Content Being Bipolar

Bipolarism comes with gifts.  There's sensitivity, compassion, and tremendous creativity.  I believe people are exactly who they need to be.  As far as treatment, we have our son on the lowest dose to control his rages but it doesn't change who he is.  I hated it when he was on the antipsychotic.  It surpressed everything and made him want to sleep all of the time.  There has to be a happy medium with everything.  We couldn't continue to let him feel suicidal.  That is an extremely dangerous place to be.  The hypomania makes him happy.  I'd rather see him a lil on the up side then anywhere close to the down side.  I'm very glad you're at peace with yourself and hope that he'll feel that some day.

Winston...Nice to hear from you.  You pose a very interesting question that gives us much to ponder.

Many bipolars that I know would give up being so in a New York minute.  They feel life has been unkind and that bipolar is much too tough an illness to contend with - too many ups and downs, too many hospitalizations, too many friends gone by the wayside.

I have a few regrets, the biggest one being that I didn't come to acceptance of my illness sooner in my life.  We lose time with this illness, and my children have paid the price.  So sure, I have regrets.

But overall, I agree with you.  I have never said "why me", it would only make matters worse.  I have never played the "blame game", it wouldn't help.  I have always known that one day, some way, I would get the better of "bipolarness".  And I truly believe that because of hard work and diligence, I have come to acceptance and real understanding.

If there were a cure, I would not be interested.  The man upstairs made me who I am and gave me these challenges for a reason.  And I think what this illness has taught me is human compassion and that's quite a gift.  So I've learned some good things from this illness, it will always be a part of me, and I'm grateful for what my illness has given me, if that makes any sense.  All the best to you.

                                    Compassion is the chief law

                                    of human existence

                                                 Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Way to go Mr. Smith!  I like your spirit very much!  Pam

I would consider myself lucky, as far as the spectrum of bipolar goes.  I run a little high.  I don't get deeply depressed.  I'm never suicidal.  I have no reason to expect I'll ever be jailed or hospitalized.  I'm smart, creative, funny...  happy dancing on a table with a lampshade on my head, or reading a stack of 40 library books in a weekend.  There have been value in those moments.

However, I have to recognize that I am getting worse.  And if I were single, I think I could arrange my life around my condition.... I know my mom does.  But I can't do it with a husband and child.  So it's important for me to manage it so I can arrange my life without bipolar being the one who gets to dictate the limits.

I would, in a heartbeat, shed this demon -- if anyone feels there is any reason to cling onto the torrid, tangled misery of the shifting mania and dark doldrums of this desease, I would check in again.  Maybe you haven't paid enough attention to those whom you abused, those close to you who were the object of your transference and rage, withdrawl and derision.

If of course, they are still with you, and still sharing your madness, you might ask them how hard were you, and are you to live with -- you might find it's like a woman explaining birth to a male -- they can't begin to share the pain they've suffered because of you and your disease.

Yes, it is good to continue to hold onto those rare, fleeting periods of stability, pretend that this is who you 'really' are, ignore the harsh, contrasting, and often irratiional 'other side' and be satisfied with yourself, but that doesn't make you either well, or even a reasonable being to live with. 

Many times I have asked the question to those that love me, and they all wish I weren't ill, angry and moody, rageful and withdrawn.  They know I am an emotional changling, fragile yet nasty and mean, calm then enraged, sullen then overjoyed, empowered and on top or spiraling into the pit of depression -- and they hurt, much like I hurt for the never-ending drudgery of living and loving in a marginal relationship with a time bomb. 

I am so humbled by how much my family and friends care for me and how, in kind, I repay them with my complexity, confusion, and instability -- sobering.

Yes, I accept who I am and have fashioned a fairly reasonable existence, considering I have managed to survive for sixty years with this 'condition'.  But I will never minimize the degree to which this sickness has altered my personality, deprived me of pleasures and lured me into the deep holes of depression and seduced me with suicidal ideation.  I must be real and never second guess where my mind will wander, always alert to the triiggers in relationships and constantly vigilant for the little queues of cycling and yet another onset of mania or depression.

I am doing as well as anyone, chemical (every drug know to mankind and ECT) and talk therapy and ongoing cognaitve behavioral adjustment, and I wouldn't want to start living all over again, but yes, I could have done without this so-called BiPolar disorder.

i would like to be myself again. i know it won't happen. the depression cost me my marriage of 27 years. Some men do not know how to handle us. well that all some one can email me judith_kennedy@hotmail.com

i would like to be myself again. i know it won't happen. the depression cost me my marriage of 27 years. Some men do not know how to handle us. well that all some one can email me judith_kennedy@hotmail.com

Well Winston that depends...

Me too, all my life, and only diagnosed in mid-years. That depends on how long the chasm of depression brutalizes the mind/body/soul. I was utterly untreatable for six years, and I entirely lost all of me.

My spiritual life was a celestial and consuming avocation during the mania years. I soared and wrote for publication in the "World of Ideas". (All very bipolar, as confirmed by Kay Refield Jamison.)

Now, though somewhat recovered, I am just retrieving what I can of my identity and livingness. I have an all-consuming amnesia - possibly not caused directly from the bipolar - but from psychiatric dysfunction of some kind triggered by bipolar disease.

Oh, I would gladly have sacrificed the Bipolar seal. I also, like you I suppose, wondered why I formerly seemed to live a life of flitting from one job or interest to another. Never to fully contribute to community in a meaningful way.

Now I am writing a book of poetry on the subjective experience of the Bipolar curse. But I will not look back, I intend to begin a Web Page on Yoga Therapy for Bipolar and will begin writing a book on the subject.

Kate Arthur

I agree heartily! If i wasnt Bipolar, im sure i would not have the subtle grasp on my art that makes it so special. i would rather be a suffering artist than a happy go lucky everyman anyday!

I was diagnosed with bp 3 years ago at 55. I was glad to know there was a respectable explantion for my life so far. Now that I'm thinking more clearly I see a pretty decent future. However, I started thinking ahead and in doing so I decided I want a do-over. I want to not leave my husband and 3yo daughter one day for a one-way trip to Canada not knowing how I would get back (to Santa Barbara). I still don't remember how I got back. I want to not leave my second husband of 20 years one day to be with my HS sweetheart. I want to not be so naive and scared that I stay in an emotionally abusive relationship that was a complete lie. I got out of that one when he died. I wish I wouldn't have spent all that money over the years so I would have something to retire with. After all that, I found out I had bp. It's taken me this long to figure out why I hurt so much. I made amends. I just want to do it over with medication.

I am working with a therapist plowing through the grief of losing the life I would have had. I am going to get through this and see the sunshine again real soon.

I'm really not having a pity party. I'm just recognizing the step and taking it.

-Kathy

Greetings to you,

I am happy to know that you have come to a good place in your life with regard to your bipolar diagnosis.  It is true that we can run circles around most "normal" people when we are feeling manic.  You also state that all it takes to come off a manic high is a bit of depression - as if this is some kind of desired state of being.  The depression that I have after a manic high is not a favorable thing for me.  I become suicidal and self-destructive and have nearly taken my life on a number of occasions. 

So, while I agree that  being diagnosed with bipolar gives us an edge over "normal" people, I would gladly trade the devastating depressions that are part and parcel of the bipolar experience for me.  What is your secret?  How does it work for  you, that you only have healing depressions?  I'd like to be able to do this.  I just don't seem to know how.

Thanks for giving me something to think about.

I don't know if I would like to be "cured" of bipolar disorder or not.  If only I could just have the hypomanic highs and none of the debilitating depression.  It seems that I am not fortunate to have medium grade depressions to go along with my manic highs.

If it were not for us the world would be a much more boring place.  I love being differentit is hard on me but none the less it is all I know.  It is all I know and it just is!!

Oh you are singing my song.

...although i know it is hard for those that live with us sometimes, i do believe it also gives them another perspective of life that they normally wouldn't perceive since most of the bp symptoms and behavior is "outside the "normal" box" of thinking,

 I know with the supportive husband i have that family support is so important or just support from another person period.

And i want ya to know that if there were a "magic pill" per say that I would not take it.....there is too much squealching of the creativity and putting us all  into that line of march, march, march to the beat of the drum in unison.....as in the Pink Floyd video of the wall per say...clone, duplicates, lack  of intuitive or inspirational works of art, somuch would be lost if there weren't those of us labeled bp out there in the world.

 I so agree with you that I am learning to live with this illness and not against it, i just know there are so many out there that wouldn't understand your sentiment AND MINE of not taking that magical cure all for it would lead us into duplication of others and so much diversity would be lost....even though the masses don't see their "do not cross lines" persay....they very much so have them and very much so label and stimatize this illness far more and completely misconstrued than need be. 

 I personally feel freed from a cage now that i have been diagnosed for 7 years now...not a long time but so many guinea pig medications and changes in methods to "help" me has led me to realize this illness is for life.

and YOU my friend have the right attitude instead of complaining and griping and stressing over having this illness we should learn to live with it and let it bring forth the creativity in so many forms that it seems to enhance.

I am so glad you posted this for there has been quite a while now that i have come to peace and terms with my illnes, now don't get me wrong there are still those scary moments and I happen to have rapid cycling mixed mood with hallucinatory and delusional tendencies ...or at least that is what they have labeled it.

Don't know if you've read any of my posts or not, but i so believe that perhaps, JUST perhaps we are a little more in tune with the ancient area of the brain, the core, the entire mirage of things our brains hold and that others  have blocked it out or don't have the genetic disposition to even understand the depths to which this illness reaches into the mind.

I so would NOT take a cure all that is for sure, for many reasons......one being i love the creativity that comes from my bp mind, i actually can get things done when manic, and yet the depression puts me down for a much needed rest however, the timing is something i definetly would change, so that i could enjoy outside life events a little more...

my mask is getting rather stretched and there are so many times i feel i HAVE to wear it just to be around others period....for they'd never understand and i often leave events early so they won't see my panic attacks, or anxiety disorder or so forth....but then again, as i said there are the definite down sides to this illness but there are also the good and positive sides of it....even though we don't march to the drummer of the masses, we are "touched with fire" and creativity an inspiration and yet it is considered unnatural and something they have to FIX>..to be honest i don't want to be fixed for MY God doesn't make mistakes and i feel that he has given me this challenge for a reason....

i think those that were harsh on you need to reflect and see that they have not come to terms with their illness and no amount of wishing or fighting is going to make it go away it is a lifetime illness..

...a lifetime endurance, and together, TOGETHER we can all make it through this mucky world of cloned ideas and someone else's idea of proper behavior.....we are unique and we are the dreamers of the dreams, and yes, it is hard on those that live with us at times, but if they are educated on the illnesss and they are truly involved in the support process there are ways they too can understand it to the best of anyone's ability for i dothink it is a mysterious illness that is for sure.

But i want to THANK YOU for posting this great question.....and thank you for your POSITIVE atttude....we so need that in our lives from others who suffer and from others who don't....you are singing my song when you posted this.....i so agree with you and hope that you continue to post such positive shares on here..

I am so glad to meet you and if you ever want to discuss this more in depth please feel free to email me.

Your amazing to keep such a great attitude, something we ALL could learn from, acceptance....just like we want from others....must come from ourselves first!!!
Loved the post!!!
hope to hear from you soon!!

ctrygirl

Yes, I find that I am am content these days, more than I had thought was possible before I was diagnosed a few years ago. I have experienced many of the same emotions as you, wondering why I behaved a certain way. Now I don't need a lot of excitement. I am neither high, nor low, but just in between and that's all right.

After reading through most of the comments I realise that, overall, it's not a case of a cure being either good or bad. Some people seem to get a lot more out of their bipolar than others. I'm 99.9% depressed for every 0.1% manic, so bipolarity holds no excitement for me. While I'm glad to be able to put a name to this ... "thing," I don't want to be defined by it. My heart rather says: "Great, can we get rid of it now?"

Many bipolar folks aren't quite so lucking. many of us find addictions in many forms to numb the moods and feel, what, nothing pretty well. Others kill themselves, lose families, lose jobs, lose themselves in very real ways. My guess would be that you take some meds of some kind so that you can lead a productive life. i know i take a handful each day. some days i pray for them, others  i hate them.

Same with bipolar some days i miss those creative, energetic, i can do anything highs. But i don't miss the debilitating depression when absolutely nothing made sense or mattered.

I do understand that need to be what you are. the world still holds its grudges against mental disease though.

It's an interesting discussion

I would change being bipolar in a half a second I have been bipolar for my whole life even in childhood, and it was only 7 years ago till Doctors figured it out. I have tried to kill myself 4 times I have spent alot of time in the hospital. and I have spent many years hiding in my bed. But there has been alot of highs to go along with that but again I used sex like a tool, and I have spent $1OOO'S of dollars on shopping days. And right now I am on the vurge of losing my husband of 27 years because I did it again [ spent $ 7000 in the past 4 weeks, and we just built a house on lake Saint Clair and we can not afford to keep it if I continue to spend money. I have one more chance and then we will sell our dream house and get a divorse [ we are a average couple don't have money or great jobs in fact I have been on disabilty for 6 years so we really live paycheck to paycheck. So too not go through the up and downs through my life would  make me very happy.