So in typical fashion, I have returned after a crisis of self worth.  Knowing that I was being hired by someone who couldn't afford to do the job right, meaning paying my fee, then having a budget I worked with.  I believe he preyed on my weak soul, but I didn't assert myself -- I was too desperate for money.  It was one of those Burger vs. Carrie B. situations where she should have broken up with Burger before he  broke up with her.  Carrie, much like me, thought she and Burger could work it out.  On t he positive note -- it helped sustain my family for awhile, and helped me understand, what I want to do with my business, and what kind of client I don't want.  While I could chalk some of this to my BPD, a lot of this is me -- it's me making a decision out of despair, rather than is this truly right for me.  I have knowledge, I deserve for it to be heard, I deserve to be given the opportunity to advise -- I have a feeling I am good at that.  I think people are comfortable hearing what I have to offer.  While I say all of these things  about what I want -- I have to come to grips with what I am good at.  I actually heard a colleague say "She can't do anything."  In another job, I heard people wonder what it is I do.  I guess it's because I choose to do the things that need to be done behind the scenes, especially when I have been smacked down for my opinion or belief.  I fade into the wood work.  I can't afford to hide out -- but I am also at a loss as to what the next step is.  I keep trying to force it, whether it's researching new business leads or reconnecting with old contacts -- I find myself trying to grasp on anything to move the pendulum forward, rather than sitting in this stagnant place in life.  I'm still trying to embrace the fact that I am just wired differently, rather than being punished for being inadequate.  I don't want to resign myself to the fact that I won't have my own children, own a successful business, or even be good at something where I am respected for my talent.  I am grateful for those who like my inside but at the same time frustrated by their inability to see my intelligence, or maybe there simply is no intelligence to see.  

I found that I am truly alone in my despair -- my family has begun to lose faith in my ability to adequately provide for them (which at the end of the day that is my only roll in the family unit.) My husband thinks that I suffer from depression because of environmental factors, but there is simply no medical test to prove that a person is depressed or suffers from Bipolar Disorder.  I am now best keeping that struggle to myself. I've never been so hurt by the one I love ever.  Is he entitled to his opinion -- yes, but I've never been so saddened by the fact that he has simply no belief or desire to understand what it feels like to live like this.  It is awful to feel that this is all I'll ever be in life -- a life that started out with so much potential only to be penniless, childless, famililess, and jobless.   I actually feel that today -- doesn't feel like a BPD thing -- it is a self worth thing.  I guess that is a win -- however I do feel scattered and unfocused a bit. If your curious -- I stepped away to take my Wellbutrin, Lexapro, a direutic, a blood pressure pill, and a fish oil tablet that I forgot to take today, with a twist though -- yes I washed it down with a shot of Peppermint Schnapps.  The first swig took my breath away -- so much so the last pill (the Wellbutrin) popped out of my mouth.  The second swig did the trick -- and it was good.  Self medicating -- yes.  Risky -- whatever.  All I know is I need a good night's sleep tonight -- one with no tossing or turning, no waking up every two hours or so to see if I'm still breathing or if the dog is still on the bed.  I just want to rest peacefully and then wake up to say "Do Over" so I can have clear thoughts back.