i have to talk it out... i know it is loong sorry.

first off i need to let evreyone on this sight know something. first off i am 14 my name is martha. i have herd a lot about how u should disgise ur age when on i sight you dont know. so at first i decided i would but now i trust you all and relise this really is a safe sight. sorry for my lie...now that i trust all of i am going to explain evreything partly for myself because i need to get it out of my head where it is so confuisng. i am going to start at the beging of my experinces with my adult friend and write it all down to get it out... i havent said it all the way it happened to aneyone because i am trying to protect my teacher(adult friend) and i know that i a lot could happened if i was honest. i love her to much to do what my heart is telling me i must. ok here goes. last year i did not know her well at all she is the drama dirrector and i had been in a play and gotten to know her through that but our relationship was fine,normal. or it was until 10 days before school was out when i was walking out to meat my parents who were wating in the car my friend came out of her room and said in a voice much louder than usual (she is usually very calm and absolutely sweet) "martha i HAVE to talk to you right now!!" i was kinda taken abacak at her voice level but said "okay" she walked me into her room looked around and then turned and walked into the hall she stood me in the corner for a second and then said "i guess we will go outisde" i was getting incrisingly nervous and as she walked me out the front door i asked "uh  what did i do did i do something wrong?" she stoped now i was stuck in the where the wall meats with the door structure outside the front of our school she was stadning in front of me. then came what i gues can only be refered to as a "explosion" she began to scream.. there were kids evreywhere getting ready to go home with there parents all chatering but as she began to yell there was a silence as silent as if someone had just been told there mom had died. "your best friend hates you...she has been pretending to be your friend all year and you have got to get used to it" she yelled. "she hates you she truly does she keeps telling you to go away and you just dont get the message" i was quivering tears starting in my eyes. i had no idea what she was talking about,my friend had been there for me all year had been kind to me and evreything a best friend needed to be... she had also been my ONLY friend. about 5 miutes before this i had said goodbye and she had huged me and it had been all fine. "what are you talking about?" i asked trying to steady my shaking voice.right then all of a suden she calmed down and said in a normal voice "you have other friends hang out with them". i shook my head more tears fell and i said "no i dont not like my best friend" she glared at me and then a look of utmost shock went into her face. she turned and ran back into the school and into her room. my parents had seen this all having been in the car wating for me, they caled the head of school and i had to recal evreything that had happened and was so painful to him... then to the school coucelor then to my pycholigist and to my friend who had absolutely no idea what the teacher was talking about. i still insisted on going to school but was absolutely terrified to see this teacher. all i could do was get up in the morning take a deep breath and try to asure myself it wasnt my fault... but this beinf being before i found out about her ilness i couldnt come up with how it could have happened...  unless i had been a very very bad child. this made me feel worse two things ran through my head "i could not have imagined it i couldnt do that... but she would never do that so i must have imagined it" she was out sick for a week and came back 2 days before school was out. the head of school who had promised as soon as she was back we would solve it the last day of school came a long and it was still not soved at all. after seing my teacher look at me durring a morning meeting and then swifly look down and begin to cry i decided i had to do something. weather or not it was my fault i feel peoples pain when they r upset and no matter how mad i was at her or how much older she was and is than i am if she wasnt going to something i had to. when my parents came to get me i refused to go home until i went and solved it with my teacher. the head of school went to talk to her first and then brought my parents in to talk and finaly brought me. as the head of school led me down the halway so many thoughts were racing through my head "what if she does it again.. what if i get in trouble.... then we were in her room. she was sitting in a chair my parents in two others. the head of school said "i think we have had a misunderstadning...thngs were passed wrong to ur teacher here and she acted as she saw fit..." "saw fit" i thought traping me in a corner and screamninf bloody murder at me was how she "saw fit". i was still staring at the ground afraid to look up at my teacher afraid of the awful look in her eyes i had seen the week and a half before. (let me add here that my school is a private school and hugs and teachers being more like friends than teachers to students is normal.) just then she said the first thing i had herd her say  to me since her last words to me the week before. "oh martha look at me... please look at me..." her voice was craking  and i could hear tears in her voice whcih was very soft. i forced myelf to look up. her face was very very white... she looked as i recal like a ghost. i walked to her and stood infront of her i had been standing at the oposet side of the room trying to stay as far away as i could. shdn i got close she then huged me and said in my ear "will you forgive me martha?" "uh ok" i said i had the whole summer to dwell on this... thinking it over in my head and coming up more and more of how i must be wrong... when i got back to school i lasted the first 4 weeks no problem then had a break down crying and coudnt stop... this was the begining of my own depresion. i went into my voice lesson still crying my voice teacher asked me what was wrong when i told her about last year and evreything else she imedietly said... well long story short she told me that my teacher my drama teacher who i trusted and loved was bipolar and that at the end of last year she had been having isues with meds and had been doing what she had done to me to evryeone...she had been rapid cyciling from depresion to mania in days at a time. after that is when my relationship with my teacher changed drasticaly. i set out to learn as much as i possibly could about bipolar...i looked on info sights purchased books and told only one person about it. my best friend the one she had told me wasnt my friend.both her parents r pychiatirsts and have book shelves full of highly helpful books my friend and i had sleepovers where we would sneak into her parents room late at night and get as many books as we could carry and hide them under her bed going through them to find the info on bipolar. as my knowledje grew i cared for her more thinking about how awful this must be for her i told myself that if she did what she had done last year to me again i would let her and not tell aneyone because i cared to much to let anything more happen to her.i gues i didnt really think she would do it again but she did i will not go into details but since in the last 7 months since we returned to school i ad grown close with my teacher she knew me better this time when she yelled she picked on things i had told her i was sensative about the things i had trusted her with she twisted into horoble things and shouted back at me. it hurt it hurt a lot. but i held myself steady with help from my voice teacher and best friend. 3 days after the second time i went to try and talk to my teacher again before i could say anything she said "oh martha give me hug... if u want... lets make it all better" i nodded that was all i cared about. this time she huged me tight not letting me go for a minute  and i was equal to it. i thought things would be fine after this but they were worse the teacher looked up my learning disability and found out that miss-interpreting things was part of it. she caled a meeting saying i needed boundries to be set down so that all this miss interpreting would stop. she was kind i dont think she reliesed she was being unkind... she also has memory problems as a result of lyme disease that was undiognosed for 17 years she has kidney stones and is on so many meds for diffrent things including the bipolar that she has to carry 2 purses. my mom tells me that i have to listen to what evreyone is telling me that it isnt my fault and that my teacher does love me like she says she does all the time. but that when the ilness takes over it isnt her talking but her mind... playing a kinda trick on her. i try to believe it but when the pain hurts so much it gets hard. i am still staying there for her... i have seen more of her emotions than any other student she has cried infront of me yelled at me and been as sweet as a dove... all her sides i see and yet there is only one that i fear... that yelling hurtful unpredictabul side that can take the one thing you are most upset about and make it hurt 10000 times more. but most of the time i think on the bright side,i think about all the times i have cried my eyes out in her room with her arms around me holding me as i sob... all the jokes we have made together... when things hurt so much i remeber all the good times i have had with my teacher  and when i remeber that i know evreything will be ok.