Dear bibber,

Thank you for the nice comments. I can tell that you are a true "Barnabus" (encourager). That poem was written at a rather low point, which I am certain you are familiar with. I usually write when I am thinking back on a depressive time. It is odd, but these writings, of which I have a lot, just fall out of my head. The style is usually reminiscent of who I am reading or listening to at the time (ex: Dylan Thomas, Bob Dylan - huh, that's odd)

I was diagnosed in 1992. The hardest part of this illness, I think, is trying to describe to someone outside of the community how you feel. This illness is so cruel on so many fronts; the stigma, expression of feelings and understanding. When you announce that you have cancer, or heart disease, of renal failure, people run toward you ... when MI is announced, people run the other way.

I have been a pastor for over 11 years (after spending 25 years in manufacturing management) and if my congregation found out, they would feel sorry for me, but I wouldn't have a job anymore. This is what cuses me the greatest sadness; I want to "come out" for those of us who can hold professional jobs while this illness is being controlled, but I know that if I do my career will end. Do I need the money more than I need to stand up for those that can't? For the common good or for the personal gain? “Unless we work for the common good there won't be any” (anonymous) Wish I knew. ws

Hi Winston,

I had to look up what a Barnabas is: "son of encouragment". So I guess I am a daughter of encouragment:)

Thanks for that nice compliment.

I was really thinking about your dilemma with your job, what would I do in your situation...and I really didn't come up with anything satisfactory, till this morning. This is very much a process I go through a lot, and I constantly loose sight of shore, till it eventually hits me over the head.

I ponder and ponder over some question and every solution seems hopeless or unsatisfactory. And then eventually, after much depression and suffering, I finally realize that there is one thing for sure that does NOT help and that is exactly what you are doing right now too: BEATING YOURSELF UP!!! How can you work for the common good if you don't work for your good first. And that means feeling good about yourself and building on your confidence. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances and once you will feel you are ready you will do what feels right for you. In the meantime, nobody deserves to feel so bad about themself. That is what I think we have to address first: that crappy feeling about ourselves that is with us morning to night, that voice that critisizes us all the time: "But Winston, are you not living an anauthentic life? Why can't you stand up for what you believe?" But do you ever think how many people you have helped by your insights and sensitivity. Do they really have to know how you got all that wisdom? The most important thing is that you are taking care of yourself, taking your meds.... That is the only responsibility you have to the greater good. If you decide to come out, do it for yourself. And only do it if you have the confidence that life will go on, that you will find another job. Do it out of feeling good about yourself, not bad!!

Aren't we all god's children? Don't we have all a shot at happiness?

Secondly, how can you be so sure that you will loose your job? How can you really know. Maybe people will stand up for you, maybe it will not be as big a deal as you think it will be...I am not saying that it will happen that way, but can we ever know something for sure until it happens? 

Just a few thoughts, my brother:)

Hanna 

Hanna,

Thanks for the wonderful email. I know I need to work on "self" first, but that is where I run into a problem. It seems that somewhere about my high school days my personality went in two different directions; during the day I was studious, geeky, boring. However, at night, I became this drug using, beer drinking partier that was so common then. According to my therapist, Michael never merged into one person. So when I say that "I'm trying to find myself", it is not a cliche.

I was the perfect example of a social chameleon. I could become all things to all people. So when I try to find "self" it isn't an easy search.

Some people who know of my MI sometimes remark, "You seem fine to me." They don't realize how much effort ot takes to appear "normal". Inside I am a mess, but just because I don't let them see that, they think all is fine. I really think that might be one reason why all of these people lately are shooting up schools and businesses and families. It is like they are saying, "Now can you take me seriously. I need help!"

Sorry about the manic fingers, but when the words come out, I just type them. And I don't go back and re-read them. They are what they are.

Back in the 70's when I was in high school, each day was spent putting up with ridicule and trying not to get beat up. It was so bad that I had developed a plan to get back with those students. I never carried it out but, if pushed too far, who knows. These kinds of thoughts were alive even back then; we just didn't know we could carry them out.

Please keep in touch.

You're fellow nut,

Michael 

Hi winston, I have sent you a reply but somehow in the wrong category. I just wanted to make sure that you know it is there:)

All the best, Hanna