt comfortable and confident that addiction is not part of the medication equation if taken properly. Further, if medication is taken properly, then I was also able to participate in therapy again without the "spinning of wheels" anymore, but actually begin to move forward.
I share all this, as your son--while not in the same situation--may be feeling some of the same feelings I was. I do not know if he perceives his therapy as being "forced" on him or not. I do not know if you have options to present to him for a support group of young adults his own age, or introduce the concept of seeing a different therapist that works with young adults. Allowing your son to feel in control of his own health concerns may be an option (you may have already done so...) For me, I had to find my way on my own terms where I felt safe, listened to, and taken seriously as an individual.
There are also peer-to-peer support offerings through NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) (http://www.nami.org/) throughout the country. Talking to a peer may support him in understanding the toll his health concerns are taking on living a more enjoyable life. He may also feel more comfortable talking to a peer, as a peer can offer insights that may be truly heard rather than from a doctor sitting across from him in a chair. (Also, you can download this info and pick up pamphlets here and there and leave them on the kitchen counter or something and if he asks what they are about, you can say something to the effect of, "Just looking into some stuff for myself. What do you think about it?" keeping the focus on you, not him. He may then pick up the info and perhaps consider the idea for himself...(again, just a thought). The goal here is to let him choose.
I know this is a long response. I sincerely wanted to share a few insights from my own experience to perhaps support you. And lastly, even though you are a woman of credentials when it comes to this sort of thing, you are dealing directly with your own son. Mental illness is not something of your making. As a mom, you can be supportive and understanding and that is what it appears you are doing. And let me tell you, having a supportive mom who loves and cares is a very big deal. And considering that you are taking your medications correctly, you are a role model for him of what medications can do to achieve a positive result.
Please keep us updated, and let us know all that is occurring. I know am not the only one in this community who has had their share of resistance to medication treatment or desired to support another with mental illness and the variety of options available. Others will have more thoughts to share, and perhaps by supporting one another, ideas will be created that will bring the relief your son is seeking.
Best
Kimberly Tyler
Thank you Kimberly,
Yes, your response is helpful.
It helps me to see it from his point of view. I'm not certain if he feels pressured into going to counseling - or at least I don't feel he "used" to feel pressured. He may be feeling that way presently.
I'm afraid I haven't been as calm or as understanding as I could be with his lack of participation in daily living this past year. I work with students that require a LOT of attention and coming home to a sink full of dishes knowing he's been in his room on the computer or asleep all day can be aggravating to say the least. At least when he was going to school the lack of help I could excuse - I understood.
If I may ask, was the doctor you used a psychiatrist, or a general practitioner?
I sincerely appreciate your candidness!
Dear Mom of Frustration,
The doctor who supported me through my fear of medication treatment was a general practitioner (primary care) doctor.
What actually allowed for this scenario of taking the meds and having him "monitor" me had everything to do with the doctor's genuine concern for my well-being. We had established a reciprocal trusting relationship, mainly because he took my physical and metal health needs seriously. And that made all the difference.
I really needed this type of trust to begin/consider medication treatment. I also did something similar with the same doctor for when I started on my anti-anxiety meds (although I did not feel the same need for such constant check-in after my first experience with him). Although a psychiatrist wrote the next prescription for the anti-anxiety meds, I still really only trusted my primary care doctor to give me direct feedback. As time went on I could then trust the psychiatrist for direct feedback (I felt that a doctor had to know me before taking the meds to know if there was a negative change after taking the meds).
Please let me know how this moves for you.
Best,
Kimberly Tyler