I have a long history of major deppression.  A variety of phobias (fear of dark, evil, etc.)

seemed to develop with the disease. I realize that at least 15 years prior to being diagnosed with depression that I had social phobia(s), some severe and I also recall that

they seemed to pop up almost overnight, this itself confusing/scaring me because some of the "events" I feared a short time earlier were nothing to be fearful of, such as just

sitting next to someone and on and on and on. It was more irrational in that the problem

seemed to exist and not exist at the same time.  For example, I could be near someone

I didn't know and "seem out of place" and, on the other hand be near someone I didn't

know and be comfortable.  I couldn't approach some girls while I could approach others

and ask them for a date.  This never has made sense.  I have what I call virtually came

to terms with the variety of other phobias they had to the point I can't say I feel I

have a phobia, except social phobia.  I strong desire to "conquer" the phobias by what

I call "Fighting fire with fire" and facing the problem was a blessing to me.  This along

with psychotherapy and medication and counseling, which I have not done in a while

but am about to begin helped a variety of problems, including to a very limited extent,

social anxiety disorder and obsessive thinking.  I have been frustrated, cried, slammed

doors, acted foolish because I think I can't be a person.  I think and rethink over and

over again, What do I do to solve the problem, No Answer.  This social phobia relatives,

in my perception to fear of the opposite sex and authority and at times my theory,

when I attempt diagnosis unravels and I have there is something else and I can't

pinpoint what I am actually "anxious" of.  I feel so foolish (inside) when I repeatedly

attempt to put out a fire but using "a plan of attack" and I wither away always to

try unsuccesfully to get anywhere near close to winning even one little feat, which

may not even be a feat.  I'm probably "better" but I don't think/feel better about this

situation.  I recall at some points in time I could not even look at a car parked, like

at a light, near mine because I felt I was doing wrong and my mental and physical

system went into a state of fright.  Same with walking by someone of the opposite

sex or a person in authority, so much that I would have to alter my route or change'

the time of day I traveled that path.  There is still so much that I can't or think/feel

I can't do and there is a lot of interferance with my progressing as I have to conquer

this problem to acheive my goals.  I have had this for 33 years and enough is enough

though I said that 25 years ago and I guess I'm eternally paralysed by whatever is

going on.  I can't figure out, Why me? and though I don't live an isolated life it's a

life others would consider isolated.  Another paradox, I have a great relationship with

my daughter and grandchildren have gotten remarried.  How in the world does all

of this "Clutter" to where I cannot deal with social anxiety disorder.  Even writing this

brings a lot of unwanted emotion.

Respectfully,

BILL