After my complete melt down on Christmas morning...my husband finally heard me!  I gave him my journal to read, and this is what he wrote to me.

27 Dec 2009

We just completed another year together, 33 in the book.  I'm not sure how many days, week, and months that is for sure.  I do know how tough it's been.  My only job now is to make our life better.  To start this new life, don't ever loose this book.  The first pages are very important to us, or at least to me.  I can't change these things or give you back time...I don't really want to.  This has been a very important learning tool.  I've learned that not drinking and going to church are great things in my life.  I have outside interest, which help me throught the day, but they are nothing really without my best friend.  I have problems that need to be corrected hour by hour, and day by day.  It will not be an over night fix.  Last night we got started...I think.  Somehow, I or we stopped working on us.  Big Mistake...huge....I once said " whatever it takes" four words for I love you.  I'm still that person and the promise is as strong today as ever.  I promise to keep my head on right and move forward to correct the many mistakes I have made.  Will I be perfect, oh I hope so.  But I know I won't be perfect.  I will try to make life better for us.  Please be there for me and I will be there for you.  Keep trying...don't stop trying....life is to short to quit.  I hope this message brings a smile or sunshine into the very dark places you've been living.  Come out and spread your winds.  Let us fly away together.  Lets keep it growing by looking to the future and studing the past.  Save the good and throw out the bad....Love is a great blessing not many people find.  I have mine and I do so much want to keep it alive and well.  (blink twice for YES)

Here is my reply.

I blinked twice, but your at the ballfield.  I will try to remember to blink twice when you get back home.

Yes I did smile, I want you to smile also.

I'm far from being perfect, but I do my best to show you how much I love you and what you mean to me.

Also you need to know that I had every intentsion of taking my life after the first of the year.  I made my plans, this is why I showed you where things were.  So yes I was going somewhere.

I understand that life isn't perfect, that we aren't perfect.  I just need to know that I'm love and needed.  If we have this to give to each other, then who could ask or want more.

My bipolar is such a scary thing to have to live with.  The are so many dark corners.  Every time I find a light switch to flip, I fine the bulb burnt out.  Sometimes it stays lite and just when you think your safe, it turns into a train.  I start running, afraid to look behind me.  Because I know that the monster is breathing down my neck.