My "ups"
For a very very brief period of time, I do feel "better". I am not suffocated with depression and I'm not suicidal.
The colors of life start to unfold again, my energy levels start rising and I have more energy throughout the day. I have less sleep and do not feel the need to sleep all day. My mental processes start to pick up and my thoughts start to sharpen.
So, for a very brief period of time - usually about a week, maybe 2 if lucky, in length - I feel "good".
Then...
I get highly irritable, agitated, and angry. Everyone is moving too slow. Everyone is so stupid and won't get out of my way. I am the only one that can fix anything, the only one that does anything, the only one that is to do anything cause everyone else is lazy and stupid.
I'm on edge constantly. Like a cat on a hot tin roof, prickly and claws baring. This sudden and rising imploding pressure building and building within me. I have to move, I have to run, I have to speak faster and faster. I can't stop speaking, I can't stop moving, I can't stop running.
My mind whirls like a turbo at 2000 rpms and I can no longer make sense of any of my thoughts. They come at me from all directions. I start to see and hear things that I know are not real but see and hear still, I do.
I want to run but I can't move. I want to scream but no sound will escape. I want to pull all my hair out by it's roots. I want to take markers and color my walls. I want to run naked screaming across my front yard (actually I did once dance naked around my bird feeder but that's for another day).
I cannot sleep and do not need sleep. My brain will simply not shut down, will not wind down, will not stop and even if I force sleep... I toss and turn and awaken with it going full blast again.
I sometimes sit and shake my legs, up and down, repeatedly because I can't settle them down. I'll drum my fingers repeatedly because I can't settle down.
The horror John is: I know something has gone so horribly wrong and I can't make it stop. I can't make it stop and I so do not feel good. I feel terrified.
Then I crash... into a prolonged deep suicidal depression.
Thankfully, the "ups" only last about a month at most... but, the suicidal depressions can last upwards of 3-4 months.
I was horribly debilitated. I sat in an almost catatonic state. I did not like the light of day...and only started to calm down as the sun went down. My mind raced, I did not want to hear any noise...my 2 dogs would lay quietly with me all day as though they really understood my illness. I prayed, called crisis lines..took my medications religiously and suffered in silence. My therapist would always call me back whenever I called him. He gave encouraging words of "you just have to give the medicine time to work." He was right...but I suffered greatly for almost 5 months. I lived hell on earth. Today, 5 years later..with the help of Lamictal and Ativan and synthoroid ( I also was found to be hyperthyroid), I am better than I ever have been. Looking back, it is a wonder that my head didn't blow off my soulders. To all.....hang in there...don't miss any meds and do your best to cope. Yes it is hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel....even though you can't see it yet.
First, I feel for those of you struggling with this side of bipolar. It's frightening to get out of control, want to make it stop, and feel powerless over it.
I get angry and easily hurt, then carry out endless conversations in my mind with other people who have set off these episodes. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I have long crying spells, sometimes in public. I can't get the thoughts to shut off, even as I try to reason with myself. Even those closest to me are tired of hearing my feelings (justified or overly intense) after years of repetition.
This reminds me though of how it was before mood stabilizers. The anger would build up into screaming fights with loved ones, then a crash that felt physically like falling into a deep hole.
I have a strong hope that researchers are going to find better explanations and better treatments for the symptoms that are not getting relieved. I remind myself that I have endured 50+ years of this, even after thinking many times that I just could not go on.
Right now my doctor has me trying small doses of Xanax, after I have resisted for years of fearing addiction.
The next month includes helping my son and daughter-in-law (who has a way of making me feel bad about myself) and their two small children move out of the house we bought for ourselves last fall, getting through decisions and disagreements with my husband about renovating our new house, and packing up 20 years of stuff and moving.
I really don't know how I will get through it.
I get reactions when I eat shot spices. These include fever, headaches and a small amount of itches. I also will not fall asleep until I take piriton ( food allergy meds) or several doses of panadol or aspirin. While laying awake until the spell is broken by the meds I noticed that I will not be able to contol my thoughts which include getting angry and depressed. I would be fine after the bout. Indeed that is how I often know that I ate one of those toxins.
May be foods may alter the way the brain works and the therapy may not be drugs but eating according to our own reactions to foods.
I love feeling happy but my husband and Phchiatrist always says i'm in Mania.
Both my husband and i our diagnosed Bi-Polar and for many years he has been so verbally abusive and aggressive towards me. I couldn't take it anymore and i wanted another man's love instead. Everytime i tell my husband when i'm feeling good that i want another man's love and respect he tells me, oh your just in Mania and that your happiness is all fantasy. I'm tired of being treated by my illness and him saying,That everything happy go lucky i talk about is all Mania.
I do get mixed episodes and get confused in my head but being on my meds mostly clears that up. Mania gets me motivated to do go things and conquer fears i could never do in Depression or Mixed mode. Depending on what your doing during your Mania i feel it's good to have in some situations but not all.
Seems like lately that's all i'm defined by is my illness. It's just depressing and not fare. I do notice it when it's mania cause i have racing thoughts and feel speedy,but sometimes it might be a mixed or low mode and i'm just calm happy.
My psychiatrist calls it"Peaceful Mania". Thank you for your comment.
As I said in my last comment on your previous post, it's more of an anger thing for me - I cannot believe that the next DSM is not going to include anger as a symptom because reading what has been written in the last few posts it is most certianly a sypmtom for most of us. And our families feel it too - mine are up front about it - it hurts - I hurt them when i'm out of control - I am nasty and mean and racing ahead of everyone. I am drinking a lot to try and calm myself down. I am out of control but I am still seeing it - have been past this post and don't want to go there again...but i'm soooooo up it's so fast and so speedy its sceary there is nothing fun about this...that's why the first link means so much to me - get to the bit where he sings "this is my brain, and I live in it..." - makes me silently cry...
And it does not have to be a table you dance on...you dance anywhere....and please excuse the ... I hate it myself as a writer but sometimes its so precious to use :) You, John, did it brilliantly quoting me in your post...gotta love the ...
Well, I must be the one in a million who feels wonderful when hypomanic. I do not get agitated or angry, but have a wonderful adrenaline-like feeling coursing through my body. It is an actual physical sensation (like a drug might feel; though I haven't experienced that "rush" that shooting up drugs apparently gives people, I did love snorting cocaine when I was in high school {am 57 now} but luckily, could not afford it & I didn't become an addict).
When hypomanic I feel so energetic; happy--ecstatic, actually would be closer to the feeling; feel really excited about everything; am able to get so much done (sleep 2-3 hours a night); am very sociable & fun to be with--the life of the party, though I don't dance on tabletops, etc., I will dance & go out & do activities (when not hypomanic I'm usually a hermit & isolate myself & feel so badly about myself {have extremely low self-esteem when not hypomanic so there is no wonder that even without all these other wonderful traits I have when hypomanic I do love that emotion of feeling OK about myself instead of how terrible I feel about myself the rest of the time--which has led to about 5 suicide attempts starting at age 15 & last one about 4 years ago}), but the one downside of that overly sociable trait that I can think of so far is that I will contact people that I haven't spoken to in 10 or more years or "reveal" too much about myself such as having bipolar I or having had suicide attempts or about my mother committing suicide & reveal this info. in inappropriate situations (I call them my "blurt outs" as, of course, it is shameful to have bipolar or to have had a "crazy" mother & telling these "secrets" makes people look at you with the "crazy" or "not normal" or "afflicted" frame of reference ---plus, I will post comments about every article I read on-line whether here or in the NY Times or WSJ or anywhere & that is embarrassing as I've had to contact the editor or author of the article & ask them to remove my post {luckily, this forum it is OK to write about my shameful secrets}) so I have a note next to my computer & in my wallet: "Do not contact anyone when hypomanic by phone, email, smoke signals..." It is the equivalent of "drunk dialing" or "drunk texting", I guess--no filter between what is in my brain & what I say out loud or communicate to others.
When hypomanic I join every group or "cause" & rise quickly to the top of the organization as I become so intensely committed (my husband calls them my "crusades" & it is true; they become a crusade with me to such a degree that I do things that are out-of-character for a shy person like get interviewed on TV, give speeches in front of large groups of people, "cold call" people to get them interrested in the cause...).
I'll take up numerous new hobbies & spend way too much time learning the skills (like playing tennis as a beginner at the age of 35 & taking 5 hours of lessons a day so that in 6 mos. I was an "A" player, but I also had to have 2 knee surgeries {torn cartilage}, a foot surgery {plantar fasciitis}, tore my pectoral muscle {Wow, did that ever hurt; felt like I was having a heart attack on the court}, extreme carpal tunnel damage so I've just had surgery on my right hand & will have surgery on my left when the right is healed as I'm in excruciating pain from the damage I've done, "tennis elbow" that needed painful steroid shots & physical therapy & braces, stress fractures, you name it & I've injured it from overdoing tennis & running {took that up as well}).
I took my children out of school & homeschooled them (& they ended up getting full rides to top universities, then full scholarships to law school for one & a graduate degree for the other at Stanford & I am a college drop-out so it isn't that I'm "so smart" or anything, but when hypomanic I could put in the time & focus to enrich their already gifted brains with creative "lessons" & excursions to museums or goat farms {we went on "field trips" galore} or to take sailing, windsurfing, ballet, gymnastics, & surfing lessons for P.E. classes & we had no TV so that took out a lot of mind-numbing hours that were spent reading or doing).
I took courses at the university & got straight A's (& students were asking if they could be tutored by me! It's not that hard to get straight A's when you don't sleep & you memorize the textbooks, write extensive notes from every lecture, research subjects to the hilt on your own, & have loads of creativity which is yet another "plus" to my hypomania).
When I'm hypomanic I'm a happy, cheerful, excited-about-life person. I take risks (not dangerous ones, but scary ones like submitting articles or short stories to be published {which many were}, or drive long distances to take a workshop, or just about anything "out of my comfort zone" that I don't do when not hypomanic.
I will eat & cook healthily, exercise (too much, but when not hypomanic I'm so tired, usually depressed & a "blah" person), & enjoy all that life has to offer. I look good (& know it); my husband prefers me in "that state" as do my friends (well, when not hypomanic I'm a hermit again so I don't have much going on in the friend dept.).
Who wouldn't prefer to be that person? Unfortunately, the last hypomanic state lasted about 5 mos. (despite taking all my meds as prescribed which included Abilify & Lamictal & Trazodone & Klonopin as I already had chronic insomnia & acute anxiety that interfered with my sleep) & I didn't know that it was "dangerous" as I'd not gone for months & months before with so little sleep so then I suddenly "crashed" into a horrible depression & attempted suicide (my last attempt).
So now I'm sleeping thanks to high doses of Trazodone & a small dose of Klonopin, etc. & have promised my meds provider to call her if I go without at least 6 hours of sleep for 3 nights in a row...
But, I feel like a lump. I've gained weight. I don't hardly leave the house. I don't have any passion for anything. I don't feel like "me", but I'm not sure who "me" is. What is my "normal" personality? I'd prefer to be the hypomanic one if I could do so without fear of the sudden onset of suicidal depression & I know my family would prefer that personality, too. It is hard to be around someone who has such low self-esteem & doesn't want to participate in life. I encourage my husband to play tennis, go out & do fun things. (I have thought of another negative to the hypomania, I do overspend & "binge" shop so luckily it is not way out-of-control spending & my husband makes a good income, but it is definitely spending too much money in short bursts when I'm not a "shopper" unless hypomanic).
If I could get away from "me" (as I am now; plus, my pain level is very high with the carpal tunnel problems that have affected my nerves in my hands & arms & my back has constant pain from all my overdoing physical activities) I would! I don't like being around myself or "being myself" & don't want to subject my loyal husband too much of "me."
I'm a flat-lined bore.
I know i'll always have Bipolar and that controlling and recognizing my moods will help along with my meds. What i don't get is that i can never find any kind of normal happiness. It always seems to be some kind of Mania. Sometimes its Hypomania and sometimes Mixed episode. When i'm in Mania i always crave some kind of Fantasy. Wether it be a Movie,Book,A special creek,Lake,or Beach,or even a Romantic setting,i feel like i must have it and have it the way i picture it to be. Plus i realized i feel like i have to have a certain persons voice comforting me.Somebody with a soft mellow tone,Like Sting or Liam Neeson. I think that's a good kind of effect Mania gives me. Now on the other hand,When things aren't going my way or people or family our just not understanding me,i tend to seek out a deep love and understanding of someone who will. I feel like i must have it or i won't feel good enough or worthy. I guess that's the driven determined part of a Mania effect. My spouse says i'm too much to keep up with because i'm always changing and wanting these certain moments frequently and they tell me it's just not convenient to do that all the time. I'm lucky my spouse has dealt with me this far but in the process he's been verbally abusive and annoyed by me and he just can't reach me as deep in my soul as i need. I don't know if this thought is Co-Dependent but i'm looking for someone who can reach me in my soul and comfort me in a moments notice. My spouse says he doesn't know how to comfort me in a moments notice without feeling like he has to switch or change his mood drastically for me. I need someone who could just comfort me and naturally express it without feeling like they have to be over dramatic for me. Wow,Mania keeps me in shape but once it ends i'm so tired and back in low mode trying to recooperate. I mean yeah i take my meds but only a certain dosage to where i'm not a zombie or sedated. So i take low doses and it doesn't take away a-lot of the Mania just some. The only big decision i'm making in both modes,Mania and Low Mode is that my spouse just can't fullfill me the way i truly need and i'm leaving him and my kids. He wants the kids and i'm not gonna fight with him about it. I'm hopeing that this other person i've adored for years will be more natural in his responses and so far he has been and he even knows how to reach me deep. I know nobody is perfect and there will always be those down moments and disagreements. I just feel it's worth a try to experience it with someone differently who may be more natural in their responses than to keep experiencing it and forcing someone to be someone their not. I know it's probably the Bi-Polar talking but i figure,How will i know till i try. I'm just so dissappointed with my spouse and i give him credit for all his tries but i'm just not feeling it the way i need to.I feel like if i stay here in it,i'll be un-happy and settling for second like i always have. Going is scary too because your starting all over again. I just hate when the Bi-polar gets in the way and confuses your thoughts. Also if i stay i feel like i'm always gonna want to keep seeking this deep love feeling from someone else to satisfy me. I don't know what to do sometimes but i do know making me a zombie or sedated is not the answer either. I know meds is only a part of the healing process.That's all for now. Thank you to all who share their thoughts on here. I appreciate it a-lot. Especially knowing i'm not the only one making alot of the same decisions others make to.Hugs to all.
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I use a mood chart and have found it helpful to remember, so I can report the cycle, not the symptom du jour to the doc. But it's also frustrating. Mood is just one way our illness manifests itself. From your comments, I am evidently one of many whose hypomania is primarily dysphoric. I rapid cycle through hypomania, but am almost never "up." The charts don't really capture the nature of up. Am currently trying a chart of my own devising with two scales, one for mood and one for "energy." Irritability, agitation and racing thoughts are all scored on the plus side for energy. Apathy and fatigue are scored negative. If it works, I'll blog it in the future.
"Ditto"
Sally