I just returned home from my 13th ECT treatment (two more to go!), while I have kept a detailed diary of the entire process, I will summarize as best I can here while still providing important information.  For those interested in reading more, I will gladly share my details individually.

I went to the Neurotherapies clinic in my home town to inquire about ECT because I could no longer tolerate the atypical antipsychotics and wanted so much to see if this would work for my family (siblings and my children). The antipsychotics always made me feel awful, but they helped in some ways. I was taking this drug to help stabilize my bipolar, but noticed the greatest impact in my reduction of suicidal thoughts. Although I was not suicidal at the time I started my treatments, I was thinking of death and dying on a regular basis and felt tremendous guilt and inadequacy. These feelings made me wonder how long I could go on feeling this way. I must mention here though, I am not psychotic so again, the drug was strictly to keep my suicide at bay. Before taking this drug, I was in and out of the hospital on and off throughout the years especially during the Fall months (comorbid SAD, anxiety, PMDD for over nine years.

Back to ECT - I was given right unilateral treatments and gained immediate relief from the thoughts of death and dying, in fact as morbid as it sounds, my extreme feelings of anxiety, anger, fear, and phobia were so bad either because I had to be off all medication during the ECT treatments or due to the complexity of my illness and the reaction to the ECT made the effects worse for the time being. With those issues, I felt I no longer had "the option" for suicide to relieve my pain and suffering (good thing) - as strange as that may sound. I did however, notice a slight improvement in the "blues" after about my 12th treatment - I felt more willing to do things and getting out of bed had become easier, but the anxiety, anger, fear, and phobia clouded so much, it was extremely difficult for me to recognize any great improvements in my depression. It wasn't until I was put on back on an older antidepressant, an antiepileptic, and antianxiety that I truly started to feel relief. I am to hold off on my antidepressant and anti anxiety medication 48 hours before a treatment - those are a couple of difficult days to say the least.

When I get suicidal again, not being pessimistic here, but rather realistic, I will not hesitate to go through another round of treatments, but think I will speak to the psychiatrist about the possibility of bi-lateral treatments to see if this will help with the anxiety. I am not on maintenance ECT by choice, but rather will get treatments when the need arises, which could be three or six months.

I highly recommend the book mentioned by John - Shock by Kitty Dukakis and Larry Tye. Best of luck to you who decide to travel down this path.