Sometimes I think I have grown past the kind of thinking you describe.  I tell myself, "Surely you are not going to let THIS litte pestering thought ruin the rest of your day and maybe tomorrow."  But there it is.  And it often does.  I really don't know how to NOT react like this.  It just seems to happen automatically as soon as I think I have caused another person to be unhappy with me. Even at this site, where we are all free to express our thoughts/opinions, I find myself gushing apologies if I even MIGHT have upset someone else.  It is one of those auto-pilot functions that take over when I'm not at the wheel.  And really, I hate it.  I have to really, really be on guard and work hard to keep this from happening.

Thank you for the post.  You put into words something I couldn't.

Ah sug.. you are of the "high functioning" set aren't you?

I ask because I've been labeled that as well and we get to where we think we have a somewhat good handle on things... managing things... the illness is humming in the background but we got the tools, right? and then something completely knocks our brains "offline" (referencing your analogy) and everything comes rushing up and knocking us backwards and we are crumpled and humbled... figuratively and perhaps literally (cause I have) on the floor.

It's because the illness has a mind of it's own and it does not play fair or just.  I still have issues with not being "like everyone else" and I guess I haven't yet accepted that I'm completely mentally ill and should allow myself these periods where my brain just "clicks off" over seemingly inane things or events cause to me - in those moments - those seemingly inane things to "normal" folks are so completely not to me.

There is no rhyme or reason as to why our minds act as they do...if there were then there would be more concise treatment now wouldn't there? 

No, we are entirely different and yet share the same oft times disabling and crippling disorder.  Those, who are labeled insidiously with the label of  "high functioning", overall do not enjoy the prospects of the real potential and  often times (moreso than folks truly realize) concrete real episodes of disability and being gravely handicapped by our minds.

It's not that those of us who are labeled with it - are way above all that or better able to cope and manage than others - no way hosea.. it's just that we tend to struggle more with the gross deficits caused by the the episodic horrific losses of what we know we can do or have or had when the illness decides to play unfair.

John McManamy, Health Guide

11/ 8/10 12:32pm

Hey, Tabby. Yep, I like to think of myself as high functioning. Then along comes something that knocks me on my ass for no reason and suddenly I can't function. It's just like you say - the thing is humming along in the background. I start identifying as "normal" - or at least as someone able to get along in the land of the normal - when - Pow! - just like that, I am very rudely reminded how this illness can turn me into an outsider at the drop of a hat.

Shelly

11/ 8/10 9:55pm

and that's the raw rub of it all...

 

not belonging. not normal. it sure sucks....doesn't it?

 

thanks Tabby and John...yeah. I believe I'm high functioning too...many coping mechanisms. I like the sentence 'when the disease doesn't fight fair.'...a good reminder that it's something that is sometimes out of my control.

 

 

 

Donna-1

11/10/10 5:00pm

Tabby, I know what you are saying.  So true!  Some people don't understand the fact that our recovery is a difficult, daily struggle.  Still.  Even though we look okay on the "outside."  My friend says, "Oh I'm so glad you're looking like your old self, that you are WELL again."  She expects me to go back to work.  She doesn't know that work-stress is still a killer for me.  I can't handle it.  But I do try to take her words as encouragement.  At least I'm no longer looking as bad as I feel! 

Hi John, I see that I'm somewhat late joining in on this conversation. I hope you're feeling better. But I can't help noticing that you are heading full-on into late autumn (fall) - early winter. At the moment, as a speck of loneliness in this Great, happening, Cosmopolitan city of Sydney, I am struggling to emerge from my own winter cocoon of hide-away blankets and self-imposed hibernation-isolation, and hoping for the return of at least a goodly fraction of the wild mania and it's attendant bursts of energy I experienced last summer - which would be a most welcome change from the paralyzing lethargy I've been enduring for so much of 2010. The fact that it has been a very unusually wet and dismal year here has not helped. I'm delighted that our decade-long drought has broken, but with a short-sighted Government system, as usual, when luck falls on our so-called 'Lucky Country' our Governments, Local, State and Federal, all think it's part of our "LUCK" and don't feel any obligation to engage in foresight, planning and so on, to prevent our "LUCK" from running down our coastal drains and gutters out to sea.  Meanwhile, I have no car. When and how am I supposed to stock up on groceries? Yes, I live alone; and no, I don't have anyone to help me.

My family have abandoned me. (My once-close brother finds my illness "bizarre".) That includes my daughter, the child I sacrificed so much for. She's a WUS. She has always been a scaredy-cat, a real cry-baby.

Like her Grandmother, my mother, my daughter is by nature an Avoider. When there's a problem, she prefers to run away from it rather than confront it or discuss it. When I beg her to discuss it, it's always a definite "No". She prefers to live in her own world, now filled with a husband and 2 children whom she smother-loves, and where, despite evidence to the contrary, she prefers to believe her life is pretty near perfect - as long as I'm not in it.

She has gradually cut me off from personal contact - particularly with my grand-sons. She doesn't trust me around them. She knows I think she is too protective of them, and she doesn't want to risk my saying anything in words or manner which might 'hurt their feelings'. My God - they are 8 and almost 11 respectively. How are they supposed to cope in the real world in a few short years' time? I wonder if she would still be quite so leery of my contact with them if it were'nt for the fact that the younger one is, as far as I can determine, somewhere within the Autism Spectrum Disorder range. The elder of the two is very bright and sensitive emotionally, as opposed to sensually (noise, light, touch when feeling ill, food fussiness, social difficulties etc with the younger one) - I see him so seldom now (maybe twice a year), that when I do see him, he can't relate to me. I still can't carry on a normal conversation with him. He lives in his own world of make-believe and I'm disturbed by the content and extent of violent ideation he has displayed in play. It's a few years since I've seen him in play; my daughter no longer allows me to cross her threshold, in one of Sydney's poshest suburbs.

I'm not an Avoider. I prefer to confront issues, discuss them (my daughter has never discussed any aspect of my grand-son's "special needs" diagnosis. He was only taken for assessment after I called my son-in-law at work and suggested (strongly) that he should be assessed. Of course, in my daughter's memory, the assessment was all her idea. She likes to be in control.

But what of my Heading "So How Long Have You Been Bipolar?"

I've often thought that when people are diagnosed young, as many are these days, and they obviously have loving, caring family and friends, yet they suddenly start exhibiting Bipolar symptoms, it's probably relatively easy to diagnose an illness, tho it might take a few months for the doctors to agree on which particular illness it is. But what about a person who grows up in an environment of nurture-deficiency, neglect, or outright abuse?

If such a person "breaks down" quietly, without fuss, without drama, without any hope of treatment or an alternative nurturing environment - in a retrospective medical history, how can you tell if it's an environmental-stressor Event, or a Bipolar Event? (I should add that in my case, the symptoms were loss of energy, loss of defiance (fight), withdrawal, lethargy, a feeling that I was a wild horse that had been broken. But broken too much to be of any use. I had been a competitive runner, beating all in my path. Suddenly I couldn't run to save my life. I had been the undisputed champion fighter and sometime hero in our neighbourhood. Suddenly, not only could I not be bothered, but I knew I lacked the energy if challenged. There was only one person who could beat me, and I stopped fighting him when I realized he was prepared to fight dirty. I wasn't. That was my step-father.

Years later, when in my early thirties, I said to the woman who had been my best friend at the time, "You know, I had a nervous breakdown when I was eleven, and nobody even noticed". She replied "I noticed". By the time I was well into the next school year, I realized that my teacher had noticed as well.

Rejection and lack of self-esteem have haunted my life ever since. But is it a series of "bad luck" coincidences, or do these things happen to me because of my reaction to petty slights which cut me to the core and leave me disabled for days?

John, I fully relate to your feelings of disbelief and resentment when someone you care about - and whom you trust to care about you, makes a remark which cuts to the core, sends you into an emotional spin of hurt and pain you can't understand or explain, but can only feel, and then carries on their day totally oblivious of the way it's affected you. Of course, later, you feel ridiculous that something so minor had you considering suicide. It's a weird dis-ease.

The monitors of this site have decided in their wisdom to allow me to rave on at length. I hope that what I've written is of some comfort to you, and maybe one or two others who feel equally perplexed at this over-reaction emotional aspect of our less-than-perfect, but all the same worthy selves.

Frances

John McManamy, Health Guide

11/11/10 12:26pm

Hey, Frances. Many thanks for writing this. I'll go directly to your question:

 

The environment works through the brain. The brain also influences the environment around you. It's not either-or, one or the other. It's more like both-and. What seems to be going on is many of us have a genetic make-up that predisposes our brains to be vulnerable to stress and trauma in our lives rather than resilient. Thus, past trauma and abuse set us up for a fall. Likewise, the crazy lives we lead are full of triggering events.

 

And, as you can see in my case, the triggering event can be totally trivial. This often drives those around us nuts, as it appears we're making something out of nothing. Then we get told to snap out of it.

 

The good news is we can work to manage our stress, as well as come to terms with the people and situations that caused us trauma. These are not overnight skills, and, as you can see, I'm still learning. Nevertheless, I did manage to "snap" out of it - nowhere near as fast as those with resilient brains, but a lot faster than I would have back in the bad old days.