Bipolarism comes with gifts.  There's sensitivity, compassion, and tremendous creativity.  I believe people are exactly who they need to be.  As far as treatment, we have our son on the lowest dose to control his rages but it doesn't change who he is.  I hated it when he was on the antipsychotic.  It surpressed everything and made him want to sleep all of the time.  There has to be a happy medium with everything.  We couldn't continue to let him feel suicidal.  That is an extremely dangerous place to be.  The hypomania makes him happy.  I'd rather see him a lil on the up side then anywhere close to the down side.  I'm very glad you're at peace with yourself and hope that he'll feel that some day.

BiPoPastor

7/ 1/08 2:30pm

HopefullMom,

 

I pray that your son's condition stabilizes. I honestly think it is much nore difficult to be with someone Bipolar than to actually have the illness. Your son is very fortunate to have someone that cares like you do.

 

Since 1975, I have had 18 different careers (not just jobs, but careers!), participated in various extreme sports, spent a year climbing in Yosemite with ZERO training, been lost in the wilds of Canada, spent thousands of $$ that I didn't have and moved many times at the drop of a hat. (I have lost thousands of $$ in deposits)

 

Years ago I borrowed money from five different financial institutions in one day, illegally. (This was before information could be accessed instantly through the computer) I travelled cross country, in the winter, in a 1956 Willeys Jeep with no heat, and that would only go 30 miles an hour due to a bad shimmy. I've done and/or witnessed a number of other things that I don't dare mention, since the statue of limitations on these don't expire.

 

I mention these things because they were controlled by my illness. Now since I am medicated I can look back and see what happened, and the things I did. The meds, I guess you could say, hold me at bay. And since the meds do work, and restrain me a little, it proves that I was, and am Bipolar.

 

Again, your son is one fortunate guy, since he has a person (or people) that is/are willing to take control of his treatment until he is well enough to do it himself.

 

One final note: If my family had a mantra, it was, "Don't worry, everything will be alright". My parents are wonderful people and, if they are guilty of anything, it would be loving and protecting me too much. I went through my entire life thinking this was true. So, doing drugs and drinking were no bigg deal, since no matter what I did, everything would be ok.

 

When I was 34 years old, having been divorced, remarried, and paying child support on one son, I was behind a little on my child support. My ex-wife and I had made an arrangement for me to get caught up, so I wasn't worried. Shortly afterwards, I received a certified letter in the mail from the court, stating that since I was behind, they were going to garnish my wages FOREVER! I was furious, and went through the house like a whirlwind.

 

Finally, in tears and exhausted, I stopped and told my new wife that this wasn't fair. It was at this point that I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life, something I had never been taught. She gently cupped my face in her hands, drew me close, and said, very calmly, "Whoever told you that life was fair?"

 

That hit me like a ton of bricks! I honestly never knew that. It was near this point in time that I was diagnosed, and began that long journey to get the right mix of meds and therapy to bring the disorder under control. (By the way, that took 12 years) Since we are all different, we respond differently to the meds. That's why finding the right combination takes a while.

 

I have also had four series of ECT treatment. I have found that about every 2-3 years, this becomes necessary. It is an interesting experience, not really unpleasant and relatively painless.

 

I am sorry, but I am an Ultradian Bipolar, meaning that my cycles can occur frequently within a 24 hour period. As a point of reference, I am now mildly manic, as you might be able to detect by how this letter floats from topic to topic.

 

God bless you, and you are one great mom!!!

 

Winston C. Smith

Hopeful mom

7/ 1/08 2:59pm

It's tough parenting a child like this, but it has it's rewards.  He needs me in a way my daughter never really has.  I'm walking a fine line between supporting him and trying to make him independent.  I'm holding him up but am trying to teach him to take responsibility for it.  We won't allow drugs or drinking and he knows this.  I don't just put my foot down about it.  I talk to him.  I tell him why it's not a good idea for him.  I'm hoping the lessons we teach him now will follow him in his life.  I'm getting him used to talking to his doctors and being aware of his moods.  I do what I can so that when my lil bird flies away, he knows exactly what to do and when to ask for help.  Mostly, I'm praying a whole lot.  I'm praying for his continued stability and for the wisdom and the strength to deal with a lifetime rollercoaster.  I want him to enjoy the highs and learn to get through the lows.  I want him to use his gifts to their full advantage.  I want him to know he's loved and that we will always be there when he's not so strong.

I do believe God gives us these kids for a reason.  They teach us all about unconditional love and what it means to really be a parent.

BiPoPastor

7/ 1/08 3:16pm

amen ...................

judith kennedy

7/ 3/08 12:50pm

why don't you email me winston? need someone to talk to.....

Way to go Mr. Smith!  I like your spirit very much!  Pam

I would, in a heartbeat, shed this demon -- if anyone feels there is any reason to cling onto the torrid, tangled misery of the shifting mania and dark doldrums of this desease, I would check in again.  Maybe you haven't paid enough attention to those whom you abused, those close to you who were the object of your transference and rage, withdrawl and derision.

If of course, they are still with you, and still sharing your madness, you might ask them how hard were you, and are you to live with -- you might find it's like a woman explaining birth to a male -- they can't begin to share the pain they've suffered because of you and your disease.

Yes, it is good to continue to hold onto those rare, fleeting periods of stability, pretend that this is who you 'really' are, ignore the harsh, contrasting, and often irratiional 'other side' and be satisfied with yourself, but that doesn't make you either well, or even a reasonable being to live with. 

Many times I have asked the question to those that love me, and they all wish I weren't ill, angry and moody, rageful and withdrawn.  They know I am an emotional changling, fragile yet nasty and mean, calm then enraged, sullen then overjoyed, empowered and on top or spiraling into the pit of depression -- and they hurt, much like I hurt for the never-ending drudgery of living and loving in a marginal relationship with a time bomb. 

I am so humbled by how much my family and friends care for me and how, in kind, I repay them with my complexity, confusion, and instability -- sobering.

Yes, I accept who I am and have fashioned a fairly reasonable existence, considering I have managed to survive for sixty years with this 'condition'.  But I will never minimize the degree to which this sickness has altered my personality, deprived me of pleasures and lured me into the deep holes of depression and seduced me with suicidal ideation.  I must be real and never second guess where my mind will wander, always alert to the triiggers in relationships and constantly vigilant for the little queues of cycling and yet another onset of mania or depression.

I am doing as well as anyone, chemical (every drug know to mankind and ECT) and talk therapy and ongoing cognaitve behavioral adjustment, and I wouldn't want to start living all over again, but yes, I could have done without this so-called BiPolar disorder.

katysara

7/ 4/08 2:35pm

I am, at this time, so very, very tired, that I do not have the energy to respond in full - but this guy above me kinda said it all for me. Sure I have many achievements, but so many more losses. My life has been stolen from me. I am 33, been bipolar all my life, and pretty much at the end of what I can tolerate. I don't expect to live to a ripe old age. Getting to the end of this year would be an achievement.

 

KSx

I agree heartily! If i wasnt Bipolar, im sure i would not have the subtle grasp on my art that makes it so special. i would rather be a suffering artist than a happy go lucky everyman anyday!

William Malo

7/ 3/08 10:50pm

Sorry but, you romantic f%%k, I am a mastered fine artist, a mastered architect and I will tell you that your deluded sense of acomplishment. the surviving artist, is only proprtional to your failures -- if you aren't in love... you are dead spiritually.  You seem to be in some sort of denial -- that is a tough space to move out of...

Andrew Mura

7/ 4/08 1:04pm

it really helped my realize my gifts at this time, that i am emotionally healthy and free of my past bitterness is such a blessing. i can only wish the same for you. as far as my belief that suffering is a catalyst for evolution, i think your years in school may have blinded you to the nature of art that arisies from experience, and not from studying the work of others and imitating.  your implied opinion that you are more successful than me due to your degrees strikes me as justification of effort and your judgement of me as a failure without ever seeing my work just comes off as bitter, jealous and hateful, and disregards the tennant it might be healthier for you to practice that one person's suffering or achievement cannot be compared to anothers, as our experiences are entirely unique. i only pray that one day you could embrace this, as i am sure it will help you reign in some of that bitterness and jealousy of the success of others.

Andrew

William Malo

7/ 4/08 2:04pm

You're welcome, but you further miss the point and even contradict your initial comment lauding this sickness as essential to the success of your creative process.  There is nothing so far from the truth that mania and depression are prerequisite for art-making.  It is also sad that you seem to think education blinds the artist and renders the individual an imposter -- sad comment, thoughtless at best.

All art arises from experience.

All art is unique to the individual.

Not all art is derived from suffering.

There was no implication that you are a failure, just the suggestion that you, like myself and every one else experience failures.  There is no intended comparison, nor is there any hateful reproach intended and the bitterness you suggest is merely your own projection.  I only stated my credentials because I detected a irrational pretense.

I don't need your prayers, nor do I need your approval.  Just be certain you avoid making statements which sound brash and arrogant.  Do you really believe that your work has merit beyond those unfettered with this illness?

 

one person's suffering or achievement cannot be compared to anothers

 

Yet you argue you are superior to the 'normal and/or ordinary' healthy mind.  Absurd.

 

 

katysara

7/ 4/08 2:41pm

It is a medical fact, shown in many research studies, that bipolar people are NOT creative when manic. They just think they are. Most creativity that is of value takes place when a person is euthymic (neither manic nor depressed). Hypomania might contribute to getting jobs done because of the energy, but your best work will be done when you are yourself, not ill. Mania = being ill.

 

I dunno, maybe you just don't get as manic or depressed as I do, because if you did, I don't think you would be celebrating the fact.

 

KSx

Andrew Mura

7/ 4/08 3:35pm

so i am thoughtless, irrational, brash, and arrogant.  Indeed! im in the right place to work on those issues dont you think? thanks for the heads up!

William Malo

7/ 4/08 4:45pm

Maybe you are --  know I am...

Why are you so defensive?

 

William Malo

7/ 4/08 4:58pm

Absolutley on the right track.  The mania we experience does more to compromise our progress than enhance our abilities, so why does this myth continue to be accepted?

 

Go off your meds and your in the psyche ward, definitely deluded or dead.  No more funny notions that the diseased mind offers some worm hole into brilliant accomplishment -- it doesn't.  You are brilliant because you simply are or you are a dullard because you are -- both acceptable in my book.

 

Please consider the simple premise -- we are not well.  We have an imbalance in our psyche that distorts our continuum.  We go up and down unlke no others and that does not make us any more proficient than any of those 'normal people'.

BiPoPastor

7/ 4/08 5:50pm

One more thing ... after your post:

 

Sorry but, you romantic f%%k, I am a mastered fine artist, a mastered architect and I will tell you that your deluded sense of acomplishment. the surviving artist, is only proprtional to your failures -- if you aren't in love... you are dead spiritually.  You seem to be in some sort of denial -- that is a tough space to move out of...

 

... i think you have given up the right to be critical of anyone whom you deem "narcicistic". Looks to me like you have that prize wrapped up.

 

WC

William Malo

7/ 4/08 7:04pm

I am simply making a point -- to think that this disease is a privledge and therefore should be thought of as such is idiocy.  You are not helping anyone by perpetuating a myth.  Your defensive posture suggests that you are unwillng to to think outside of your box.  Give me a break -- own a bit of this and accept the fact that this whole thread is not going to benifit anyone -- your self indulgence doesn't help those who are struggling to secure a foothole with this disease.  Why can't you see you offer false promise.  Do you wish to encourage egocentric behavior?  This is a serious psychological disorder we share -- why do you choose to minmize it?

William Malo

7/ 4/08 7:08pm

non-sequitor

you should be able to grasp this concept.

BiPoPastor

7/ 5/08 12:18am

Just because you say it's so doesn't make it so. Bipolar is a chronic disorder, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can be comfortable with who we are. I've dealt with people like you before; raise themselves up by criticizing others. I tire of our conversations.

Persis

3/12/10 9:49pm

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Oh you are singing my song.

...although i know it is hard for those that live with us sometimes, i do believe it also gives them another perspective of life that they normally wouldn't perceive since most of the bp symptoms and behavior is "outside the "normal" box" of thinking,

 I know with the supportive husband i have that family support is so important or just support from another person period.

And i want ya to know that if there were a "magic pill" per say that I would not take it.....there is too much squealching of the creativity and putting us all  into that line of march, march, march to the beat of the drum in unison.....as in the Pink Floyd video of the wall per say...clone, duplicates, lack  of intuitive or inspirational works of art, somuch would be lost if there weren't those of us labeled bp out there in the world.

 I so agree with you that I am learning to live with this illness and not against it, i just know there are so many out there that wouldn't understand your sentiment AND MINE of not taking that magical cure all for it would lead us into duplication of others and so much diversity would be lost....even though the masses don't see their "do not cross lines" persay....they very much so have them and very much so label and stimatize this illness far more and completely misconstrued than need be. 

 I personally feel freed from a cage now that i have been diagnosed for 7 years now...not a long time but so many guinea pig medications and changes in methods to "help" me has led me to realize this illness is for life.

and YOU my friend have the right attitude instead of complaining and griping and stressing over having this illness we should learn to live with it and let it bring forth the creativity in so many forms that it seems to enhance.

I am so glad you posted this for there has been quite a while now that i have come to peace and terms with my illnes, now don't get me wrong there are still those scary moments and I happen to have rapid cycling mixed mood with hallucinatory and delusional tendencies ...or at least that is what they have labeled it.

Don't know if you've read any of my posts or not, but i so believe that perhaps, JUST perhaps we are a little more in tune with the ancient area of the brain, the core, the entire mirage of things our brains hold and that others  have blocked it out or don't have the genetic disposition to even understand the depths to which this illness reaches into the mind.

I so would NOT take a cure all that is for sure, for many reasons......one being i love the creativity that comes from my bp mind, i actually can get things done when manic, and yet the depression puts me down for a much needed rest however, the timing is something i definetly would change, so that i could enjoy outside life events a little more...

my mask is getting rather stretched and there are so many times i feel i HAVE to wear it just to be around others period....for they'd never understand and i often leave events early so they won't see my panic attacks, or anxiety disorder or so forth....but then again, as i said there are the definite down sides to this illness but there are also the good and positive sides of it....even though we don't march to the drummer of the masses, we are "touched with fire" and creativity an inspiration and yet it is considered unnatural and something they have to FIX>..to be honest i don't want to be fixed for MY God doesn't make mistakes and i feel that he has given me this challenge for a reason....

i think those that were harsh on you need to reflect and see that they have not come to terms with their illness and no amount of wishing or fighting is going to make it go away it is a lifetime illness..

...a lifetime endurance, and together, TOGETHER we can all make it through this mucky world of cloned ideas and someone else's idea of proper behavior.....we are unique and we are the dreamers of the dreams, and yes, it is hard on those that live with us at times, but if they are educated on the illnesss and they are truly involved in the support process there are ways they too can understand it to the best of anyone's ability for i dothink it is a mysterious illness that is for sure.

But i want to THANK YOU for posting this great question.....and thank you for your POSITIVE atttude....we so need that in our lives from others who suffer and from others who don't....you are singing my song when you posted this.....i so agree with you and hope that you continue to post such positive shares on here..

I am so glad to meet you and if you ever want to discuss this more in depth please feel free to email me.

Your amazing to keep such a great attitude, something we ALL could learn from, acceptance....just like we want from others....must come from ourselves first!!!
Loved the post!!!
hope to hear from you soon!!

ctrygirl