Dear Sir/Madam,

I have a long history of major deppression which began in 1983 and resulted in several

periods of hospitalization and electoconvulsive therapy.  Dr.s felt I was doomed to be

institutionalized for the remainder of my life but somehow a month later I was home and

did well for a few years. I then came out of remission and then more hospitals and ECT's.

The illness, I believe, resulted in the onset on other illnesses such as being extremely

obsessive and several phobias, such as fear of evil, of the dark, heights and so on.

In getting "better" I set out to, along with psychotherapy, medications and counseling

to cure myself.  I read some books, practiced relaxation techniques such as visual

imagery (very helpfull) and did what I thought I could.  I found that the best way, at

least for me to manage phobias was to "Fight fire with fire", meaning I faced my fears

which, by the way was difficult but seemed to work wonders. I can't even think of any

phobias I have at this time except social phobia(s) which, by the way, facing helped

but only to an extent.  It's very difficult to face a feared social situation in a state

of extreme anxiety or fear with symptoms being confusion, disorientation, trembling

out to slaughter your goal of "winning". 

It seems noteworthy to me that social phobia(s) began long before depression.  I was

about 20 years old and depression, age 33.  It was, to say the least a strange event.

One day I was fine and it seemed the next I was paralized with social phobias.  Things

that were easy to face became a nightmare to face and I was confused and could not

figure out what in the world happened, running from nothing.  I was also scared and

extremely sad and angry with myself.  I tried hard to work on the problem, felt that

there was a strong possibility I was afraid of the "opposite sex" and "people in an

authoritative position.  Fear of the opposite sex didn't make sense.  I was dating

and about to get married and I ran from most girls because I felt I was doing something

evil by talking to, sitting by or looking at them.  This I called a paradox with other

twists such as being, at least, comfortable around some and scared to death of others.

In college, I recall sitting near a girl the whole semester without speaking to her and

rarely looking her direction.  Believe it or not, things got worse and I felt I had to

run away from my fear and hide or take a different avenue to avoid certain situations.

Later in my life, I couldn't even look toward a car I believed had a girl in it, could barely

cross paths with women I worked with and, at times, I planned avenues of escape

by moving when no one was around.  Again a paradox, I meet my second wife was

very comfortable and yet, with others, fear was all around me.

I planned to "Fight Fires" by going into a situation(s) I know caused me to become

phobic, have symptoms of panic and each time I was very confident of "victory"

but I shrank, at times getting no where near close.  This was before I was remarried

and I was searching for a girlfriend.  I noticed that when I had a "comfort blanket"

such as my daughter or a friend this relieved a lot of problems and I seemed, at times,

to behave as I had to little anxiety, sort of like intoxicated with fun.  I would have a

"win" but the next time I would meet the person, without the blanket I could walk,

talk or think.  I was spaced out and very upset and sad because I just new I would

never meet a girl or have a girlfriend for the rest of my life and no one knows how

important meeting this goal was to me.  Even if I knew that a particular girl, "liked

me" as told by her friends and my sensing her liking me I felt shy and couldn't

communicate or go near her without trembling.  I tried repeatedly, 30 to 40 times

and there never was any evidence of one drop of progress.

As I said, I was sad/hostile but not violent, throwing things, slamming doors and I

can't recall all my irrational behaviors.  All I remember was that I was doomed.

I later, by me trying to evualuate these situations that I may not even have a fear

of the opposite sex but what was it.  Lack of self esteem, habitual behavior or

some other specific/identifyable phobia.  I know I felt guilty, like looking at a girl

was wrong and immoral or that "evil spirits" had control of me or that I lacked several

social skills which, you can say that again.  I never have figured out where to find

these. 

Anyway, after years and years of this "junk" I still have social phobia(s) though at

times to a lesser extent.  There are still times I panic or I can't behave in a manner

I desire to behave and all of this for no reason at all.

How can you evaluate all of this?  How can I rid myself of the sadness?  Why do I have

all this "powerful drive" to eliminate this after 30 years?  How can I know the anxiety

is anxiey and not real life fear and thus march forward?  Why the paradox?  Why do

I need a security blanket or in other words what is the blanket doing for me, that I

cannot figure out.  Since they seem to work for me, what security blankets are

available for use, except dragging someone around with me. 

I notice that being married, when my wife and I were having a good relationship

relieved me.  It was like I didn't care whether or not I had the phobia.  Was I

content with what I had? Now, I'm discontent so I'm wondering if the discontent

contributes to the phobia with me body and state of mind, stress, etc. bringing

up or causing some of this.  I guess I could go on and on with my questions become

in 30 years I believe I've questioned a lot.

My counselors, when I went to counseling had trouble with me.  I am just about to

begin counseling for the first time in a few years deciding to give it another try.

The say that I need faith, hope and a belief in "a higher power" whether it is

Christianity or some other faith where I am being looked over, watched and cared

for.  I have so, so, so much trouble with this concept.  One day having faith, then

another no faith in anything.  I become obsessive thinking of everything I can to

deny the higher power.  I become "very scientific" such as the higher person created

my wife with a heart defect and that's not a good thing for a higher power to do,

or God created Adolf Hitler and that was his choice.  I didn't create evil, if I have it

it was there way before me and it definitely came to me because I didn't rationalllly

go looking for "evil".  I didn't define "evil", someone other than me said "thou shall

not" when they could have said "Thou shall".  Everything the higher power says is

evil is evil and I cannot change this.  I don't make the rules, I didn't invent sex,

or death or hate, lust or any of that other stuff.  If I made the rules I may be the

one going to Heaven.  It appears the rules are hard to follow knowing that we are

equiped very well to be "bad", with a lot of testosteroe, evil around us.  I made

my point.  The question(s) are how do I get off of this soundtrack.  My psychiatric

says I'm always obsessing and even though it may be a worthy cause in one sense

it is eating me alive and need to go relax, have fun and drop thinking of problems,

leave them behind and go a different path, one that is better for me.  This makes

a lot of sense, putting in practice is what I need help with as I have a horrible

desire to examine and eliminate problems or there creators by having "justice"

placed upon their back(s).  How do I keep my mind from rolling on and on amd on

until I find a solution when I can just leave the problem behind me and relax.  This,

the ability to shut off my mind after years of this seems like a worthy goal but

it looks difficult.  To me it is like you don't need to see in the dark so keep your

eyes closed.  The point is where do I find out how "not to obsess"?

Finding "faith" in something is another worthy goal and again, at least for me,

seems very, very difficult.  It seems like it ought to come naturally.  I hear

people say we are going on vacation and play and have fun, then they come

back dead.  Happens daily.  What makes me think my daugter is being "watched

over when I could get that same phone call my aunt recieved?  I know the

recommendation is going to someone who believes in a higher power but I';;

drive the person crazy.  My thoughts go from trying to figure out how I can

have a mother when my mother is deceased to trying to figure out why people

say there is a dead dog in the road when 1) a mother is a person and the

the dictionary never lead me to believe that anything dead is a dog.  I know

my obsesions are "haywire" and probably designed by either chemical/

neurological events in my brain but I ain't a good doctor and have never

found anyone to figure all of this out.  

Where do I go from here?

Thanks

Respectfully,