That which causes me the most dysfunction in my everyday living... is anxiety. What can make that anxiety soar, is social situations. Whether it be with a large group or with only 1 person... the social anxiety causes so much mood instability.
At my latest tour of employment, I had a most uncomfortable meeting with not only my Program Manager but also the agency's Community Director back in September. They could not find a single thing I've done that was incorrect. That's great, right? Don't get excited... there is another piece to this.
They could not find a single thing I've done, or do, that is troublesome to them at all. My work was, and is, exemplary they tell me. I've taught them about this and that for which they had no clue and as for such, I've helped streamline their authorizations process (I work as an administrator in a large MH agency serving the poor and indigent).
YET.. they had to find something. Something had to be found because I had showed light on a less favorable aspect of something going on. The thing in which I have to improve upon and will never measure up on unless I have intense personal supervision trainings on is.... interpersonal communication and relatability.
I am, as they told me, not "the total package" for which they demand and expect me to be.. I am only 3/4. I am to endure weekly supervision from my Program Manager because I do not relate and communicate effectively with my co-workers, peers, and/or colleagues. I do not step out as the 1st one.. to shake hands, introduce myself, conduct meetings, and I do not go around smiling and cheerful and sunshine and ballons every single day joking and conjoling with all the co-workers.
I do my work, I communicate when necessary (I do actually), I handle the jobs that I've been assigned or dumped upon but because I don't "step out" and willingly communicate every living day with every living person.... I need "supervision".
The most uncomfortable thing I've endured in quite a while. Shyness and timidity is a negative thing. You are considered "stand offish" and "snobbish" by folks now. They don't find it quaint, or cute, or something to just realize and work with... NO, it must be forced out of you or, you just won't do.
How's that for trying to maintain some sense of self-esteem in which you never had any to start with.. to start with?
The two areas where I experience the most social anxiety are: public speaking and many family gatherings. The anticipation of either often brings on stress and anxiety.
However, I've come a long way since the debilitating shyness of my childhood. Never thought I'd be able to speak publicly, but have managed to a few times. And family gatherings have often become easier. However, not unlike the 12-year-old child in John, the devastatingly shy child in me resurfaces from time-to-time.
I've learned to deal better and wiser. Your comments and insights are appreciated. Thanks.....Judy
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Am totally with HeyJude on this one. I'm cutting back on my Lamictal right now, because I think my depressions never were the main thing, for which it doesn't seem to do much anyway. Its therapeutic effect was sedation. It knocked me out when my PTSD and general anxiety were out of control.
I think the suicide stats bear this out, that among those who are depressed, their level of anxiety is a more significant risk factor than the level of depression.