In all my discussions over many years with individuals that have schizophrenia, all have agreed that the one symptom of this brain disorder they fear most is severe anxiety.  In this blog I am presenting an abridged portion of my memoir that describes one of my first encounters with this dreaded phenomena.

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I awakened with a start.  Jerking to a sitting position, I looked around, my eyes wide, my surroundings in sharp focus.

I feel good, rested and strong.  Why?  What happened?

Looking out into a strange bedroom, my meeting with Dr. Levy the day before and my entry into the hospital came to mind.

Yes, this is the hospital and the room.

Then it struck me.  I shuddered with the full force of it.  Silence!  It was wonderful and powerful.  Satan was no longer inserting blasphemous thoughts into my mind.  The harassment, the torture had ended.  Denials were no longer required.  It was over!  My spirits soared.  Dr. Levy’s big, reddish-orange pill had worked.

As the warm feeling of relief spread over me, a woman in her thirties with short blonde hair appeared at my bedroom door.  Wearing a white blouse with frills down the front and a burgundy colored skirt, she was about five and a half feet tall.  She reminded me of Debbie Reynolds.

            “Good morning.  My name is Beth.  I’m your day nurse.  How do you feel, Robin?”

            Her voice was soft and her smile reassuring.

            “OK.  Can I go home now?”

            “You’ll have to discuss that with Dr. Levy.”

            “Well, I need to get out of here.  The school year is almost over and I’m graduating.”

            “Do you think you feel well enough to go back to school?”

            “Sure.  I’m a little tired, but I feel just fine.  I can’t miss my graduation.”

“Your graduation is certainly important.  But remember, you’ve been through quite a lot.”

Then she added, more to herself than to me, “Certainly more than most people could handle.”

            “It’s not only graduation.  Our church softball league is supposed to start in a couple of weeks.  Last year I played in the junior league and this year I’m starting on the men’s team.  I’m going to try out for second base, so I’ve got to practice.”

            “How long have you played softball?”

            “I’ve been playing since I was eight.  That makes five years now.”