I asked my husband in bed the other night "why don't I have any friends?" He said it was not me, that I am very pleasant and friendly to delivery people, the dry cleaner lady, even my pdoc's male receptionist says when I come in its like a ray of sunshine.
But I spend just about every day with only my husband (we work in the same office--I only work half a day) and evening too. That's it. No friends in sight.
My pdoc can't believe I have been going to the same gym for 4 years and don't know a soul there. But the girl at the front is friendly...
I think partly is that I don't believe I will be a reliable friend, that if I make plans I will end up cancelling because I feel bad that day. And I don't want people to know I have bipolar--when I'm good and on my meds I am as normal as can be, I don't want anyone but my husband to see when I am down.
So, feeling alone feels normal to me, I don't think it is so bad. I have my husband, who is very caring, and my pdoc, who I consider my best friend even though I pay him.
I do, however, make myself go out at least to run errands by making lists the night before. Staying home alone all day is ok sometimes but not usually.
So that is how I feel about isolation, for better or worse.
wow - someone finally gets me! I had an all time low this past winter - winter is always bad - I've been at home for 8 yrs - leaving my corporate life due to an unpleasant experience. Up and down since then - I've finally come to terms with bipolarism. And - I decided I am more alive and better with people - so I decided to go back to work starting with my last place of employment - I was hired on the spot - making my own part time hours - guess I did something right the 10 years I worked there previous to my departure.
Now I'm back and everyone gives me hugs and welcomes me. I am alive and feeling better than before (not manic though) - just that I'm where I should be - but now I get home at 12:00 noon and I am totally depleted - wiped out - and feel guilty telling my kids to make their own lunch and that I just have to lay down! Someone at work told me the other day that I'm always smiling - they should see my other side. Anyway - you put light onto why this occurs. Thanks for sharing.
Perfect description. I'm living this as we speak. Not really depressed but gathering energy for my next go round with the world. Thanks for the validation. My friends understand, somewhat, my isolation but feel that I do it too much. (Which I do).
I don't have the balance right and really guilt trip myself about getting out.
Sometimes it is depression but right now it's blissful relief to be out of the rat race for the moment. I have 2 months of expenses and am about to sell my condo which will give me extra cash to begin a new way to interact with the world. I've been in commissioned sales for 3 years and the stress has taken it's toll. Here's to understanding the difference between needed recharging time and depression!
Greetings...interesting post-I have also wondered in the past if my introversion (or perhaps my social phobia--I have difficulity teasing them apart) has in fact prevented a spiral into full blown mania as my social anxieties (again or introversion) caused me to retreat into aloneness which destimulates and then perhaps prevents the progression...(the few times I have felt close to severe hypomania have been times where I was unable to retreat into solitude)...(I have not been diagnosed with bipolar but to believe I am on the spectrum somewhere)....
In any case, I found my way here to this post because I just listened to Dr. Kay Jamison talking about her book "Exhuberance, The Passion for Life".....I have not listened all the way through yet but was struck by her discussion about exhuberance in children being more or less the opposite to introversion....or at least this was my interpretation as she talks about the exhuberant children being the classic unihibited and extroverted child who ventures out fearlessly.... it does seem introverted temperant seems one in same with inhibited temperament...Dr. Jamison implied that exhuberant people tended to be overly represented by people with bipolar and therefore I assumed this implied most bipolar patients (or at least the highly creative types) were in exhuberant and extroverted..... I would like to ask Dr. Jamison if she feels introversion is the opposite to exhuberance....perhaps introversion and inhibition are not one in the same therein lies the rub....it is true that social anxiety and inhibition would dimish exhuberance....
So, are most biplolar people introverted or extraverted? Your survey seemed to incidate a large preponderance of introverted people which is interesting....wonder if there are any differences in introversion/extraversion between bipolar I and bipolar II people.....
I am brain storming so this post is no doubt all over the place...hope I have made some sort of sense....
(I am a card carrying INFP also.....though often I wondered if I actually INFJ....I flip so often I figure the 'P' must fit otherwise I would be happy to accept the closure of the 'J') :-)
You read my mind...Only you were actually able to explain what I couldn't quite understand myself. I'm having an epiphany, thanks! =]
I was recently diagnosed as bipolar II which i immediately rejected and denied. But the more I read, the more it starts making sense to me. I have been drained lately. In the aftermath of some stressful times recently, I find myself void of motivation, enthusiasm, or any sort of inclination to meet people. I am usually so extroverted, and tend to run my mouth =]. My friends joke that anyone who talks to me for 20 minutes knows WAY too much about me. I've always made friends so effortlessly. But lately... It's like it takes every ounce of my energy to get out of bed and speak to people. I just don't care, and I don't care that I don't care! I will get "trapped" in this endless cycle until I finally force myself to get out of the house. And then it's crazy... I instantly feel like the other me is back. All of a sudden all I want to do is get everyone together and go out somewhere, and when I get in my extroverted moods it can be even more frustrating! I will find myself just pacing around and feeling restless. In just this past year I have gone from being little miss social butterfly, to having no friends, to socializing in smaller groups, then being a wild reckless irresponsible party animal, then crashing and becoming a hermit for a few weeks, then trying desperately to rekindle neglected friendships...and so the cycle goes.
It's starting to freak me out. Right now I'm being a hermit (which is the only time i get deep thinking done), and the thought occurred to me about an hour ago...are these the "poles" a bipolar person fluctuates between? It is so clear to me now that I need to understand I cannot be neatly categorized as an extravert OR an introvert. (Which has always confused me about those personality tests, although I'm mostly ENFP.) And maybe if I learn how to anticipate when my ups and downs will come, I can learn to be a better friend to the people I care about, instead of being unreliable. I just need to stay in tune with what my mind and body needs.
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I know you're a boy and I'm a girl. However, the more I read your personal stories, I think we're twins!!!!
Hugs,
Margaret