I've really enjoyed your articles this month, John. Recently I decided I had better become more involved in my care again, although with chronic illnesses it seemed better to hide in bed than be concerned with anything like taking care of myself.
Stress leads me, among others, to do the strangest things. I dislike not knowing how I will act or react with individuals who see me on a regular basis. How must it be for them!
I, too, have always taken shelter in books more than anything else, because I did not have any other escape or way of coping that wasn't destructive. Now I try to tell stories so others can escape. In fact, writing is a great escape, too, as long as it doesn't become another stressor that makes the swirling thoughts swirl faster.
Now I live in a more pastoral setting, and since I find it effective in dealing with stress, I write about my setting so that others can experience it vicariously. City life doesn't agree with me as much as it used to.
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I often, it seems, take a self-imposed "hospitalization" but at home. When life's stressors and triggers become way too overwhelming, I tend to just "fall down" or "break down" and when that happens, I tend to exile myself to my home for however long. You know, keep myself out of the "rat's race" called life and all that it demands (like work).
If I can't self-exile myself to my home quite physically, I tend to disassociate quite mentally. Course, this happens only when the stressors and triggers just overload my coping abilities to well.. cope.
I did this just recently in fact. I quit a job in the midst of a suicidal depressive state because it was either I kill myself or the job goes. It got down to that nitty gritty moment of reality for me. The job was causing soooo much stress and sooo much chaos and I could not handle it so, mentally... I "stopped", I got off.
I am also a great believer that anxiety conjures depression and depression then conjures anxiety. They greatly feed upon each other in a most vicious vile cycle.
A therapist I had, some many years ago, agreed with me and even diagnosed me primarily with Generalized Anxiety and Recurring Major Depressive secondary. If I could alleviate the anxiety, the episodes of depression that I had would lessen significantly she said.
Strange thing though... the pdoc I had at that time did not follow that logic. In order to alleviate anxiety one must have anti-anxiety medication and anti-anxiety therapy. The therapy, the therapist was good at giving me.. the meds? Well... pdoc was not so good.
See, anti-anxiety meds are tranquilizers, are benzodiazepines, are PRNs. Better yet, he said, to give me anti-depressants for the recurring episodes of depression. All of which, did not a thing for me or sent me into a soaring stratosphere... when all I needed was a "little shelter" for me mind.
No one, at that time, ever gave thought to Bipolar.
There are tranquil soothing rehab hospitals for those with substance abuse & chemical dependency or eating disorders. Not so many, if any, for run of the mill general mental disorders. At least, not any that the overall population can afford to stay in even temporarily. If so, there would be many more seeking the hospitalization that is truly necessary than what is happening now.
With growing up on a farm in midwest USA, oldest of 7 children with bipolar mom and alcoholic/depressive dad... my parents actually met at the local state mental hospital....it's no wonder that I came by mental illness quite naturally! I took reprieve by escaping into books. Reading and education were acceptable or so it seemed. Being sick was never acceptable. We couldn't afford doctors much. A great work ethic was a must. If you had to get away, it was into the recesses of your mind. I'm going to get up the nerve to do a poll of the relatives to see how many others have some mental illness. I know that alcoholism runs wild on both sides of the gene pool. I guess that is 'acceptable'!!
I have an aversion to medical because of the fears I grew up with that my mom passed along. I go to the doc as a last resort. I've come to realize that if I'm to get as well as I can, I need some meds, pdoc, therapist, lots of alternatives...I've got some great coping mechanisms in place that I developed in my lifetime.
Reading is still the best thing for escape...I knew when I couldn't concentrate enough to read that I had to get help. Too many swirling, racing, layering thoughts. That's when I was diagnosed bipolar instead of just major depressive.
Tabby, I too had to give up a very stressful, what I thought was a dream, job because I couldn't cope anymore. I had to battle thru the 'stigma', the perfectionistism, the work through it all mentality, the knowing that I wasn't strong enough to cope, the deep, dark, awful thoughts about me...just terrible. But wonderful at the same time. I've learned so much more about me and who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am precious in His sight. and that's all that matters. To hell with those that would think differently of me.
Isn't it amazing...our beautiful mind??? God created each one differently just as each of us has different gifts, talents, body shapes and sizes. Utterly amazing. sometimes confusing and irritating but awe inspiring nonetheless.
Thank you John for your articles this month. Very informational and interesting to read!!
Thank you to all who read, post, respond. We have a great group of support here!!
God Bless You,
Shelly
Ah Shelly, the killer work ethic eh?
That's me, to a T. You don't go to the doc or anyone else for help less you clearly believe you are on death's proverbial door and banging and even then.. you must check yourself over thrice cause you might have a wee bit more in ya to work a bit longer. You aren't disabled or sick less you have loss of limb or eyes, otherwise.. you can work.
That is how I was raised and I still have an elderly father that preaches that to me nearly every single day. There is no "mental illness" for it's all in your head and if you just quit thinking about all your troubles and work and earn your living wage, there would be no "mental illness". It's a weakness, you see... to the elder members of me family. It's a character and moral weakness and one is just lazy if one must take time away to "recover".
This is my raising, my upbringing, my continual chanting mantra from my support system.
So; I've gone and obtained another job. Started this past week actually. I could not just "recoup". I had to get a job. See, no income and I literally spent me entire savings down to the absolute penny and have not a penny in me pocket, paying expenses.
So, I am praying most mightily that this one.. this one... is the one I'm to have that will not undo me for I simply can't go through another that will further unwrap me.
There simply is not much left of me mind to unwrap, I fear.
Tabby,
You will be at the forefront of my prayers this week as you venture back into the workforce. For me, the only 'work' I do besides the regular housewifey stuff is take care of my 7 week old grandson. He has been the best therapy for me. It's truly permisseable to sit and rock a baby and let the dust stand. I honestly get the heebee geebees if I think of going out to the workforce again! I was so traumatized by this last go around...
Luckily, I'm happily married to my best friend who has a wonderful job for going on near 30 years...he makes a great wage and has wonderful benefits. I am truly thankful for that. We've grown tremendously together these past 8 months...and have been through a lot.
We constantly have to work on keeping things level and sane...
it's hard enough quelling the damn voices within without having those we love preaching to us too!! I've had to limit contact with well meaning family and friends at times just so I could get my bearings and determine which voice was actually mine! To determine what the still small voice inside that is God is prompting me. He's always got my best interest at heart. ALWAYS!
It's tough at times because of the faith that I choose to practice...lots of manmade rules/do's/don'ts...I've had to back away at times from that too. It sometimes gets to be just me and God. Which is probably the best. But, I have a husband and 4 kids and lots of relatives and lots of friends. During these healing times it can get very lonely for this outgoing, social butterfly. I have to accept that I am the encourager, I am the one that reaches out and when I don't have that strength...it's ok. God sends angels to minister to me. That's why I like this site. People like you, Tabby, that minister to me without you even knowing it!
Keep your chin up dear...you will have just enough to do what you need to do. Take one day or moment at a time and live in the present with no unrealistic expectations. (yeah, right) Do the best you can. I'll be here for you. And so will lots of others.
God Bless you.
Shelly