How can I set limits on how many questions my OCD husband can ask in a day?
My husband has severe OCD, sometimes with bipolar tendencies. He is only allowed to call the county clinic once per day (he'll call as soon as it's open). The rest of the time he uses me as the therapist. There have been times when he seems to "hear" my eyelids open and he'll come to ask me "what to do about his feelings," "am I going crazy," "will I ever get better all the way," "tell me what to do and I'll do it" (in order to be cured), "what about....." If I'm not home, he'll call me. These questions are asked of me, sometimes our pastor, my son, or anyone who will listen. He also feels out of place at social events or church. He'll sit off to the side or in a corner and get upset because no one talked to him. the only counseling he gets is a 5-minute per day phone call to the clinic triage nurse and a medication update every 2 months. He is unable to work, he only has Medicare AB and D. I am a substitute teacher (off work now) and we have no other insurance to cover counseling. He takes buspar, thorazine, anafranil and a host of asthma medication (Yes, he has severe asthma [COPD?] but cannot stop smoking 1 to 2 pack of cigarrettes per day. Needless to say, he is not the only one to feel alone. I have been fighting for proper treatment for over 25 years. Any suggestions on setting boundaries?
Hi ...I would much prefer to address you by a name than "OCD's Wife," but it sounds like maybe that's how you're feeling right now, that your life is consumed by your husband's OCD?
You hit the nail on the head, your husband needs proper treatment, and you need knowledge and support to learn how to relate to him as well as to take care of yourself.
Setting boundaries is a great topic. For those who may not be familiar with the concept, think of boundaries as imaginary lines or fences that help protect you emotionally, physically, and mentally from others' behavior. They are not about changing other people's behavior, rather they are about not allowing others to step over that line to harm us, by clearly communicating what is ok and what is not ok with us in an assertive, but respectful manner. So, if I were talking with you, I'd probably start by asking you a lot of questions, for example, How many questions is it ok for you that your husband ask you in a day, hour, etc? Or, what time can he start? Do you need a cup of coffee before fielding your first question from him? Is there a time in the evening when you just can't answer any more? I would want to help you discover what is o.k. for you and what is not....that will help you determine where you need to set your boundaries. You might want to start by reading the book Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. It is a very helpful book, but don't be surprised if you need extra support even after reading it. You've got a complicated situation.
As far as your husband goes, please check out the Unversity of Pennsylvania's Center for the Treatment of Anxiety. If your husband became a patient subject in a research study, treatment would be free. I do not know what their fees are otherwise (or if they take Medicare), but they say they have low cost options.
If you live far from Philadelphia, this may sound like a crazy suggestion, but I know that people travel to this clinic from all over the country. Dr. Edna Foa runs this clinic, and she is the most well known pioneer in the treatment of OCD. You have nothing to lose by just consulting with them.
You could look for other referrals at the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA) website.
Please let us know if you have further questions and how it goes with searching for treatment.
Best Wishes,
Dr. Jennifer Fee
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Dr. Fee offers some very good suggestions. There are also a few good self help books that I would recommend. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: New Help for the Family by Herb Gravitz and Loving Someone With OCD by Karen Landsman. There are definitely things you can do that could help.
Dr. Tarlow
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Hello! I was saddened to hear your story. You must be exasperated and exhausted and your husband sounds completely tormented by his OCD. Dr. Fee and Dr. Tarlow offered some great resources. I would like to suggest that you contact the National Institute of Mental Health and inquire about a clinical trial for your husband. They are conducting them on OCD and maybe they can offer some help. Best wishes!
Dr. Rick Wirtz
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