my son just told me he saw his brother snorting something ...what approach do I take to confront him

Hi Rosebudd,

I'm sorry that your son is doing drugs, it's a very difficult issue for a parent to face.  Your instincts are right, while you might want to get mad and yell, that approach is most likely not going to be effective for getting him to face his problem.  I'll outline some simple suggestions, but you might want to also get some guidance from a counselor/therapist who specializes in addictions.  Also, you might want to role play your conversation a few times with someone before confronting your son. You didn't state how old your son is, so I'm not sure if he's a minor or an adult, but here are some general suggestions:

1. Find a time to talk to your son when there will not be distractions/interuptions. Be sure it is not a time when he is under the influence of any drug.

2. Be very specific and factual about what you know:  "Your brother saw you snorting drugs in the bathroom last Friday," for example. "I know you missed 5 days of work in the last 3 weeks,"  etc.

3. Be firm, but do not make any boundaries unless you are prepared to follow through with them.  For example, if your son is an adult who is living with you, do not say, "You cannot live in my house unless you are in rehab/not using," unless you are prepared to follow through.  If you do not follow through on your boundaries, then your word is meaningless. 

4.  Even though you are being firm and blunt, also be empathic and  understanding, "I know you started taking the Vicodin after your injury and were in so much pain.  It's easy for people to keep taking those drugs long after they need them for physical pain."

5.  You can be supportive and concerned too:  "I love you and I want to help."

You already know not to approach him out of anger.  You also do not want to try to make him feel guilty, "How could you do this to yourself/our family" or blame yourself, "Where did your father and I go wrong!" 

I hope that helps get your thinking started.  Please seek extra help/support if you need it before you talk to your son!

Best Wishes,

Jennifer L. Fee, Psy.D., Psychologist

The Stress Masters