Hate my Life

Do you ever just get really tired of pretending and admit you hate your life?  But there's not a damn thing you can do about it!  Days come and go and nothing ever improves.  It's just the same crap over and over and over......I'm at the point that I don't really care if I EVER take my med's again.  I can only do so much in my relationship I can't carry it all  on my shoulders.  I'm so tired of it all....it's really hard for me right now to not cut, not to take a pair of tweezers and start plucking one hair at a time out of my head.  I just want to run down the street screaming at the top of my lungs like the crazy person I'm feeling like right now.  I have no-one to talk to...I have friends...but they don't want to talk about what I'm going through...they have their own idea of what Bipolar is, and don't seem to think I know what it really is.  Isn't that a BIG kick in the ass?  I guess it's still suppose to stay a dirty little secret even now...is this one of those Don't ask..Don't tell kind of things?  Or is it they are afraid of finding out just what kind of life I really live?  If they only knew how strong of a person I really am!  I'm really not sure why I go to bed at night just to get up the next day..just to do it all over again.  Take my morning pill so I can make it to the afternoon pill only to make it to the bedtime pills....for what??  It reminds me of the thing we use to say as kids..."Pete and Repeat were sitting on the fence...Pete fell off and who was Left?...Repeat....Who's the Insanes here?  Is it the drug makers...here let me help you live a really LONG miserable life.

I know this will pass...but I don't know if I want to let it pass...just to fester up all over again in a few days.  I'm 53 years old, when is it my turn to start enjoying life?  I've done my penence...let someone else take it over for awhile.  I pray...and have faith in GOD...but my faith is running really thin more times than not these days.

My thinking is to not takes my meds for atleast a week, and see if my husband figures it out...his only response will be....maybe you should ask the doctor for more meds.  It's his only response when I can't seem to contant this ugly monster deep inside myself...Well DAMNIT  I'm tired of doing it....maybe if I let it out...it will leave and take up residence somewhere else and finally leave me alone.  Or maybe I'll just start babbling like an idiot and never be able to stop...OH Nurse Ratchett..we have a new patient checking in...LOL  You can check in But you can Never Leave...OMG  I'm quoting movies and music...you can tell what I do with my life...UGH!  Netflix is such a wondeful thing to have..I love it!

I'm going to go lay down for awhile...maybe take a sleeping pill...maybe I'm not getting enough sleep...or crossing my eyes the right way...or sitting the right way...or talking the right way...or explaining myself the right way...or laughing the right way....or eating the right way....There really must be something I'm not doing the right way...it has to be ME thats doing something wrong RIGHT?  It's not possible that it's someone else who's at fault in this life I live..why does it have to always be the one with Bipolar...maybe if I look long and hard into the mirror for a reallllllly longgggg timeeeee I will see it.  Or maybe I will see me crying and not be able to stop the tears.