I received a nice email from a friend, which prompted some thoughts about moving forward in-spite of this damned disease ... here goes ...
Thanks for your comments about me being so 'upbeat and positive.' I am not always that way and today has been a one step backward day. I'm in between meds and have really dipped into some bad depression and mania hitting at the same time. God I hate that combination.
Another powerful tool I use on days like today comes from a story a friend of mine told me about a friend of his with cancer that said,
"Some days, it's OK to just stand there and hurt."
That gives me a great deal of strength to not feel OK and not have to do anything about it. It will pass.
I have faith in my doc., but she has been out of town for a couuple weeks, two VERY long weeks. As you know, I had a bad reaction to Tegretol and had to be taken off abruptly. The withdrawal symptoms were no fun but now being empty without help, I feel a tad bit naked in front of the world, vulnerable emotionally and I'm pretty much a wreck. But you know what - Who Cares! I don't let feelings stop me anymore - that's just my sicko head trying to get me to shut down and isolate me so that my disease can totally take me down. I'm done with that crap.
I know I was able to feel OK once and I know that as long as I don't give up on myself, I will, once again, feel OK again. Today, I have hope.
Writing helps me to fend off the demons. Getting mad helps me to fend off the demons. I can accept that this disease is a part of me yet I will not allow it to take control over me - it is not going to take me down as it has my whole life, not anymore. The difference now, is that I know better. I have experienced what it feels like to feel good. A little first hand experience and some hope makes all the difference. This empowers me. I am no longer a victim and I never was very good at being a martyr.
I am starting to write my book again, "A Long Walk Home." This has been a enormous challenge for the past 6 months, as it's all a mind game, just like any creative venture. I explain this better in one of my last blogs.
Most of the time, these days, I just fake it till I make it; acting as if I cared and you know what ... My *** end eventually comes around and soon, I actually do care. Funny how inspiration and motivation seems to work in reverse.
To give you an example, feeling as paralyzed as I was today, I forced myself to do my ten minutes. My ten minutes is a deal with God that I made that has worked well for me. My job is to show up, do 10 minutes and then if I can't handle it, go bury myself under the blankets. 95% of the time, I get inspired. Today, I scanned a couple images from the cross country walk and noticed there were a few people in the pics that I hadn't talked to in a while. I fired off a quick email to them and attached the images. It wasn't long before I got responses back with great support from them for me to get off my *** and write that book. THAT's the way my deal with God works. It got my sorry ***, 5000+ miles across this country, one day at a time and it will get this book written and it will work for damned near anything else that I do it with.
