Good words, Tabby and John. Since we are forgiven children of God, we are to offer that forgivenss to other people. It's not always easy. Dr. Bernie Siegel tells us that we need to get rid of the toxic people in our lives and not let them rent space in our minds. If I wake up angry at someone, it isn't good for me and the other person(s) are enjoying their morning coffee, getting ready for their day and aren't even thinking about what they may have said or done to hurt me (us). Getting brave enough to try again takes a bunch of courage. I get weary of the struggle, but it beats giving in and letting evil win.
Thanks John for being the torch bearer for us. You are much better at living with the mood disorder than I am. Thanks for continuing to teach us, through your experiences.
HUG
I too have just had a very hard "break-up" with someone I thought of as a close friend and who turned out to be toxic not only for me but for my family. And having read your posts on happiness and other recent posts by others I have realised a number of things that are critical for MY recovery from this horrible incident. I need to stop constantly going over the things she said (mostly wrote) to me and about me and my family and taking them on board or obsessing over them because they are her issues, not mine. I also learned that my illness actually allowed me to see her for what she was, and that is a positive to take away from a mixed state, where there are usually no positives to be found (I find it the worst place to be mentally). And all this talk of forgiveness has given me food for thought about my next steps towards a fuller recovery and a real internal need to grasp on to all that is good in my life, somthing I so often lose sight of. Thankyou John and all of you who have posted on these topics, you have no idea how much you have made my little mixed up brain tick over the last few days - I am moving forward again after a long period of stagnation and desperation - I am looking at fogiveness in a new way and I am looking at happiness as something within reach, in a conversation with my daughter or a sunrise (even if i've been up all night!) or watching TV with my husband - i'm moving back into the moment and it's all thanks to you guys, the power your words can have should never be underestimated, keep using them so wisely - in your honesty you give so much to others - way to go as we say in Oz.
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while reading this I kept thinking "forgiveness" and this is a very powerful thing.. forgiveness. it kinda runs along with compassion and does lead to a sense of inner peacefulness.
many people, me one of them once, believed that to forgive someone was to "let them off the hook" so to speak. then when the offending person, did whatever offended again and again... folks get mad (me too) cause they forgave them so what the heck?
to me, i've learned that forgiveness is not for that offending person but more for me.
as long as I harbor ill will, resentment, anger, pain, bitterness, bad memories, etc.. what that person did to create those and how I feel about that person will continue to churn and stir within me. it poisons and kills that which is within me, my inner light.
the more i feel these things, the more I project these things because it will all come out in some way and in some form. like love and compassion, anger and bitterness manifest in some peculiar ways and not necessarily direct reaction to cause ways neither... sometimes, it is subtle and creeps up in other areas that has not a thing to do with what actually triggered it (like attaching it to "new" folks you meet, for example).
so, while it is extremely difficult to forgive... and like me, you gotta do so over and over and over and over each time it pops up in your psyche (and sometimes it takes a while to remember to do so) and causes all the churning again...
forgiveness is more for oneself than for the other and there in lies true compassion for another (even if the other just never "gets it")... and even moreso for oneself cause to have forgiveness and compassion for another only creates love magnified within oneself... it projects outward also
by the way... if you know the person to be a snake, then why invite that individual to lie against your being? You know, a snake is a snake and if it struck once... it will strike again. You need to forgive but not forget, cause to forget leads you to being bitten again. Be kind, be compassionate John... but keep the toxicity at a safe distance and not invite it back in.
Words of wisdom, Tabby. I kept thinking the snake would kiss me rather than keep sinking its fangs into me. So - love the snake, from afar. We expect other people's behavior to change. Sometimes it does. But when it doesn't, it's time to see reality for what it is. Evolutionary biologists speculate this is one of the adaptive advantages to depression. The rose colored glasses come off. We see things as they truly are. This allows us to make the hard choices that allow us to make the break and pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives. I can't ever say I was glad to feel miserable, but I can see the point.
Forgiveness is important. Correct me if I'm wrong here. I don't think you're talking about saying to the person, "I forgive you." Because that in itself is a form of judgment, as in: "You were a bitch, but I forgive you anyway."
But in the sense of: "Life is hard to figure out. We screw up. A big screw up happened here. It happened. No one's right, no one's wrong." And then in our heart, we let go and forgive. The passage of time helps. And knowing that in time I will be in a better position to forgive helps. Does this make sense?
Tabby,
I have taken this to heart since you mentioned this in another reply to someone else. I am practicing forgiveness for the sake of my own sanity. It is so true that once I am able to forgive the other person (over and over and over) not necessary for them to know a thing about it...it heals my inside and thus my outside relationships are healthier. I thank you.
John,
I thank you for exposing your humanity in your postings...you are working through just as you are writing. It brings me great comfort! It IS hard to let go of someone that was once dear but is now toxic. It's happened to me a few times. Sometimes it's where they are at in life; sometimes it is where I am at. I pray to God that if it is to be...let it be a gentle letting go. If someday we are both in a good place to be in each other's lives again...he will make it happen. I've had several relationships re-establish...some I've even been able to talk thru what happened way back when. Some just are.
Thank you for introducing me to other's writings...those that I would have never heard of...
God Bless,
Shelly