I have Complex-PTSD and I believe I am somehow sabotaging my most intimate interpersonal relationships! Just when things are going really good with my new lady friend and I, I seem to do things, (without consciously intending to), that jeapordize the relationship. Why do I do this and where might I find more information about self-sabotaging / self-defeating behavior?
Thank you once again for your assitance.
M Heartwood
Hi Mark,
It would be impossible to give you specific feedback about why you are behaving the way you are because I do not know you. However, I can make some general comments that hopefully will steer you in the right direction.
For those that may not know, PTSD can cause a lot of problems in relationships because the person suffering from it tends experience a lot of guilt, fear, confusion
(among other feelings) that manifest themselves in a lot of areas, not just when things related to the trauma pop up.
The bottom line is that you should seek some effective treatment for your PTSD. Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) is appropriate for some people to become free from disturbing events from the past. When we have disturbing events that occur, they can get "locked" in our brains with the original images, thoughts, feelings and body memories. EMDR, which is believed to be similar to what happens during our dream sleep, helps to "reprocess" these experiences and to be free to engage in new behaviors that were previously difficult.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) will also address PTSD, but in a different way than EMDR. I am trained in both metnods and actually prefer EMDR for processing a trauma because one does not have to "immerse" themselves into the trauma with the EMDR model like the CBT model demands. Rather, you "ride through" it while protected (as if you were riding on a train watching passing scenery) in the present moment.
If you are not ready for therapy, one of my favorite self help books is entitled, Growing Beyond Survival: A self-help toolkit for managing Traumatic Stress, by Elizabeth Vermilyea, M.A. This book will give you practical tools that you can use to change thoughts and behaviors related to PTSD and therefore approach life and relationships in a different way.
I hope that helps get you started,.
Regards,
Jennifer L. Fee, Psy.D.
Mark, hi. I by no means am an expert nor am I a doctor of any kind, but your question caught my eye. I too have Complex PTSD and I, too, lost my fiance of 9 years because, well, you know why. And the thing is I educated my partner (more like warned him to run for the hills) and he was prepared. I sabotaged in a different way--from the inside out. It became too much for him to handle anymore and I knew before he did that he was leaving (though deep down I kept that small, tiny seed of hope that he'd stay, that I really wasn't that sick). I agree that you do need to seek some form of therapy you know why? Because it must be processed, and in doing so you learn who you are again and you see what you are doing and you have the emotional capacity to put a reign on certain things--you know the difference between the illness and you. You are not your mind. Your mind is not your friend. But you have a beating spirit in you--that's whats going to save you. I had C PTSD for eleven years, and for the last year it peaked, unstoppable for over 365 days. I know you know what this long trip is, but it really is a journey. Did you feel fractured before? Unidentifiable? Can you say you know who you are? For the first time in my life, now that I'm recovering (ever so damn slowly) I can say that I do. And because I have clarity, I'm able to see the relationship for what it was and is. We are not together, there's just so much you can ask from one person, but I believe there are those who'll hang through the thick of it. They fight, too. You're making a step--you're observing and questioning things that are sort of outside of yourself. That's a key move. Keep in touch, I'd like to see how you're doing.
I too have ptsd! From abuse. You say you know why, when decribing why your fiance' left!! I am just a bit confused, I think I understand what you mean. But, yet not quite sure... could you please give me just a little more hint of what you mean by that??? I myself had issues with intimacy, which was worse, my husband has a wall up too with that issue. Not quite sure why, or he just isn't versed in how to love a woman. He is very introverted. Makes for a difficult sex life. We know we love each other, yet, the intimacy is lost. He doesn't hug, only kisses me when going to work, It's a very lonely life. :( We've talked about it.. he puts forward some effort, to just revert back to his introverted self. Oh, well!! My life goes on... along with my therapy.
Hello and I'll sure try! What I mean is that we had, during the rough time, one thing holding us together--this little string that stood for him being able to always help me. I truly believed it killed him to watch it all happen and he couldn't do a thing. And we'd argue and misread eachother and then I'd get triggered and dissociate for days. It got ugly. But when I had my episodes and flashbacks he was there, only for some reason, it was like he didn't want to be anymore. My illness(es) scared the crap out of him. I had psychotic delusions and all that jazz, and he was the healthiest person you'd ever meet, great childhood, the whole deal. When he began to pull away alittle, I knew it was over because you don't (you just DONT) pull away from someone when they're that scared and sick and helpless. You don't leave them. And so I know it was coming and I knew it wasn't meant for us to be together. I told him I wanted him to find someone that could express their love for him every day (because I, like you, am emotionally crippled in the matters of love with a man), and I saw his eyes--he wanted that too. And the next thing I knew, it was over. Just like that. We're still friends, better friends, but a part of me will always be...disappointed. Cuz when you're down like that it feels like everything else and everyone has left you and you're all alone, and then the one you love who's healthy to stay, he leaves? Yeah. So that's what I meant. Don't give up on your guy though. Remember, they're fighting for you, too. Has he been reading/researching what you're going through? Maybe he needs to really SEE YOU, is he seeing you????
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