it's funny. when i first logged into this site months ago, i stated i had recovered from bipolar disorder. and i honestly thought i had. but i'm not wondering whether you can ever really recover from bipolar disorder.

i'm not meaning to be cynical; it's just that bipolar is inherently a cyclical illness. our moods (and with them our perceptions, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors) cycle from the manic peak highs to the lowest depressive lows, with very little time spent in what others describe as the "normal" range of mood. and we accept these mood cycles because we know nothing else. to others, our moods are extreme. to us, it is normal. and treatment often is scary because it means leaving behind our certainty to pursue lifestyles recommended by others that we just don't understand.

i work as a mental health therapist in a community mental health center. none of my co-workers or clients know (and i don't don't suspect) my "secret." not because i would be embarassed, but because stigma still exists and many people will stoop to incredible lows to mudsling and badmouth in order to get ahead. sad, but true.

yet, one year ago, to keep up with my "normal" co-workers, i began to consume various energy drinks. the claim is that you maintain high levels of energy and thus remain efficient and productive. but the lure is that, for the bipolar individual, each can contains a few hours of manic-like activity. my mania returned, controlled by the ticking clock that waned as each drop of energy drink was processed through my body. and when the effect was gone, i would crash into a depression.

my solution? to drink more energy drinks, of course! the obsession increased (a true addiction) until, three weeks ago i was consuming two 20-24 ounce cans of varous energy drinks each day. i would return home only to crash, fall asleep, and wake up the following morning to again begin my daily habit.

and what it took me a year to realize was this: the energy drinks had stolen my stability. gone was the calm, assertive, smiling, peaceful, clear-minded therapist. in her place was an unstable, crying, unhappy girl who wasn't sleeping well and had gained almost 30 pounds within a year (not solely due to energy drinks, but their effect on my eating habits can't be ignored). i wasn't eating right. wasn't exercising. wasn't sleeping well. was being manipulative to others. poor insight. my unstable bipolar alter ego with acute symptoms had returned, and i was none the wise.

my relevation didn't coincide with the new year's resolution movement, but my unhappiness did. my solutuion? three weeks ago i discontinued all energy drinks, caffeine, and alcohol (i wasn't a big drinker to begin with, but i included alcohol in my prohibition as a 'what the heck' kind of thought). what i got was four days of migraines, irritability, and fatigue. what my mind and body got after those four days was a new beginning. gone was the manic lure, but in its place was stability and peace of mind.