must be the full moon John

last night I was up... cause me don't sleep well these days

thinking "if I were to drink a whole bottle of **88Y^^ then I'll go to sleep and not wake up." 

then got to picturing all the aftermath... daughter lost and bewildered, family trying to divy up my meager belongings like vultures, dad bitching about how was he going to get his money paid back cause he can't get it out of a 14 year old, how my ex would be gloating and rubbing his hands together in glee with his 10 years older mistress girlfriend... waiting to pick over what's left... while me daughter would mumble how she was going to get to see her little boyfriend if she now had to go live with her Father... boss and coworkers bitching cause who was going to take care of all the stuff I've been taking care of for them these last 2 months alone when 3 people quit

meanwhile I pictured myself dead.. laying there, turning blue and stiff with all this crap swirling around like that of a scene out of a play

irrational thinking and runaway mind maybe... to some

but so damn close to the truth... in reality

anyway... i finally forced me self to a sleepless night of weird tossing and turning dreams and horrible leg cramps

to finally just wake up and force myself a bath (a real accomplishment actually cause I hadn't had one in like 4 days) and to text my boss lady that i was horribly sick and wouldn't make it in today

i dare not mention "the sickness".  See, I am an Admin in a large outpatient MH clinic and well... you don't tell them you are mentally ill.  They so do not know what to do with an employee who is mentally ill.

John McManamy, Health Guide

10/22/10 12:59pm

Hey, Tabby. Ove the irony. :)

Erich

6/ 7/12 1:48pm

After spending six years with bi-polar disorder I finally found a blog page.. was looking for support groups to go to but failed in Arizona.. although it probably be a monkey farm... dealing with myself is tough enough.. So thought I would try this out for a support group.

 

Quickly, I lost everything I had.. my company for fifteen years.. my savings.. my future.. in a period of six months of a manic episode.. thinking I had never felt better, thought quicker, been more spiritually connected then anytime in my life.

 

I am curious to see if anyone has experienced this or heard of i.. mostly I would love to connect to other people with this disorder..just to keep my balance mentally and emotionally.

 

Eagerly waiting to see if my first blogpost gets any attention at all

 

Erich

Now that I am better, I constantly battle with myself over whether whatever I'm doing is "worthwhile."  I usually define this as "what am I doing for others?"  And I feel I am wasting so much time watching TV and being absorbed by the computer screen.  But if I don't have these distractions, that is when my runaway mind becomes a runaway mine train heading into the deep shafts of darkness and weirdness and downright danger, occasionally bursting into the blinding light on top of the mountain for a day or two, then back down again.  It just seems to help if I keep myself distracted.  It is kind of a way to "even out" my day and not let my mind stray too far on its own.

I think such awful things at times that I don't share them even here.  But yes, I am much better now.  If I get to the end of the day and haven't acted on these thoughts, then I feel somewhat more of a success.  Another blessed day where I end up in bed, focusing on nothingness and counting several medications to put me to sleep.  My own bed, mind you, not the one at the hospital with stiff white sheets and someone flash-lighting me every 30 minutes.

I've found that my worst runaway mind times are when I'm under too much stress.  When I momentarily look at the neon green flash cards in my brain that suggest ways of ending the stress that do not mesh with my personal ethics.  That's when I know I better go back to the TV and the computer and calm down and get distracted and zone-out.  Might there be other ways, even better ways, of pulling myself together?  I suppose.  But this is working for now.  And there have been times in the past where nothing worked.

Tabby

10/25/10 12:50pm

when my mind is racing and "running" at high speeds down the track... swishing and swaying to and fro around the curves and up over the heels and bouncing through the dips without any headlights and no lights to see the track.... and I want it to stop.. even for a few moments... I too have to go turn on the TV, the radio, something... anything... all things sometimes.

 

most times it helps but there are those times that even with all that... mind just keeps chugging and zipping along into areas that are just too dark