People with Bipolar and their Partners: How to figth with stigma

By ulja Saturday, April 25, 2009

- A
- A
- A

I have Bipolar II and my boyfriend also has it. I want to share each other's stories here when we come with prejudice in any area of our lives either because we have Bipolar or our spouse or partner does.

So, my most painful experince was when I naively believed that people in my future proffesion, psychology, would not look at you with that look when you say "bipolar" or constantly ask you "if you are ok."

I am a PhD student in clinical psychology, and my most painful experience was to share it with my group supervision, it just came out. AFTER THAT i FELT LIKE IT WAS AN INTERROGATION OF ME instead of getting help, feedback, or anything about one of my clients. Do I take meds? Am I in therapy?

I was so hurt because I deeply believed that when I reach this level of education, others there will know better. I learned the hard way. I am more cautious now with who to share.

And I hate when doctors seeing your meds, look at you like they want to dissect you mentally, even if you are there, for instance, for back ache.

Even when someone finds out that my bf has Bipolar, they automatically pity me and stigmatize me as "why would I date somebody with BP?" when they don't know I have it too.

So, how have you experienced it? Hearing others helps not to feel alone in this.

To add, one of my fights against stigma became public. I have to do a research study for my PhD study, so of course I chose Bipolar. For this first research I want to hear opinions of people who are married or living with people with Bipolar. If you can help me in this way, I will also appreciate it. My study is on http://psyresearch.org/bipolar and the password is bipolar3

Comments (11) | Add comment

Eric

4/25/09 5:43am

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm,

My gut feelings are that you are a psych major looking to do a research paper and trying to figure out how to get information on this topic.

If you had done your research you would have found that the majority of people in that field are there for one of two reasons...1 - They themselves have been afflicted with a form of mental illness ranging from depression to bipolarism or 2 - They personally know or took care of someone that was.

So my guess is that you feel the group supervisor was lacking in sympathy by asking you those pointed questions. If you were standing in front of me and felt the need to express that you were bipolar...I would have the same response and I am bipolar. The only thing lacking in the questioning is...are you getting enough sleep and eating ok?

Yes of course there still is a stigma attached to our illness, but I would not toss the supervisor under the bus just yet by asking those questions. As to the information your looking for...look through the archives here and you will find the answers your after. I would also look for studies already completed and and correctly give credit to their work studies in this area.

ulja

4/25/09 12:08pm

Hi, Eric!

I fel hurt by your response. You stigmatize my knowledge about Bipolar Disorder, and think that I tossed the supervisor under the bus. How do you even know? How do you know what people in mental health proffesion are really there for?

Go ahead, give me looks when you hear I have Bipolar, you just another person who proves my point.

Maybe, you have been hurt a lot, and my post offended you in some way, I'm sorry for that but please don't judge me.

12/16/10 10:52pm

When I had a 'break down' last year I was told that I had bi polar. There was a stigma, but also empathy (What stigma theoriests may term as 'blameless stigma'). This has shifted since I have been diagnsed instead as having 'borderline personality disorder'. I feel that I am looked upon as being a 'villain', a trouble maker, and that I have 'chosen' to develop certain symptoms (what stigma theorists may term a 'blameworthy stigma'). Even my own partner has internalised this stigma. His attitude towards me changed from being empathic to judgemental after speaking with 'professionals'. After a recent argument (on the same day as a doctor appointment in which he asked about my condition) he told me that he didnt want to be with 'someone like me'. He was very cold towards me as though I was no longer human. He went on to say "you know what my doctor tells me about people like you??? She says that people with bpd are just like 2 year olds! You just need to grow up!". The empathy etc had all gone- he had been 'contaminated' by the prejudice of 'professionals'. I have not spoken to him since. I dont want to be around people who judge me. The ironic thing is, that when I met him he was heavily into speed, and is now a recovering addict. I have never judged him for that and when counsellors etc have told me I 'deserve better' than him, I have felt outraged at thier stigmatising him! I guess I know how to think for myself- unfortunately, some people are just led by the majority. In his last phone call to me, I answered by asking him to leave me alone, to which he replied, no, you leave me alone, dont come near me etc etc etc- I feel as though he is almost trying to stir me up to 'create' borderline behaviour. But no, depite my fears of abandonment coming true, I wont give him the satisfaction of acting out.

tabby

4/25/09 8:59am

You don't focus a study on a subject unless it truly interests you, you are overly curious, or it hits way close if not precisely at home. Your psychology supervisor would be remiss to not - after learning of your Bipolar Disorder - ask you those questions. He/she is supposedly a professional. However, I do understand what you mean by others in the field who question and treat you perhaps differently.

I've worked in the MH field for the last 5 years (not clinical) and was diagnosed with Bipolar 3 years ago. The clinic where I worked, the PhD there advised me strongly to go to the hospital and so I went voluntarily. I found out later that all of the clinical staff had been discussing me for sometime behind doors and in team meetings but they all decided to wait to see if I'd come to one of them for help. I guess I did.

Once they found out that I was diagnosed with Bipolar (because the director was very nosy & read a form I had to complete for HR & informed everyone in the building), I was put in a separate room from all of them to do my work. No one came in to greet me in the morning as they customarily did for nearly 2 years. No one stopped me in the hallway to chat up about their families as they did for 2 years. I wasn't invited to meet for lunch and no one had time to meet with me. I was isolated, separated, and alienated.

I was bullied by the Director (a LCSW) to return earlier than the pdoc and tdoc at the time advised because the 2 staff members on duty didn't know how to handle my assigned work and it was piling up. I was questioned by the Office Manager daily on things I did for 2 years that before the hospital, was never questioned and in fact was highly complimented on.

When one of the meds caused me some GI distress and I had to go to the bathroom repeatedly for several days - I got called in to her office. She accused me of shrucking off my job and instructed me to ask permission to go to the bathroom from there on out. I had never had to ask permission, I was doing my job as well as before the hospitalization, and I got mad.

I explained the med was causing GI distress and no I wouldn't ask permission to run to the toilet when it hit because I hadn't ever had to before. She backed down on that instruction but it was constant harassment from her about this and that for weeks.

I finally resigned after 2.5 years of working there. The meds had me so vegatated and the attitude I received from MH professionals I actually worked with and who knew me before the hospitalization was just too much.

Now I visit the same bunch, 3 years later, only as a client of the clinic. It makes them even more uncomfortable to see me as a client but they are my counties local community MH center and they have to take me (no insurance).

ulja

4/25/09 12:03pm

I read your story, and I could not believe it. That's the thing, we have to be better, faster, stronger than "normal" people and I am so sorry you were harassed like that. Some people are so ignorant that they shouldn't even be in the field. I also got that you are a very strong person to go through that and write about it.

I feel ashamed putting my examples as stigma when I read yours. I even feel like I don't even have a right to respond.

One of my meds had a same side effect, and I just had to leave but I was never questioned. I wonder, how does it feel to see those people now, I am sorry that this is the only place you can go.

I appreciate your response a lot!

knowthyself

4/25/09 2:55pm

ulja,

Be aware that when an individual, having bipolar or any other mental illness encounters stigma, they become sensitized to it. While I do know at times individuals misinterpret the general behaviors of others, it would also be likely that it does happen with a person, sensitized and aware of stigma. After encountering stigma and predjudice, being on the recieving end, it tends to give a person the impression that such behavior is to be expected from others and often leads to the person becoming hypersensitive to percieved stigma or predjudice.

I have a story similar to yours and tabby. First I would like to say that individuals in the MH profession, though supposed to be non-judgemental, often are judgemental and more so towards their collegues. Unless you are in a high position, within an agency, never divulge your condition. Even then, it can still be a risk. In my opinion it seems the percieved ability to function or dysfunction of a member of an agency can be a liability. The agency considers its well being first, despite the code of ethics it portends to uphold.

I will make my story short. Though there was not any overt behavior or direct statements made that indicate predjudice or stigma, which would be unethical, it seemed to me I was treated differently after I disclosed my disorder.

I had disclosed my disorder to a few close co-workers and then we had a treatment team meeting and the topic of stress related to work ame up and we were asked to divulge our reactions as a way others would be aware and possibly assist if needed. I let them know that I did not manage stress well because of my disorder and responded by being overwhelmed to excess stimulus, by becoming less productive, forgetful and disorganized.

Soon after that my schedule was changed. I was given several other responsibilities, so I would have to change tasks often during the day, running from one to the other, so as to complete them. Week after week, I would ask the supervisor if they had found anyone to take over two of them, as I was doing them because they did not have anyone else and because it was to much and I was not able to perform at my best for my clients. Week after week, the answer was no, until a few months had passed. I had missed two of my after work team meetings for one of the teams I was on and was given a warning not to miss again. I diligently checked my email for notices, as they came out in advance so I would not miss again. I missed a meeting, there was no notice given to me and when I went to make sure there was not a notice, I had been locked out of the system.

I feel, without proof, that I was pushed and forced out covertly. That with knowledge of my illness and my response to stress, they were trying to make me leave. I was also told, in response to my mention about the work load, that I could always go somewhere else. I was doing a half day as a daytreatment clinician, adult and child PSR, case management, and auditing client files for a physical therapy agency for possible red flags for services, that were back logged due to the neglect of a previous worker.

marsha

4/25/09 2:05pm

Ulja,

I too went to graduate school and I did not tell a single soul about my disorder for the exact same reason that you are complaining about. Although I was surrounded by highly educated classmates and well-trained professors, I knew that the stigma was too strong to avoid. When I tell someone I am bipolar, I either get that look of pity or that look of fear. So many people confuse bipolar with schizo and so many others have watched the tv shows that have depicted bipolar disorder as something to be scared of (e.g., an episode of Law & Order SVU last year that drove me nuts with anger because it was completely misleading and even referred to bipolar as "BPD" which in reality actually stands for borderline personality disorder!). It's not that I want so much to differentiate myself from others who have differing mental illnesses but I feel it's so important for the world to be educated about what bipolar disorder really is, so we can alleviate the stigma somehow.

Since college, I have not managed to keep my illness separate from my work and have had to discuss my diagnosis with my boss and supervisor (not because I had to but because I wanted them to understand why I was unable to come to work at times). Surprisingly and with relief, they and (and my friends as well) have been very understanding. I don't get the same understanding from my own family.

I have not had the opportunity to help educate others on this disorder and I really want to do something about that. That is why I am so grateful for websites like bipolarconnect.com.

well wishes,

Marsha

www.didyoutakeyourmeds.com

tls

4/26/09 2:14pm

I had a major depressive episode at work one day (around 8 years ago I think) and I ended up walking out of work. I told my co-worker I was talking an early lunch and please tell the supervisor for me. I held it together until I got in the car and then the crying started and wouldn't stop. I called my MD and he told me what hospital to go to so I called my husband and he came and got me and took me to the hospital. Long story short - when I returned to work 3 months later my boss wasn't obviously cautious around me but I started noticing little things. She would make sure her lunch was staggered with my co-workers so someone was in the office with me all the time. She asked me, very kindly I might add, if my work load was okay and was there anything I needed. I had talked to her several times during my leave and she was genuinely concerned and supportive. Then. . .annual reviews came up and I was rated as performing below standard when for the previous 3 years I was at standard or above and I got a .5% raise. I felt humiliated and disappointed because I know the basis of her review was my medical leave and my switch to less hours for several months after I came back to work. I did stay at the job for several more years and gradually she realized that I was okay and I wasn't going to freak out during work. I even explained my treatment plan to her at one point so she knew I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Subsequent performance reviews rated me as at or above standard. I think sometimes that she did that poor review just incase I wasn't able to "cut it" after my "episode" and then she would have cause to dismiss me. I sometimes wonder if she ever felt bad about that. When I resigned to take a job closer to home she tried everything in her power to get me to stay. Funny, the job I went to was so stressful I ended up walking off that job and checking into the hospital again but I didn't go back to that job because the office manager constantly fought with her children and husband on the phone and just hearing her yelling was stress enough - never mind the stress of the job.

ulja

4/26/09 9:38pm

Thank you for sharing!

I had a similar process at my practicum. First, my coworkers and supervisers were weird around me, my superviser pulled me aside, and asked me if I "needed disability adjustments." I guess it always made me mad because I always wanted to be perfect, was number one in everything, school, work, parties. You know that book about creativity, genius, and bipolar? I always saw bipolar as a gift util these horrible, to me, comments. But you know it queted down, I actually have a good relationship with my supervisor now and I never did take those "disability adjustments" though quiet frankly more time off was very appealing:)

And I am not trying to be perfect anymore, I still work the hardest I can, and better than 'normals" haha but I know my weaknessess so I am more cautious and watch my mood swings.

HAL9000

4/29/09 1:56pm

I tell very few people I am bipolar. At work, only 2 people currently know, both colleagues at about my level. I only told them after I became friends with them and got to know and trust them. I've never told any supervisors or people high up in the organization. This is because I am afraid of stigma and of getting pushed out of my job. Once my bosses tried to extend my work hours, and I told them I had a chronic illness and preferred to keep my current work hours because excessive stress was bad for my health. I told them I preferred not to say what the illness was. This satisfied them, and I have never felt discriminated against here.

Outside of work, only my family, close friends, and doctors know. I keep my bipolar disorder secret because I am aware of the stigma and have no wish to run into it.

ulja

4/29/09 6:48pm

It's good to be smart! Yes, people will change once they'll hear even this one word. So, I'm happy for your wise thinking. I had to learn it the hard way but you know what I was always naive and wanted believe in good against all stigma and prejudice. I guess I had to be burned not once but multiple times and I even did not have to share, I just wanted to disprove the stigma to myself so much that I was not cautious at all. I finally have to admit that stigma will exist and exists, and I better think twice before sharing it with somebody.

People with Bipolar and their Partners: How to figth with stigma

Ask a Question