sexual abuse

Casey - What you are describing is one of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This reliving of traumatic experiences is an unfortunate hallmark of abuse and trauma of many kinds. If you have not gotten some therapy for this, you should. There are helpful techniques and approaches to treat the consequences of sexual trauma that can improve the quality of your daily life. Be sure that the therapist you choose is very experienced in working with trauma and post traumatic symptoms. If you are the same person who has posted questions about other anxiety based problems it is possible that the roots of many of these difficulties are connected to your abuse.

Rick Wirtz

Dear Casey,

          I was also molested by different people when I was a child, and such experiences influenced my whole adolescence. I was extremely shy and avoided intimacy at all costs, meaning that I didn't have a "real" boyfriend until I was 19. During my adolescence, the "flash backs" were constant, and they made me feel really sick, dirty, guilt, angry and ashamed of everything, including myself. Then, I had help not from a therapist, but from my spiritual healer! When I told him what was happening, and how horrible I felt about it, he said: "Don't run away from these thoughts. If they keep comming back, it is because they want to 'tell' you something. First of all, forgive yourself from all this, then forgive the ones that caused this pain in your heart. Forgiveness is the remedy that will help you heal." 

         Based on his advice, every time i had the "flashes" and felt so scared and experienced all the horrible feelings again and again, I started to say to myself: "This is not my fault. It is not my fault that I trusted this person, I was only a child, and I should be protected. I forgive myself for trusting on someone else's judgement."  Every time, dear Casey, I just kept thinking that, forgiving myself - like if I was there, looking at myself as a child and protecting myself, calming that little girl and offering strength.

         After many months, I felt free from the gilty feelings, but still the "flash backs" were there. So I, that by then was trained to just "appear in the situation" as a big girl and calm the little girl (me at the time of abuse), I decided to face the abuser during the flashback, which I did. I imagined myself calmly pushing the person away, at the same time saying: "You are a confused person, you harmed someone that really trusted you. Sit down, because now, I am here, and I am strong, and I forgive your stupidity and ignorance."  It helped me so much to overcome intimacy, that i not only could enjoy having my first sexual experience (very late, at 21), but also could help other women that went through the same thing.

          Somedays i still have the "flashbacks", but they are really rare. And again, all I do is just separate myself from the abuser, and assure the little girl that it is gone, she is safe. As for my sex life with my husband, he knows about the abuse episode, and I know that today I am a grown person, that loves someone and have control of the situation.

          So, last advice: if this happens while you are making love, just think that your husband is someone that loves you and is sharing his love with you. And that YOU, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, you are another person now - a grown up, that is expressing your love for someone that deserves it.

I hope that my reply was somehow helpful.