Hi Michelle,

I appreciate you writing in and your wanting to address this problem.  The first thing to realize is that anger is what we call a "secondary emotion," meaning that there is always a deeper emotion underneath it, specifically some kind of hurt or pain.  However, for many people, it feels less vulnerable to express anger instead of that deeper feeling, which could be rejection, betrayal, abandonment, just to name a few.  Anger is more outwardly focussed, for example, if I say, "Why did you do that!" instead of "I was really hurt when you said I'm a lousy housekeeper," then my focus is on the other person, not my feelings of hurt.

In contrast, some people who are depressed have turned their anger inward. So, instead of getting angry at you, I might blame myself or just say, "people are always hurting me."  Anxiety can sometimes be the result of supressing a feeling altogether, so instead of getting angry or feeling hurt I might say, "Whatever....it doesn't matter", and try to push the feeling(s) out of my awareness which can later turn into anxiety.

I want to encourage you to seek out some therapy.  Therapy can help in two ways. First, if you are acting inappropriately when you are angry you can learn some ways to control your anger level and behavior.  Second, which is equally important, therapy can help you discover what the primary emotion is for you under the anger.  Then you can work through that emotion and once you do, there's a very good chance that anger will no longer be an issue for you.

You can find referrals for therapists in your area on the Psychology Today website.

Regards,

Jennifer L. Fee, Psy.D., Psychologist

The Stress Masters

Michelle - Jennifer's answer to your question was really excellent and I only want to add a few thoughts. As you have commented angry reactions do sometimes seem to run in families and that is because there may be underlying depressive or anxiety disorders. If these go untreated they can leave people in an ongoing state of low level irritability and easy agitation. Getting a thorough work-up for these conditions is important.

Sometimes these behavior patterns are learned from watching parents behave angrily at everything even though, as Jennifer pointed out, there may be other more central  feelings underneath. When people really want to change those behaviors they can sometimes find some help from Anger Management programs.  

Hi Michelle...Same here with the Anger.. Ihave been back and forth and in 3 diff states to try and get some help and i finally found a doc willing ti help me..THANK GOD! I was put on every damn antidepreddant there was out there and nothing worked. My new Doc just put me on Xanax xr 3mg and so far i feel gr8!..At first alittle tired but i can deal with that and he said that it will pass..Good luck and i hope you find help.

                                                           Sincerly,

                                                                    Kimberly H.