Hate my Life

Written by

Mon, November 09, 2009

Do you ever just get really tired of pretending and admit you hate your life? But there's not a damn thing you can do about it! Days come and go and nothing ever improves. It's just the same crap over and over and over......I'm at the point that I don't really care if I EVER take my med's again. I can only do so much in my relationship I can't carry it all on my shoulders. I'm so tired of it all....it's really hard for me right now to not cut, not to take a pair of tweezers and start plucking one hair at a time out of my head. I just want to run down the street screaming at the top of my lungs like the crazy person I'm feeling like right now. I have no-one to talk to...I have friends...but they don't want to talk about what I'm going through...they have their own idea of what Bipolar is, and don't seem to think I know what it really is. Isn't that a BIG kick in the ass? I guess it's still suppose to stay a dirty little secret even now...is this one of those Don't ask..Don't tell kind of things? Or is it they are afraid of finding out just what kind of life I really live? If they only knew how strong of a person I really am! I'm really not sure why I go to bed at night just to get up the next day..just to do it all over again. Take my morning pill so I can make it to the afternoon pill only to make it to the bedtime pills....for what?? It reminds me of the thing we use to say as kids..."Pete and Repeat were sitting on the fence...Pete fell off and who was Left?...Repeat....Who's the Insanes here? Is it the drug makers...here let me help you live a really LONG miserable life.

I know this will pass...but I don't know if I want to let it pass...just to fester up all over again in a few days. I'm 53 years old, when is it my turn to start enjoying life? I've done my penence...let someone else take it over for awhile. I pray...and have faith in GOD...but my faith is running really thin more times than not these days.

My thinking is to not takes my meds for atleast a week, and see if my husband figures it out...his only response will be....maybe you should ask the doctor for more meds. It's his only response when I can't seem to contant this ugly monster deep inside myself...Well DAMNIT I'm tired of doing it....maybe if I let it out...it will leave and take up residence somewhere else and finally leave me alone. Or maybe I'll just start babbling like an idiot and never be able to stop...OH Nurse Ratchett..we have a new patient checking in...LOL You can check in But you can Never Leave...OMG I'm quoting movies and music...you can tell what I do with my life...UGH! Netflix is such a wondeful thing to have..I love it!

I'm going to go lay down for awhile...maybe take a sleeping pill...maybe I'm not getting enough sleep...or crossing my eyes the right way...or sitting the right way...or talking the right way...or explaining myself the right way...or laughing the right way....or eating the right way....There really must be something I'm not doing the right way...it has to be ME thats doing something wrong RIGHT? It's not possible that it's someone else who's at fault in this life I live..why does it have to always be the one with Bipolar...maybe if I look long and hard into the mirror for a reallllllly longgggg timeeeee I will see it. Or maybe I will see me crying and not be able to stop the tears.

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tabby

11/ 9/09 8:37pm

I'm sorry you are having a bad go of it nonethewiser

I'm very sorry and I hear ya... I do

phantom

11/10/09 4:54pm

since the age of 5 i dont whant to be part of this world,so i dont no what i am doing here.meds no meds,who are they kidding,they seem to work and they dont seem to work,we leave in a big illusion,but every day i try to cope whit life,the small thing i do keep me alive so i know what its like to live in a assylum,i hope the best to all of you

Anonymous

11/10/09 3:18pm

this may not sound nice, but I am so glad to hear someone else dealing with the same issues - I just want to walk away from my life

nonethewiser

11/10/09 7:43pm

Thanks everyone for your comments..and hope to hear more. Yesterday was a really crappy day..but this doesn't change the way I feel everyday. This morning was just alittle easier to get up and go on with life. I know I usually always put a positive spin on everything...I was just so fustrated. What made today any different...not a damn thing....but hey I guess I'm just not ready to crawl into the hole and cover myself up. So I cleaned the bathroom (it was getting beyond dirty) by myself. I cleaned the bedroom..again by myself. Cooked dinner...by myself...Yet I'm not the only person living in this house. I did go practice with the ladies on my billiards team...we have our first tourney on thursday. Did I want to?.....no, I would have rathered stayed home and let the depression swallowed me up......I think it's going to be a very longggg winter, and I am going to have alot of problems with seasonal depression this year.

I'm tired of keeping all this bottled up...so if you don't mind I think I will be sharing my bitching sessions on here....just please don't let me influence your depression. If I get to be such a downer....just tell me to KNOCK it off!!! Love to all my family here on BipolarConnect!

nonethewiser

11/10/09 7:45pm

P.S....I didn't stop my meds...that would just be to easy...and I never do anything EASY!

tabby

11/10/09 8:24pm

that which in life is most important is never easy nonethewiser

but the process and struggle we go through is so much worth it

or at least, I try to tell myself that nearly everyday cause it sure ain't easy

I'm glad today was better and I'm glad that you went to the Billards practice even though you didn't want to... I think John and Jerry would say you were using "Cognitive" techniques....

nonethewiser

11/10/09 9:43pm

Tabby my life would not be the same without you in it...Thanks so much for caring!

Eric

11/12/09 5:30am

You might want to stop feeling sorry for yourself!

Before you jump the gun...I take meds three times a day for bipolarism...have good and bad days (more good days with keeping busy)and have dealt with the illness for years on both sides of the coin.

I used to be the sad sack always focusing on my illness. Seemed that was all I wanted to talk about with family and friends and I was so wrapped up with my illness that I failed to ask how they were doing and they got tired of hearing me moan and grown all the time. I too expected others to at least know what I was going through...but how could they with never experiencing the illness first hand?

My grandfather used to say when you really feel you have it bad, just take a good look around and you will find someone much worse off still trying their best.

My secret? Stop focusing on myself and actually interested in others and what their going through, staying busy and falling into a heap at night, taking my medications as prescribed and talking with my pdoc when necessary and lastly....being thankful for what I have and making the best of it.

nonethewiser

11/12/09 9:25am

Wow a person is having a really bad day in their life of bipolarism...and you tell them to stop feeling sorry for themselves. I never feel sorry for myself. I'm just tired of putting everyone before myself. For once in my life I would like to be number one. So I have the right to say I hate my life and want to rebel about everything, to have a pitty party all by myself if I want to. After writing about my Crappy life, as usual I picked myself back up, dusted myself off...and got on with life.

So from now on I will keep my feelings to myself on here. By the way...are you sure your Bipolar? You sound like all the other Ignorant people out there in the world...Stop feeling sorry for myself?

Well Eric....I hope you have a great day....Unless you have other plans!

Eric

11/13/09 4:20am

Hey Nutter....

You have known me how many years here posting? I think 3 or 4 not sure, but I have never held any punches nor tried to sugar coat anything.

Yes you are allowed to throw your own pity party but don't expect others to join in. The problem develops with the pity parties go from days to weeks and then months at a time. I should know...I threw some really great ones only comparable to Woodstock.

Look, having the illness is grueling at times to say the least. It takes us at the knee caps and we land flat on our faces only to try and rise above it again. It become groundhog day with a vengeance. It's easy to give up and not try for fear of landing face first again...but we do because there is a life other than just being bipolar.

It sounded to me as if you were in one of those places where you needed a swift kick in the ass to get you going again and to be a fighter which you are. The key is finding something to keep you busy even if it is only answering questions here on the board.

Feel free to kick me in the ass if you see the same!

Susan Grall

11/16/09 1:02pm

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like I use to (just pretending and telling my family what "they" wanted to hear). I just started taking meds for bipolar and yes it's tough to take but I know more people who have their lives back versus your circumstances. You sound really depressed with no hope.

Have you spoken to your Dr. about this? Have you honestly talked to the Lord. You have to want this normal life and fight for it. But, it is not just going to happen you have your own work to do as well and getting rid of the stinking thinking is hard but needs to happen. The Power of Positive is was of the greatest books I have ever read and it is Bible based. I don't know you but I will pray for you and your good mental health.

In Christ,

Susan

Wendy Love

12/ 4/09 11:38am

I could have written most of that post! You are not alone!

The only thing that keeps me going is the decision to not give up. I will try a new drug, a new strategy, a change in routine, a new website, attempt for some new attitudes (with the Lord's help) or just rest until the really rotten stuff passes a bit, if it ever does.

Or I may call a friend (in my case my sister) with whom I can let loose and let it all out, purging myself of some of the negative thoughts.

Or I go to my 'feel good' list, (which isn't really written but I know it by heart) and do something on the list that I am able to do, such as a hot bath, a cup of tea, a visit with a caring friend with whom I feel safe.

There are some ideas if you are up to ideas. Some days are so bad we just have to wait for them to pass and say when we close our eyes for the night "I survived another bad one. Maybe tomorrow will be better."

Don't give up, I'm praying for you!

Hate my Life

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